I'm scared to die.

[xXiloveyouXx]

I have everything I need to probably succeed and tonight was supposed to be the night. But I'm scared of what happens after. Dying would be less scary if someone could do it with you.

 

[FF777]

there is a massive mental wall a person has to pass through to be able to CTB.. i guess it's part of the survival instinct (SI), but i imagine SI as only being kind of the physical side of it, like your body being scared to commit to doing the things that you physically need to do in order to cease its continued survival............

.... but there is that other side of it too that stops people........... what in the world (or out of this world really) is going to happen to me when i die?....... it's this big wall that you can't see past.... and the unknown is scary.. what are your beliefs about death and the afterlife any way?..

i'm about to CTB in a week or two here, and i've already always had pretty concrete beliefs about what i think spirit world is like, but it still scares the hell out of me any way.......... because when it happens it is going to feel much realer than it is when you are imagining it happening, and that scares me.. it feels weird that one day here soon i'm just going to be walking around like normal, just feels like an other normal day and nothing special, but then you are supposed to just walk to a certain place and do what ever your method is and then suddenly who the heck knows what your mind/spirit is going to be forced to experience next......

it kind of reminds me of how like, when people hear about drugs like DMT (i've never taken it because it would be way too freaky for me) and they hear about people going in to space and talking to alien creatures and stuff, they think "oh wow that sounds cool, floating in space and getting to meet weird things" and they are oblivious to how ultra REAL it is going to feel if they were actually in that situation.......... it isn't just a fluffy little fun thing like you are picturing in your mind, YOU ARE ACTUALLY THERE, AND IT IS MUCH REALER THAN YOU WANT IT TO BE..

one more quick analogy, (although this one is probably more of just an SI thing).. people wanting to jump off a building or bridge, and they think "oh yeah that's easy, just have a little jump off and then i can CTB"..... but good luck with that.... when you are ACTUALLY there on the edge, no matter how suicidal you are, you are thinking "oh HELL NO, i'm not doing this holy crap".. it is so much more real and scary in real like then they can possibly picturing it being just in their mind.. and so that's why i'm scared of what the death experience is going to be like.. Like what the heck is my spirit going to have to go through, and am i really prepared for that?.. it's kind of a "free..your mind..... neo" moment getting ready to make the jump on to the flip side..

and yeah, i've thought about trying to rope some one in to CTB with me just so it doesn't seem as scary, but it always seemed unfair to try to convince one of the random people i chat with on the internet to end their whole life just so i can have a few final minutes of my life be a little less scary....... because probably after i actually CTB and go through all the weird spirit junk you go through i'll probably be fine afterwards after i get used to spirit world again.. so i don't need to make some one sacrifice their own life just because of that..

i wonder if maybe possibly starting a thread talking about your lead up to CTB would help ease your mind about it?.. like push your date a week or two down the road and create a thread about it now telling people your plans, and then just keep people updated every day or some thing and you can kind of feel like you have some people next to you (kind of) while you go through with it, even though they aren't really there physically with you.. Or you could just make the thread on the actual day and just do a lot of postings in a row updating what you are doing exactly and your progress and then people can comfort you by replying hopefully..

i don't know... leaving this world behind is such a big task, and having to find a decent method is a whole mess of its own already, and it makes me realize you really do have to be brave (not a coward) to go through with CTB... people just don't understand how real it is when it's time to actually have the rubber meet the road and get to the final showdown.. and having to muster through all that alone makes it that much more daunting..