I’m scared

[rainmoon]

I'm scared I won't do it right, that it will break, I'm scared about those moments before I die, about my family having to find me. I'm scared that I won't be able to handle a few moments of pain and back out. I'm scared I will fail and that I'll have to continue living.

 

[Cashewmilk]

Those are also some of my biggest fears too. I honestly don't know what to do about it, I'm not scared of dying and being dead and not existing - quite the contrary, those are my most cherished desires in life.

I'm thinking about jumping a lot, just thinking, not planning or looking anything up... I've thought about it for a long time before too but went to other methods instead. I don't even drive so I'd have to find a way to get there which is like 20-30 mins away to the nearest bridge, and it'd have to be at night so no one really notices. I do have other methods but they just won't work for me, I don't have all the supplies for SN and methadone (I have a high tolerance too) and even if I did have it, I have gastro problems that would cause me severe pain and agony if I ingested poison, and hanging just never worked for me I tried dozens of times.

 

[rainmoon]

Those are also some of my biggest fears too. I honestly don't know what to do about it, I'm not scared of dying and being dead and not existing - quite the contrary, those are my most cherished desires in life.

I'm thinking about jumping a lot, just thinking, not planning or looking anything up... I've thought about it for a long time before too but went to other methods instead. I don't even drive so I'd have to find a way to get there which is like 20-30 mins away to the nearest bridge, and it'd have to be at night so no one really notices. I do have other methods but they just won't work for me, I don't have all the supplies for SN and methadone (I have a high tolerance too) and even if I did have it, I have gastro problems that would cause me severe pain and agony if I ingested poison, and hanging just never worked for me I tried dozens of times.

Yeah I'm definitely not scared of death, I'm just terrified of failing and then having to live on and deal with it. Suspension hanging is the only realistic option for me currently and I'm worried those moments of pain will be too much for me.

Maybe it's supposed to mean something that ctb isn't easy and certainly isn't painless but I am so sick and tired of being alive.

 

[throwaway2goawy]

I'm thinking out everything as much as possible to make it as easy as possible for the people I leave behind. Notes for everyone, instructions for my funeral including funds for it, tidying up and getting rid of stuff etc. Even down to the method, I'd be happy to jump (SI may say different though!) but know that would hurt my family more as they've not be able to see me if I look a mess. As for being found, I'm going to think of a way to contact the emergency services an hour after I ctb with a delayed message.

I think as long as you think of all the things your family will be left with and sort it then you've done as best as you can for their future (obviously they'd rather you stay but that's another discussion about if you should stay for them)

 

[WornOutLife]

We're all scared of the same. You're not alone.

As for failing, it really sucks. I did and suffered for 6 months. However, sooner or later the suffering is over and you can always try to find peace again.

Whatever you do, I wish you lots of love and peace.

 

[TotallyIsolated]

I so dearly wish I could give you a hug IRL right now. I'm so very sorry you're going through this. It sucks. I only had the nerve to try practising some knots around my neck. I managed to stand on the railing of a bridge once, but I couldn't go any further.

I'm not sure what my point is, but I just want to say that your feelings are valid.

 

[summers]

I'm scared I won't do it right, that it will break, I'm scared about those moments before I die, about my family having to find me. I'm scared that I won't be able to handle a few moments of pain and back out. I'm scared I will fail and that I'll have to continue living.

Maybe right now is not just the right time. Give yourself a couple of days, and try to come to peace with what will happen. If that doesn't work, explore some other methods.

The fears and second thoughts you're having could lead to a mistake. There's no sense in rushing into the biggest decision you will ever make.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

 

[builtwrong]

I've never been more scared in my whole life than in these moments. I don't know where the confidence some speak of before their attempt would manifest from, I see none on my horizon. I'm sorry you have to suffer from the fear, and I wish so badly I could give you advice

 

[Trisolaris]

We all have those fears, you are not alone.