I’m scared for my girlfriend to realize how depressed I am so I hide it (horribly)

[mytoxicreality]

My girlfriend is off put by how sad I am all the time but I'm naturally depressed. I push her away the more I'm depressed I don't mean too but I go so quiet everything bothers me. I can't talk because I just seem crazy. I love her I know she loves me but I'm so depressed in ways she just wouldn't ever understand and being around someone so sad is never fun. I can't seem to be happy except in manic episodes. If she finds out it's gonna make her worry so much and I'm so different everyday it's confusing . I'm always depressed but some days I'm so happy it seems I'm over it but it takes 2 seconds for me to self destruct. I'm just worried it's gonna push her away more and more. Because in the end I know my fate anyways and maybe it's scary to be with someone like that. I understand. I just hope to make her happy as much as I can before im gone.

 

[Wilting Daisy]

It sounds like you really care about her and her wellbeing.
I struggle with this myself. It's helped me to find outlets for my struggles (through a lot of trial and error) so I don't burden them too much.
I'm sure she would appreciate to be made aware of what you're dealing with when the time feels right for you. Maybe when you've discovered an avenue or two you can rely on more heavily?
I like to let my significant other in on a struggle that seems fixable or I have a vague solution to, that way they can feel of use and as though you are doing okay once the easier problems are fixed.

 

[Hookah-smoking-cat]

My girlfriend is off put by how sad I am all the time but I'm naturally depressed. I push her away the more I'm depressed I don't mean too but I go so quiet everything bothers me. I can't talk because I just seem crazy. I love her I know she loves me but I'm so depressed in ways she just wouldn't ever understand and being around someone so sad is never fun. I can't seem to be happy except in manic episodes. If she finds out it's gonna make her worry so much and I'm so different everyday it's confusing . I'm always depressed but some days I'm so happy it seems I'm over it but it takes 2 seconds for me to self destruct. I'm just worried it's gonna push her away more and more. Because in the end I know my fate anyways and maybe it's scary to be with someone like that. I understand. I just hope to make her happy as much as I can before im gone.

It's not fair to her.

 

[Grav]

Has your depression ever come up in conversation? Are you in any treatment for it? It sounds like it's not something hidden so she may be waiting for you to broach the subject. She sees something in you that she likes or she'd be gone by now. I've been in your spot and I've missed thing because of "moodiness" because it was never brought up that I would be upset about other things than the other person.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be really hard being in that situation, I'm sorry that you suffer. I do think that it's understandable why some people choose to hide how they feel from others, as after all others can never really understand what we go through as we all experience life differently. I would never see it as a good idea to open up about wanting to ctb as we live in a world where suicide is so stigmatised.