I'm scared to CTB

[Marguerite492]

I'm terrified of it. I'm scared of pain, I'm scared of failing. I'm scared of death even, it's just.... I'm a failure. Life is failing for me, I have no future, no life ahead of me. I've spent my whole life being a drain on my family to the point that my brother doesn't talk to me anymore, and I wish it was over. But I don't know if I could ever bring myself to do it.

I'm just too scared. I just wish I was never born, then I wouldn't have to. I feel so stuck, so trapped in hell I didn't ask to exist in. Every day I pray to God some accident will happen and I'll go, but it hasn't happened. I'm still stuck here.

 

[madebrief]

You and me both. You've worded perfectly how I feel as well.

I watch the news and see someone die in an accident and I just feel that I wish it was me instead.

 

[Marguerite492]

You and me both. You've worded perfectly how I feel as well.

I watch the news and see someone die in an accident and I just feel that I wish it was me instead.

I've had my chance too. I was in a bad car accident, but I was wearing a seatbelt and survived. The whole ordeal was terrifying, i walked away with just some scratches and a concussion, and while a part of me thinks I should just not wear a seatbelt anymore, I'm scared of a nasty accident where I'm in pain.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand. All that I want is to be gone, but yet I feel like I am unable to go through with it as ctb is just so difficult and I fear the method failing. Dying should be easier and I wish that there is an option to just never wake again. Life just seems to be endless pain and suffering with no relief, and I am also tired of it all. It is understandable wishing to die in an accident. I hope that you find freedom from your pain as none of us should have to suffer.

 

[theboy]

I also. Life is a constant race of painful obstacles. I hope you have peace

 

[takemenowpls]

I too pray every night but I think god has turned his back on me. I pray he takes me in my sleep but that's too much to ask for.

 

[Dying2DieDamnSI]

I have what's considered the best and easiest method, and I'm still terrified I'll somehow fail, either spilling it, dropping it, vomiting, or doing everything just right and somehow waking up!

 

[Nanako]

I have what's considered the best and easiest method, and I'm still terrified I'll somehow fail, either spilling it, dropping it, vomiting, or doing everything just right and somehow waking up!

Same. SN?

 

[Dying2DieDamnSI]

Same. SN?

No, N. I can't imagine not waking up, partially because I take so many drugs for my insomnia and still wake up all night and struggle to get 4 hours of sleep!

 

[Nanako]

N

Oh wow. I envy you.

 

[Dying2DieDamnSI]

Oh wow. I envy you.

I know that I'm lucky to have it. I have to take it within the next couple of days. I had a hotel room this week, got paranoid, SI kicked in, and I left.

I poked a couple holes in the top to draw some out to mix with my sleeping pills that no longer work. It barely helped and the first time it made me feel horrible the next day.

I have unbearable tinnitus, have completely lost my appetite, and have such horrible back pain I can hardly move around my house. I can't stand another night of tossing and turning, hearing this unbelievably loud ringing in my ears.

 

[Nanako]

I know that I'm lucky to have it. I have to take it within the next couple of days. I had a hotel room this week, got paranoid, SI kicked in, and I left.

I poked a couple holes in the top to draw some out to mix with my sleeping pills that no longer work. It barely helped and the first time it made me feel horrible the next day.

I have unbearable tinnitus, have completely lost my appetite, and have such horrible back pain I can hardly move around my house. I can't stand another night of tossing and turning, hearing this unbelievably loud ringing in my ears.

I've also been dealing with tinnitus as of late and am having back pain as well. Also haven't had much of an appetite either.

Were you taking any medication other than the sleeping pills?

 

[Dying2DieDamnSI]

I've also been dealing with tinnitus as of late and am having back pain as well. Also haven't had much of an appetite either.

Were you taking any medication other than the sleeping pills?

I'm really sorry to hear that. I completely empathise. Do you know what's causing your symptoms? Do you think they're all related? Mine started out with different causes, but they've all exacerbated each other.

I take a benzodiazepine, soma, and 20mg of Ambien. I've been taking them all for decades and have a huge tolerance.

I got the tinnitus from a ketamine infusion almost a year ago. A month ago it reached a whole new pitch and volume after taking antibiotics for a tooth abscess that still hasn't gone away.

