Venting I’m so tired of everything

[TeaPloom]

My life in the past year has been steadily improving, I have no technical reason to have these feelings to ctb again. But here we are, for background: my last attempt was two years ago. Haven't been in any hospitals since, but the last attempt was so severe that if I ever mention this to anyone they'd shove me back in those horrible hospitals. The people in my life are "happy" and "awaiting to see what I'll do with my potential" but I seriously don't see it. People want me "alive" but never seem to want to actually bear the burden of keeping me that way.

All the people around me are just are seemingly kind to me out of pity, but I feel like I'm already pushing them to their limit. (Who'd blame them?). I'm seriously not an enjoyable person to be around, I'm unmotivated, I talk way too much about the same things over and over again because I have the memory of a goldfish. I'm needy as hell, I always need constant reassurance that I'm not hated and that people are with me because they want to be around. And just so fucking insecure it's literally painful to interact with me.

I'm only 20 and already have so many health problems and restrictions on my life due to all the attempts that I've made when I was younger. All the things I've wanted to do as a career have been stripped away, because I had the criminal idea of wanting the peace of death in such a chaotic and traumatic time in my life.

I hate that I'm reaching this point again. I did want to do things with my life. I wanted to help people, I wanted to make peoples lives better. But I'm seemingly damned to do nothing but the opposite.

This is very ramble esque, but thanks to anyone that reads this. I've been a longtime lurker, so it's nice to finally participate.

 

[framedfirefly]

I'm so sorry that you've been going through hell in your life, no one deserves that. I really hope that the pain you're enduring is able to be solved and that your quality of life improves. Please stay safe if you can, and I'm here if you need someone to vent to. You're not alone, no matter how much it may seem that way <3

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds frustrating what you are going through. I understand it is hard to carry on when you are tired of everything. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[TeaPloom]

It sounds frustrating what you are going through. I understand it is hard to carry on when you are tired of everything. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

Thanks, I just want to be educated on my options. In the meantime I have this safe community where I can be free to express everything I have to hide. It's so freeing to be here.