Venting Im so lost in life

[syl]

Im the best ive ever been in life since i was a little kid. Am i happy? somewhat, but it doesnt even matter. Im as "stable" as i can be and its still not enough. My life is a constant up and down. I go from planning my suicide one day to hanging out loving life the next. Its absolutely exhausting. I just want it to end, im okay with losing the times I genuinely do enjoy my life for the sake of just getting some rest. I wish i could just live without worrying when my next depressive episode is going to hit. Waiting for the euphoria to come back as im planning to off myself myself the next day. If it was one or the other it would be so much better. Im medicated, have gone to therapy for years, in and out of psych wards since i was 12, and im still just as bad. The only thing thats changed is that i havent acted on anything. I think i might just do it before i hit my 30s, if i still want to live ill continue but its so tiring and i dont want to get old. Is that bad? should i wait even longer because im still young. Im so lost and dont know what to do anymore.

sorry for the vent, havent slept and am slightly having a crisis

 

[FuneralCry]

I also certainly do not want to get old and to me there is nothing wrong with that. After all, it is our life and our decision and we all have the right to leave at a time of our own choosing. It does sound really tiring what you are going through, and I can imagine that it must be hard to carry on when you are that exhausted. I hope that you find relief from your situation.

 

[unredeemable]

I'm in my early 40s and my body is already breaking down. A lifetime of obesity has wrecked my knees and back. I have no children to take care of me in my old age (by design, of course), and the thought of losing my dignity more and more with each passing year holds little appeal for me. The very feeling of being burdensome is what I'm trying to escape. To know at some point I'll have to accept that again and know it will never change seems too horrifying to imagine. I shudder at the thought of myself turning into a doddering old man, with that old man smell. Fuck that.

 

[4damant]

Can relate, I'm in my early 20s and the optimism I once had being told/taught that "you can change the world for the better!" is pretty much completely obliterated once I realized how truly dark and cruel this life can dish out to people. Still studying, but I've genuinely lost any meaningful goals or purpose to work towards in the future. Feels like autopiloting for most of my day, being a husk of the child I used to be.

 

[syl]

I also certainly do not want to get old and to me there is nothing wrong with that. After all, it is our life and our decision and we all have the right to leave at a time of our own choosing. It does sound really tiring what you are going through, and I can imagine that it must be hard to carry on when you are that exhausted. I hope that you find relief from your situation.

thank you ❤

Can relate, I'm in my early 20s and the optimism I once had being told/taught that "you can change the world for the better!" is pretty much completely obliterated once I realized how truly dark and cruel this life can dish out to people. Still studying, but I've genuinely lost any meaningful goals or purpose to work towards in the future. Feels like autopiloting for most of my day, being a husk of the child I used to be.

yeah i can relate, lifes harder than what i thought it would be and im realizing the college i wanted to go to is way harder to get into than i thought as a kid, and that that job i wanted to do is way harder than i thought as well