I've been procrastinating and indecisive about ordering N, ya it's more expensive than I can afford, I'm on a fixed budget. Maybe my avoidance is SI or it's just too difficult for me to realistically get with my limited skill set. Things get better then things get worse, I don't want to have to wait until things become urgent/overwhelming to have my plans in place. And I've waited too long again, things were distracting and pleasant enough to avoid making arrangements; now I'm in an urgent, unacceptable circumstances. Waiting until the urgency compromises my cognitive bandwidth and agency leaves me less likely to make this complicated, important decisions. So I keep putting it off and suffering.
I'm just rambling, I'm exhausted, overwhelmed and there isn't a clear way out. N is out of reach, pain is unacceptable, and I have a debt of emotional pain that is past due that I'm unwilling and unequipped to pay. I don't want to stress eat and use poor self care and internet addiction to slowly, and painfully numb my way through this unbearable pain. The funniest part was how obviously inevitable all of the pain I've inflicted on myself was.
I'm just rambling, I'm exhausted, overwhelmed and there isn't a clear way out. N is out of reach, pain is unacceptable, and I have a debt of emotional pain that is past due that I'm unwilling and unequipped to pay. I don't want to stress eat and use poor self care and internet addiction to slowly, and painfully numb my way through this unbearable pain. The funniest part was how obviously inevitable all of the pain I've inflicted on myself was.