 

[Nanako]

I'm not sure. It could be from the antidepressant I stopped taking 2 months ago. From what I've read it's not impossible for the withdrawal symptoms of this antidepressant in particular to persist for months or even a year. But to tell you the truth, I've been so busy obsessing and worrying over the much larger issues that I have concerning my eyesight that sometimes I forget I even have these other symptoms.

 

[drmihilo]

I, too, believe that the Earth and our life on it is a prison, a personal hell in which each of us is stuck, unable to ask for real help from the outside, because no one can feel the equivalent of your pain.

But one thing comforts me: all things are temporary, and we are only epochs in this cosmic process. A moment, nothing more. The fate of every thing under the sun is to decay and disappear. Accordingly, suffering is also temporary. It's trite, but it's true nonetheless. And thank God for that...

It can't take away the pain, and sometimes even makes it worse, because what can be more painful than the knowledge of imminent death? Nevertheless, behind death lies the idea of freedom-and this is what keeps me going, knowing that at any moment I can be free and that my suffering is only a temporary companion.

Don't worry about it too much. Good luck.

 

[Hollowillow]

I'm terrified of it. I'm scared of pain, I'm scared of failing. I'm scared of death even, it's just.... I'm a failure. Life is failing for me, I have no future, no life ahead of me. I've spent my whole life being a drain on my family to the point that my brother doesn't talk to me anymore, and I wish it was over. But I don't know if I could ever bring myself to do it.

I'm just too scared. I just wish I was never born, then I wouldn't have to. I feel so stuck, so trapped in hell I didn't ask to exist in. Every day I pray to God some accident will happen and I'll go, but it hasn't happened. I'm still stuck here.

I feel the same... Accidents keep happening to me but my SI is overly triggeted from trauma so I even survived being hit by a car... Kill me... I wish you deadly accidents & peace. Or suck out everything you can to survive comfy. See it as payback to your parents for forcing you in hell.

You and me both. You've worded perfectly how I feel as well.

I watch the news and see someone die in an accident and I just feel that I wish it was me instead.

Totally! When the news say "loving person, loved by huge family, career, community, dies tragically". Im hated by all and nope, have to stay here. Maybe they're so in bliss their SI sucks and they die just for slipping in the bathroom. Lucky bastards. Like the dumb married couple who went bunjee on their honeymoon. At least 1 died. Hopefully both or that's massive trauma... Maybe I should go jump out of planes but people survived even that! I need sedatives...

 

[nico1420]

I'm un the same spot, i have My SN, i have money to rent a room, My life is going from Bad to worst and i too am afraid yo do it...i feel some times that i won't be able to go through with it and at the same time feel like i cant go no with life anymore, it's a dreadful feeling, it's like being pushed to a cliff by a sword, no good choice yo take...it feels like crap....

 

[Hollowillow]

No, N. I can't imagine not waking up, partially because I take so many drugs for my insomnia and still wake up all night and struggle to get 4 hours of sleep!

Be my guinea pig?

Try to ban coffee, all sugar, grain, corn... Eat as much vitamin c & b stuff you can. Take 5g of c, the strongest b complex, extra b12 and magnesium ... And tell me if you see a difference. I live at night, can you sleep all day? If not, if you're nocturnal wuth a day job... Find night shifts? Some people have high cortisol at night instead of early.. Adrenal datigue stuff ...? If you drink coffee and energy drinks all day to compensate... Know that foid stays 3 days in your blood. It still has an effect at night. Eat supper for breakfast, it helps have more energy.

No, N. I can't imagine not waking up, partially because I take so many drugs for my insomnia and still wake up all night and struggle to get 4 hours of sleep!

Differences between N & SN?

 

[Dying2DieDamnSI]

I'm not sure. It could be from the antidepressant I stopped taking 2 months ago. From what I've read it's not impossible for the withdrawal symptoms of this antidepressant in particular to persist for months or even a year. But to tell you the truth, I've been so busy obsessing and worrying over the much larger issues that I have concerning my eyesight that sometimes I forget I even have these other symptoms.

It's such shit having one health problem after another, wondering what's coming next all the time. It's torturous!

My eyesight is deteriorating along with the rest of me. My body is failing fast. It went into high gear thanks to menopause.

