Venting i’m so bad at being alive- disorganized vent

[fantasia13]

i actually don't completely hate life, i think some aspects of it are quite pleasant. however i hate myself and my brain so much it's fucking overwhelming. i have c's through f's in all of my classes, and it's not even because i'm stupid (pretty naturally smart, used to be anyway) but because i don't do shit all day. i go to school in the same clothes and sit there quietly like some shell of a person and go home and watch tiktok and get angry at my family who are perfectly good people and talk to my few online friends pretending to be a better person than i am. i have very few interests that i never end up pursuing because why would i wanna get up and do something with my life when i could lie in bed all day thinking about having a good life.

the only thing i really do that's not on my phone is draw- i draw pictures over and over of the girl i wish i was. she looks different every time but it's always the same concept- naturally pretty, happy, bubbly with lots of friends and a general passion for being alive i've never had, even as a kid. also i'm just not fucking good at anything. i like singing but i can't hit most notes to save my life, i like theater but i auditioned for both my school shows and didn't get in because of course i didn't. i can't even do common sense things, it's some sort of miracle i managed to get the rope and tie the right knots for my hanging setup lol.

and then there's my looks. i don't think i was always horribly ugly (if i got ready for a while, anyway) but it's getting worse and worse because i just don't take care of myself. my skin is breaking out, my hair is always greasy, i'm gaining weight like crazy because stress eating is one of the few things that brings me comfort anymore, i have no fucking eyebrows (shaved them off impulsively one night), my teeth are probably rotting and i never bother to do hair or makeup atp. i feel revolting, not even human. people my age are falling in love and driving (no license) and having jobs but i'm fighting a fucking mental war over brushing my teeth.

i'm 18 btw, hs senior. i know this probably seems young to be on this forum but i feel like i've been stuck in this hellish existence for several eternities. also by "few online friends" it's mostly just this one guy who i have a big love/hate relationship with. i genuinely liked talking to him but i think he just wants me sexually, which is becoming more and more clear through the shit he sends. it wasn't sexual at first but now it is and i think he was just being so nice and genuine to get me comfortable. this isn't my first experience with a man like that, not by a long shot but it still surprised me and i can't find the strength to cut him off because of course i can't. i wish i had some value to someone apart from the object of a long-distance fantasy. i have no value.

my 13-year-old sister is beautiful with lots of friends and perfect grades and everyone loves her more because that's what she deserves. and i love her a lot, so much but it's hard not to get jealous because it's so incredibly obvious. but i also feel deranged being jealous of a middle schooler who's supposed to be looking up to me. i sure don't give her anything to look up to lol. i hope she ends up absolutely nothing like me.

another twisted confession: sometimes i feel jealous of others my age who have died by suicide. i research them and read their obituaries, seeing what clearly wonderful people they were who were important to their school, community, etc. meanwhile when i die there will be nothing to write about. my family will have to make some shit up about how i was all nice and sweet because i wasn't, i was a total bitch all the time to my poor undeserving parents. i gave my mom a hug before i left her house a few days ago and she got fucking suspicious i wanted money. i went home and cried.

i don't know where this post is leading so i'll wrap it up. i wish i could restart my life, i wonder if it would end up the same way. i'm pretty sure i have autism (been recommended to get tested for years) btw but no official diagnosis. i think my family will be upset when i leave, but they'll soon be way better off without my annoying leeching presence. planning to full suspension hang before school tomorrow (please give tips to be 100% it'll work btw, don't wanna trouble anyone with a failed attempt before christmas). i don't know why i'm like this.

 

[inconstantprayer]

i actually don't completely hate life, i think some aspects of it are quite pleasant. however i hate myself and my brain so much it's fucking overwhelming. i have c's through f's in all of my classes, and it's not even because i'm stupid (pretty naturally smart, used to be anyway) but because i don't do shit all day. i go to school in the same clothes and sit there quietly like some shell of a person and go home and watch tiktok and get angry at my family who are perfectly good people and talk to my few online friends pretending to be a better person than i am. i have very few interests that i never end up pursuing because why would i wanna get up and do something with my life when i could lie in bed all day thinking about having a good life.

the only thing i really do that's not on my phone is draw- i draw pictures over and over of the girl i wish i was. she looks different every time but it's always the same concept- naturally pretty, happy, bubbly with lots of friends and a general passion for being alive i've never had, even as a kid. also i'm just not fucking good at anything. i like singing but i can't hit most notes to save my life, i like theater but i auditioned for both my school shows and didn't get in because of course i didn't. i can't even do common sense things, it's some sort of miracle i managed to get the rope and tie the right knots for my hanging setup lol.

and then there's my looks. i don't think i was always horribly ugly (if i got ready for a while, anyway) but it's getting worse and worse because i just don't take care of myself. my skin is breaking out, my hair is always greasy, i'm gaining weight like crazy because stress eating is one of the few things that brings me comfort anymore, i have no fucking eyebrows (shaved them off impulsively one night), my teeth are probably rotting and i never bother to do hair or makeup atp. i feel revolting, not even human. people my age are falling in love and driving (no license) and having jobs but i'm fighting a fucking mental war over brushing my teeth.

