Venting Im so angry

[mythofsisyphus]

Sorry for the mega long post. Just feel so alone and need to vent.

I'm angry that my future has been taken away from me by medication

Im angry that my life has become an anhedonic, suicidal ideation filled, depersonalised nightmare

I'm angry that I don't know what the real me, underneath this neurological damage would think, knowing he'd probably be horrified at the thought of me committing suicide

I'm angry that I can't think, can't feel

I'm angry that I've lost my sexuality. That my dick has turned into a shrunken, numb, impotent mess

I'm angry that my skin across my body has become numb and loose. That I'm experiencing wide spread body pain and muscle atrophy.

I'm angry that I don't recognise my own mind. That waves of akathisia filled terror and suicidal ideation fill my mind with no trigger.

I'm angry that I feel like my internal world is burning and collapsing around me as I stand powerless

Im angry that there's no solutions, no answers. That it won't get better for maybe a long, long time, if ever.

I'm angry that everything I knew about psychology and mental health, does nothing for me.

I'm angry that such simple joys have been savagely taken away from me - spending time with my sister, going for a walk, reading a book

I'm angry that my ex emotionally abused me weeks before this all happened, destroying my innocence and faith in others. That he will likely be the last time I experienced intimacy and love, even if only in my delusional perception of our time together.

I'm angry that after my mum died my only purpose became to look after others, to make sure they were okay. And after so much trauma and loss, I had finally got to a place where I was going to put me first, only for it all to be savagely stripped away from me by this awful disease.

I'm angry that I've lost the one thing that held my sense of identity and self esteem together - my intelligence, my clear mind.

I'm angry I'm loosing my job that I have worked the past 8 years of my life towards.

I'm angry that I no longer have independence, that I've been forced to move back in with my family.

I'm angry that I can't drink alcohol, smoke weed, eat carbs, without setting off intense possibly months long akathisia

I'm angry that I can't feel any shred of peace or relaxation, ever

I'm angry that I don't know what the future holds. That the shred of hope that I might get my old self back, in many years time, keeps me from escaping this hell.

Im angry that I feel so invisible and unseen, as others continue their lives as my world collapses around me, and all I'm expected to do is "accept it"

I'm angry that I can't accept it. But I can't tell people I can't accept it because they'd feel uncomfortable or scared.

I'm angry that I feel so, so alone, even though I know I'm not.

I'm so angry that life can be so cruel, so unfair.

I'm angry that protracted SSRI withdrawals and post finasteride syndrome have totally obliterated my life, body and mind, and all doctors will ever say is I'm 'depressed'.

I'm angry that reinstating my SSRI has helped the withdrawals but made the syndrome so much worse.

I'm angry that I don't just feel trapped, but I am trapped. And nobody else seems able to comprehend how awful that is.

I'm so, so angry. But all I do is a fake a smile, pretend I'm getting by. All whilst my mind is imploding and my certainty that I can't continue living this way grows with each day.

 

[Plentiful_Despair]

Same.

 

[Amarajoy]

Same. From physical illness. I actually want to live but the suffering from this illness has destroyed me. I'm disgusted that there are not legal, humane methods for self-release. My last moments on earth are a traumatic hell.

 

[lizzywizzy09]

I get it. I do. I wish I could go back in time and scrub this illness from my body.

 

[ninonino1]

I am so, so angry too. My life is unrecognisable as a normal human life. No normal human feelings, just anger and despair and terror. Also injured by medication. Jealous of others on here who are "normal" suicidal, due to normal anguish and despair, but can still feel peace, sleep, wake up sleepy, enjoy a meal, have a coffee in the morning, watch a tv show, breathe in the outside air with no waves of excruciating inner akathisia, take a train, drive, do some shopping, not tortured beyond all human comprehension.