What AD were you on and for how long? If you're young, I can understand if you're concerned about your vision declining.

 

[Hollowillow]

I know that I'm lucky to have it. I have to take it within the next couple of days. I had a hotel room this week, got paranoid, SI kicked in, and I left.

I poked a couple holes in the top to draw some out to mix with my sleeping pills that no longer work. It barely helped and the first time it made me feel horrible the next day.

I have unbearable tinnitus, have completely lost my appetite, and have such horrible back pain I can hardly move around my house. I can't stand another night of tossing and turning, hearing this unbelievably loud ringing in my ears.

I have tinnitus too, thankfully not that loud. I burry it with fans & pink noise wave. A doc told me b vitamins can improve? Forgot which one... All probably .. for back I read mega doses of vitamin c can fix the collagen. Worked on my knees, even after being beat up & hit with a car. But I understand the constant agony too well... Best of luck fellow too far goner. May you find relief

 

[Nanako]

It's such shit having one health problem after another, wondering what's coming next all the time. It's torturous!

My eyesight is deteriorating along with the rest of me. My body is failing fast. It went into high gear thanks to menopause.

What AD were you on and for how long? If you're young, I can understand if you're concerned about your vision declining.

I was taking Luvox for a few months, couldn't stand the side-effects so I dropped it.

I'm in my early 20s )=

 

[Hollowillow]

I, too, believe that the Earth and our life on it is a prison, a personal hell in which each of us is stuck, unable to ask for real help from the outside, because no one can feel the equivalent of your pain.

But one thing comforts me: all things are temporary, and we are only epochs in this cosmic process. A moment, nothing more. The fate of every thing under the sun is to decay and disappear. Accordingly, suffering is also temporary. It's trite, but it's true nonetheless. And thank God for that...

It can't take away the pain, and sometimes even makes it worse, because what can be more painful than the knowledge of imminent death? Nevertheless, behind death lies the idea of freedom-and this is what keeps me going, knowing that at any moment I can be free and that my suffering is only a temporary companion.

Don't worry about it too much. Good luck.

As poetic as your avatar

 

[Dying2DieDamnSI]

Be my guinea pig?

Try to ban coffee, all sugar, grain, corn... Eat as much vitamin c & b stuff you can. Take 5g of c, the strongest b complex, extra b12 and magnesium ... And tell me if you see a difference. I live at night, can you sleep all day? If not, if you're nocturnal wuth a day job... Find night shifts? Some people have high cortisol at night instead of early.. Adrenal datigue stuff ...? If you drink coffee and energy drinks all day to compensate... Know that foid stays 3 days in your blood. It still has an effect at night. Eat supper for breakfast, it helps have more energy.

Differences between N & SN?

I hate coffee, don't like corn, don't touch energy drinks and I'm vegan and like grains. My appetite is history.

I take supplements, but I'm not going to take crazy amounts. They're mostly worthless and can be dangerous.

No, I can't sleep during the day or night. I'm absolutely exhausted, taken numerous pills almost 2 hours ago, and I'm dreading turning the lights off.

I have no energy at any point in the day. I'm so tired and weak that it's been 4 days since I've showered and WAY longer since I washed my hair.

I don't give a shit anymore! I wish I didn't have all of these health problems. I wouldn't be miserable or disabled.

N= Nembutal SN=Sodium Nitrate

I was taking Luvox for a few months, couldn't stand the side-effects so I dropped it.

I'm in my early 20s )=

Have you seen an ophthalmologist or at least an optometrist? I got a really bad astigmatism when I was in my 20s. Had to give up contacts and had lasik surgery in my 30s. That fixed me right up.

Do you have any kind of auto immune issues. Family history of back and/or eye problems?

Yes, AD side effects can be horrendous. It's not common for them to have long-term effects if you've only been on them a short time, but it takes some people longer to withdraw than others. What does your prescriber say?

 

[Hollowillow]

I hate coffee, don't like corn, don't touch energy drinks and I'm vegan and like grains. My appetite is history.

I take supplements, but I'm not going to take crazy amounts. They're mostly worthless and can be dangerous.

No, I can't sleep during the day or night. I'm absolutely exhausted, taken numerous pills almost 2 hours ago, and I'm dreading turning the lights off.

