Venting I'm so deeply codependent and it ruins my life

[miles-away]

Yeah......

I've been dating this man for about a month and a half. A MONTH AND A HALF. And I'm losing my mind over him. We're long distance and he doesn't really text me throughout the day. Everyone tells me I'm crazy; he calls me (almost) every night. Shouldn't that be enough? No, it isn't. I need more. And nothing will ever be enough. Nobody will love me like I love them. Nobody will think of me like I think of them. I'm obsessed with him.

It's not just him. It was my ex before him. I get so deeply, deeply attached to these men. And I'm so paranoid and untrusting. I feel sick to my stomach everyday, waiting for his text. And then I get home from work and wait for his call. And it makes me bitter and angry when he doesn't call earlier. Last night I was so mad and pissed at him, I got snippy and asked what was the ratio of him having spent time with ex's together vs long distance. And then I asked if he called his ex's everyday. I don't know why. It was semi awkward. He asked if I wanted him to call less. No. I wish he'd call and text more.

I feel manic.

 

[whyyyyyyyy]

The fastest way to freedom from this problem is, your messy and real current feelings aside, just deciding that you would rather be content and ok independent of what he does- rather than get whatever you think you want from him, but have your very own mental disposition be at the mercy of someone else, something you can never control.

The answer is not to achieve some ideal situation with these men, it is decide for yourself that you'd rather transcend the issue entirely, and if you sincerely declare that for yourself, in a way, you've instantly crushed this problem.

Who said you need to resolve this in the treacherous, endless way, you seem to imagine it must be, day in and day out?

Snap back to the basics. You're standing on the ground and breathing. You are ok, you have enough.

 

[wantingdignity]

Anxious attachment is really hard to break out of. How are the other areas of your life? Are you able to focus on them at all? If the thoughts are obsessive, I know of some people that have tried meds for them.

I get a lot more anxiously attached when I don't have an internal sense of safety (feeling suicidal, not financially stable, not feeling great about family/friends, feeling lonely, wanting to self harm, etc). It's one thing to know in your head that someone can't fix everything, but it's another thing to try to stop craving someone so desperately when it feels like there is a black hole in your chest. Developing a support system helped me a lot.

 

[_AllCatsAreGrey_]

I relate a lot to this. I have anxious attachment. I'm sorry you're dealing with this stress.

Have you heard about RSD (rejection sensitivity dysphoria)? Learning about it was helpful for me. Not necessarily in reducing the feelings, but in understanding it's common for people.

This article is great. It's from the point of view of an autistic person, but I feel their insights could be helpful for neurotypical people too.

Living with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is common in neurodivergent people and people with complex trauma. This article explains what it’s like.

neuroclastic.com

 

[Forever Sleep]

I haven't suffered with this although, I imagine I might in your situation. I do have the urge to want to be clingy in friendships.

I do think I suffer from limerence though (obsessive crushes on people.) Becoming aware of it and my crazy thought processes has enabled me to control it, rather than it control me. I haven't been fully limerent on someone in years. I made the effort to 'quit' or, at least better control it because I could see the damage it did to me.

I get the impression you are also aware of how damaging this could be. It's got to be deeply unpleasant to be constantly obsessing about a person. To be scrutinising their every action.

Not meaning to be unkind but, I imagine it could end up being oppressive for them too. Maybe to the point it becomes too much. I imagine they constantly need to justify the strength of their feelings and actions.

I don't know how difficult it is to fight this within yourself. What helped me was telling myself: 'This is just what you do. You take one little thing and obsess on it. You become so caught up in the fantasy of being with this pretend person (in my case- the person I imagine them to be,) but, it's not real! It's going to hurt when the reality of the situation hits in and none of the fun fantasizing is going to make that worth it so- drop it now!' It doesn't stop the odd fantasy floating in but, it tends to stop me taking a hold of them and, taking them so seriously. I just remind myself that it's limerence trying to play tricks again.

I suppose- it's mindfulness in a way. Rather than me getting lost in some dreamy fantasy about a guy or, you becomming aggitated that they haven't contacted you today, maybe they contacted an ex instead. It's more like: I'm having these thoughts about this person most likely because I suffer from limerence (me), anxious attachment (you). These thoughts aren't entirely rational. They're not helpful so, I'll just try to let them pass without really focussing on them. That's my experience with my own crazy, obsessive nature anyhow. I'm not sure how well it would work in a real relationship to be fair.

 

[bankai]

That's going to get old fast for him though,just saying. Every healthy long term relationship needs boundaries.

You're going to have to find other things to do. Find things to take your mind off other people. New hobbies perhaps.