Venting im sick of being gaslit into thinking im mentally ill because i want to die

[wrapped_in_plastic]

i'm bored of life, life has no meaning to me and for a while it's been bland. the only thing that remotely gets me excited are animals and music, otherwise, none of this shit matters. we live to die, but for some stupid reason, people want to live as long as they can. i just want to die, and it's been like this for a long time. i'm not happy, i fuck everything up, the world is going to shit, and i'm bored. it's crazy to think that i'm 'mentally ill' because i want to die. i'm mentally ill for other reasons but i feel like my justification for suicide is more rational than forcing someone to go through something they don't want to. i hate myself, i hate food, i hate doing anything, all i do is sit online and smoke pot all day and watch shit with my partner. i'm in a relationship and it's probably going to make me even more miserable, maybe i'll be brave enough to finally kill myself. maybe i'll finally smoke too much, or take too many drugs, and finally do it. i'm 22 and i don't want to deal with this shit anymore and frankly, i don't care what happens after i die. my friends and family's grief isn't going to be my problem. it wouldn't be theirs either if they could actually understand where i'm coming from. i know the world isn't going to be perfect or in my image, then what's the point of being alive? i don't contribute to society, and i don't want to, i don't really wanna give up pot, i don't want to do anything. if i was given a pill or a button that'd kill me right then and there, and that was my opportunity, i'm taking it without any goodbyes. i can't even envision a future within myself other than being dead. if people see life as something valuable and wonderful, great, keep living, but don't expect the rest of us to want to keep living too. 'suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem', my mom would say, even though everything in this universe is temporary. your relationship is temporary, your furry companions, your life is temporary. life IS the problem and sometimes the only solution is death.

 

[bl33ding_heart]

With all possibilities for yourself considered. If you truly feel as if life cant get better for you at all and you want to take your leave. That itself is not a mental illness. But suicidal thoughts and feelings are usually indicative of some form of mental illness for most. Because most suicidal people aren't completely hopeless and do have the potential to live a good life if they get proper treatment/change their unfortunate circumstances. It seems like you've suffered a lot, and I hope you are able to find peace with whatever you decide for yourself.