I have no energy at any point in the day. I'm so tired and weak that it's been 4 days since I've showered and WAY longer since I washed my hair.

I don't give a shit anymore! I wish I didn't have all of these health problems. I wouldn't be miserable or disabled.

N= Nembutal SN=Sodium Nitrate

Have you seen an ophthalmologist or at least an optometrist? I got a really bad astigmatism when I was in my 20s. Had to give up contacts and had lasik surgery in my 30s. That fixed me right up.

Do you have any kind of auto immune issues. Family history of back and/or eye problems?

Yes, AD side effects can be horrendous. It's not common for them to have long-term effects if you've only been on them a short time, but it takes some people longer to withdraw than others. What does your prescriber say?

I hate coffee, don't like corn, don't touch energy drinks and I'm vegan and like grains. My appetite is history.

I take supplements, but I'm not going to take crazy amounts. They're mostly worthless and can be dangerous.

No, I can't sleep during the day or night. I'm absolutely exhausted, taken numerous pills almost 2 hours ago, and I'm dreading turning the lights off.

I have no energy at any point in the day. I'm so tired and weak that it's been 4 days since I've showered and WAY longer since I washed my hair.

I don't give a shit anymore! I wish I didn't have all of these health problems. I wouldn't be miserable or disabled.

N= Nembutal SN=Sodium Nitrate

Have you seen an ophthalmologist or at least an optometrist? I got a really bad astigmatism when I was in my 20s. Had to give up contacts and had lasik surgery in my 30s. That fixed me right up.

Do you have any kind of auto immune issues. Family history of back and/or eye problems?

Yes, AD side effects can be horrendous. It's not common for them to have long-term effects if you've only been on them a short time, but it takes some people longer to withdraw than others. What does your prescriber say?

Forgive me for saying ... I might be completely wrong... And I want to respect your life choices...

But when you said vegan I wondered how you get your B vitamins. I was already low so I had to give up becoming one to save animals. I gave low thyroid & read that soy mimics strogen & slows down the metabolism. So I am supposed to avoid soy to not let it slow down my thyroid...

I had convictions & lifestyle ruin my life before. I know how gard it is to do a radical change. I wanted to study medicine but had to turn my back to be saved by dirty farmers with nutritious crops... Changing my values was hard. But I would have died otherwise... To get a radical life change we need to make one... I also gave up loads of other stuff... Becoming an atheist was also mind shattering... But showing the other cheek was torture... I had to become evil to fight evil. Still working on it. Good luck finding a new path. How do you get B vitamins?

 

[Dying2DieDamnSI]

Forgive me for saying ... I might be completely wrong... And I want to respect your life choices...

But when you said vegan I wondered how you get your B vitamins. I was already low so I had to give up becoming one to save animals. I gave low thyroid & read that soy mimics strogen & slows down the metabolism. So I am supposed to avoid soy to not let it slow down my thyroid...

I had convictions & lifestyle ruin my life before. I know how gard it is to do a radical change. I wanted to study medicine but had to turn my back to be saved by dirty farmers with nutritious crops... Changing my values was hard. But I would have died otherwise... To get a radical life change we need to make one... I also gave up loads of other stuff... Becoming an atheist was also mind shattering... But showing the other cheek was torture... I had to become evil to fight evil. Still working on it. Good luck finding a new path. How do you get B vitamins?

It's simple, vegan multi vitamins. There are also vegan B12 alone. I've never been deficient in any vitamins. There are vegan supplements for everything, including Omega 3.

I also have low thyroid, T3 to be exact. I love soy, and it hasn't affected my thyroid. I do take a very low dose of liothyronine. I'm also on bioidentical hormones that are 100% plant-based.

There are so many vegan products that don't contain soy, you can have great food and get all the nutrition you need without affecting your health negatively, and actually improve it.

If you really care about not contributing to the extreme suffering of non-human beings, you can choose to do so.

I too am an atheist, but I may have mentioned that in my post. I still live by the 'golden rule'. I would literally die (even before I was suicidal) before doing everything humanly possible to not contribute to the enslavement, exploitation, rape, torture, and murder of sentient beings.

My values and ethics are who I am. They all align. Nothing could make me change them. But, that's me.

