Venting Im so sick of crying.

[UselessBeing]

That's all these last two days have been. I've been massively suicidal but it's not the date I want to CBT. Im so mentally exhausted. Im sick of living with depression,bpd, and this bullshit dissociation disorder.

I want to die. It's all I can think about this last week and I'm not sleeping. I just got done crying on my husband trying to show him the absolute pro's that would come if I just died already. And seeing his heart break at me saying it is painful. But he just doesn't understand. He told me how much he loves me. I know he does. But all I Could think was " I'm sorry for what you'll have to deal with when I'm gone". The moment I thought that I realized how comfortable Im getting with the idea of finally ctb.
I need to ctb on October 9th or 10th. I just don't know if it'll be this year... Just had a conversation saying I wanted to wait til next year but.... Right now I just don't know. Im in so much mental pain..

 

[siray]

It's so heartbreaking to imagine telling your loved ones that one is planning to ctb. I almost sometimes imply to my family that these are the last weeks of my life, but decide not to say anything.

Making them realize that you'll ctb weighs heavy on their heart, and the tension that engulfs them that I might really end my life, it's unreal. I would spare loved ones the knowledge prior to my death. I prefer the news of my ctb to be sudden rather than having to deal with the deathly pallor on their faces whenever I mention my ctb thoughts to them.

I consider crying to be healthy and even necessary, you wouldn't want to implode with repressed sorrow. Have you tried sharing your innermost thoughts of depression with your husband? You always have the option of therapy, if you're not sure about ctb and want a clear mind to think rationally. Take care.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are suffering. Life really is tiring and I understand it is hard to carry on when you are so exhausted. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.