i'm 18 btw, hs senior. i know this probably seems young to be on this forum but i feel like i've been stuck in this hellish existence for several eternities. also by "few online friends" it's mostly just this one guy who i have a big love/hate relationship with. i genuinely liked talking to him but i think he just wants me sexually, which is becoming more and more clear through the shit he sends. it wasn't sexual at first but now it is and i think he was just being so nice and genuine to get me comfortable. this isn't my first experience with a man like that, not by a long shot but it still surprised me and i can't find the strength to cut him off because of course i can't. i wish i had some value to someone apart from the object of a long-distance fantasy. i have no value.

my 13-year-old sister is beautiful with lots of friends and perfect grades and everyone loves her more because that's what she deserves. and i love her a lot, so much but it's hard not to get jealous because it's so incredibly obvious. but i also feel deranged being jealous of a middle schooler who's supposed to be looking up to me. i sure don't give her anything to look up to lol. i hope she ends up absolutely nothing like me.

another twisted confession: sometimes i feel jealous of others my age who have died by suicide. i research them and read their obituaries, seeing what clearly wonderful people they were who were important to their school, community, etc. meanwhile when i die there will be nothing to write about. my family will have to make some shit up about how i was all nice and sweet because i wasn't, i was a total bitch all the time to my poor undeserving parents. i gave my mom a hug before i left her house a few days ago and she got fucking suspicious i wanted money. i went home and cried.

i don't know where this post is leading so i'll wrap it up. i wish i could restart my life, i wonder if it would end up the same way. i'm pretty sure i have autism (been recommended to get tested for years) btw but no official diagnosis. i think my family will be upset when i leave, but they'll soon be way better off without my annoying leeching presence. planning to full suspension hang before school tomorrow (please give tips to be 100% it'll work btw, don't wanna trouble anyone with a failed attempt before christmas). i don't know why i'm like this.

Yur not alone. I feel exactly the same, and am going through much the same stuff.

 

[inconstantprayer]

just wanted to further add, you do have the strength to do what you want.

your life is in your hands.

you are the master of your own destiny.

life is work.

just becuase you have got used to floating along, does not mean life is supposed to floating along like a leaf in a stream caught in the current.

you can do anything you want.

count your blessings. honestly. try it. look at every little thing around you, even just in this very room that you have going for you. clean (enough) clothes, running water, electricity, clean air to breathe, good lungs to breathe deeply with, your youth still yes believe it or not you are still very young and have that to be thankful for too. your family and the people in your life, so that you aren't alone in life, because being alone in life is a death sentence all by itself. it is good to be independent and strong, but we cannot successfully live longterm without help. no man is an island unto himself.

your altitude is dependent on your attitude.

have an attitude of gratitude.

take up hiking or just go for slow easy beautiful calm walks in nature.

a woman is the most important thing in the world of a man. dont think you have to try so hard to please him. he is already pleased by you. try harder to please yourself. that is the one thing he cannot do for you, and you wrongly expect him to be able to do. we are not here to make each other happy, or fix each other's mistakes. we are here to help each other in our collective misery and failures. find the right man to stand by you through thick and thin, and you also. take good care of yourself if you wish to live, your health is the one thing no amount of money can buy back, dont believe anything anyone tells you about being able to purchase your health back. find a job you can do that does not take too much from your health and you can have as balanced a work/life harmony as possible to keep in the rhythm of life. there is a harmony of life that does not have to be unplesent. life itself is not terrible, its actually quite beautiful, especially in this earth we have been given. have you seen the nature here on this planet? I mean really, have you really seen nature? If not, i suggest spending as much time as you can with it on a one to one basis. You will touch it and it will touch you. The only things that have made things terrible here are us. That's the one thing keeping me from ending everything already myself, is the affect that would have on my not being here for the world or my family. So I made a pact with my higher Self that I will endure for many more years until there is a more appropriate time to be so selfish and self-absorbed. It would be different if there were actually something wrong with me, but there isn't, i'm just a regular human being, feeling suffering and sad and angry and hurt and becoming wounded by the strong winds that never stop blowing. But they are teaching me to build shields and take up ways to defend my inner core from becoming corrupted, and how to put on the balm and the salve of healing and wrap myself lovingly in the bandages of patience and wisdom and temperance and have a heart full of courage and a soul full of pure water to feed others freely from the fountain that comes abundantly from within. There is an ocean inside your soul that this external world can't touch. That ocean is always in perfect stillness and peace and nothing in this world and nothing OF this world can truly touch you, unless you let it. Sorry to ramble a bit, but i just wanted to add this, there's always more, but i dont want to confuse or overwhelm you.

Willpower is also of great importance. Self-discipline and willpower are obviously connected. You mentioned your reluctance to get out of bed or to really do anything, such as even the 30-45 mins it takes twice a day to look after your oral/dental health. Imagine for a minute how fortunate you are that you have the use of 2 arms to do that task with, trivial and mundane and boring, and work-like though it may be, imagine what life is like for someone with one arm , how much harder it is for them to do what you with the full use of everything, find difficult to do. Yet the person who has gone through suffering, their soul is growing stronger through it, and they will not so easily be defeated by their laziness.

I hope some of that helps, and Im sorry if i come off like im telling you what to do. Im not, im just trying to be helpeful. Take good care.