At least now you know that you don't need to be deficient in B12 or anything else to be vegan! I wish you luck in making lifestyle choices you can feel good about, whatever they are.

 

[jodes2]

the same... Accidents keep happening to me but my SI is overly triggeted from trauma so I even survived being hit by a car... Kill me... I wish you deadly accidents & peace. Or suck out everything you can to survive comfy. See it as payback to your parents for forcing you in hell.

Totally! When the news say "loving person, loved by huge family, career, community, dies tragically". Im hated by all and nope, have to stay here. Maybe they're so in bliss their SI sucks and they die just for slipping in the bathroom. Lucky bastards. Like the dumb married couple who went bunjee on their honeymoon. At least 1 died. Hopefully both or that's massive trauma... Maybe I should go jump out of planes but people survived even that! I need sedatives...

Survival rate jumping out of a plane is minimal, I think only 2 people in history have survived. I'd go skydiving if I didn't get anxious being around other people. Then just jump without releasing the parachute one day. I can definitely imagine jumping out of a plane without SI kicking in. Jumping off a cliff is so much harder for some reason

 

[Hollowillow]

It's simple, vegan multi vitamins. There are also vegan B12 alone. I've never been deficient in any vitamins. There are vegan supplements for everything, including Omega 3.

I also have low thyroid, T3 to be exact. I love soy, and it hasn't affected my thyroid. I do take a very low dose of liothyronine. I'm also on bioidentical hormones that are 100% plant-based.

There are so many vegan products that don't contain soy, you can have great food and get all the nutrition you need without affecting your health negatively, and actually improve it.

If you really care about not contributing to the extreme suffering of non-human beings, you can choose to do so.

I too am an atheist, but I may have mentioned that in my post. I still live by the 'golden rule'. I would literally die (even before I was suicidal) before doing everything humanly possible to not contribute to the enslavement, exploitation, rape, torture, and murder of sentient beings.

My values and ethics are who I am. They all align. Nothing could make me change them. But, that's me.

At least now you know that you don't need to be deficient in B12 or anything else to be vegan! I wish you luck in making lifestyle choices you can feel good about, whatever they are.

Thank you, it was informative.

How do they make vegan b supplements? Algae? Bacteria?

How are you sure the thyroid isn't affected by soy if yours is indeed slower too? But I think the body isn't stupid and mine slowed the metabolism on purpose to compensate for malnutrition (I just eat 1 meal)

My problem is that I consider plants sentient beings. Letting them starve in my cold refrigerator while ripping a piece of them everyday... Alive... Enough to grow... It breaks my heart.

Survival rate jumping out of a plane is minimal, I think only 2 people in history have survived. I'd go skydiving if I didn't get anxious being around other people. Then just jump without releasing the parachute one day. I can definitely imagine jumping out of a plane without SI kicking in. Jumping off a cliff is so much harder for some reason

I bet I would survive a plane. Why is it easier to jump off a plane? At first you jump with an instructor to save you & calm the SI?

 

[Dying2DieDamnSI]

Thank you, it was informative.

How do they make vegan b supplements? Algae? Bacteria?

How are you sure the thyroid isn't affected by soy if yours is indeed slower too? But I think the body isn't stupid and mine slowed the metabolism on purpose to compensate for malnutrition (I just eat 1 meal)

My problem is that I consider plants sentient beings. Letting them starve in my cold refrigerator while ripping a piece of them everyday... Alive... Enough to grow... It breaks my heart.

I bet I would survive a plane. Why is it easier to jump off a plane? At first you jump with an instructor to save you & calm the SI?

You're welcome. I'm glad!

Here's everything you need to know about vegan B12 supplementation. https://www.vegansociety.com/resour...le vegan sources,, comes from micro-organisms

Plants do not feel pain. They don't have pain receptors, nerves, or a brain. Slicing up a carrot is not going to make it scream in silence. Slaughter houses are full of screams. Factory farms are full of animals in anguish and terror. Talking about this is too upsetting to me. I've seen things that are burnt into my brain forever, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it except not contribute to it.

Take care.

 

[Bluebag]

I feel exactly the same, too scared to CTB and a burden on my family just leaching on them, hope you do good take care, try to do what you love and what gives you peace

 

[thedaywillcome]

Not scared. I am convinced its the right thing to do to escape this horrible life.