Venting Im so so done.

[Uwa]

I feel so disgusted with myself. I am so fucking weird and im tired of it. I want to change but I know it's not possible. Im so tired of acting like everything is just fine when it's not. Im so tired of pretending every day of my miserable life. It feels like torture. I don't know what to do. I really don't. I dont know what I did to deserve being tortured like this every second of my life. I thought I was getting better, I really did, but I wasnt and im so sad that I tricked myself. Im so fucking pathetic. I just want to die. I wish my attempts would work. If I had more access to stuff everything would go so much smoother. I want to feel like I might be alive for some greater purpose, but im not. Im still alive because im too weak and scared to do anything that will actually end me. Im too scared to do anything. I can't even sh the right way. It's so pathetic. Im so desperate for happiness, but a disgusting weirdo like me doesnt deserve it.