Venting I'm racked with guilt over CTB

[inverse-weibull]

I want to preface with saying that I don't think ctb is selfish, nor are people who ctb bad people. These are just feelings that I've been dealing with, likely driven by imposter syndrome that my pain isn't enough to justify ctb like others have had to deal with.

I was watching a show with that one trope you see all the time, where the person who ctb'd is brought back as a ghost to see how much it affected their loved ones, and they break down crying and ask to go back. And I broke down crying too, because I know that even still I wouldn't want to come back and I just feel so awful about that.

I have parents who really care about me and have invested so much into my life thus far. They've both been improving themselves as well, and I know my death will break them. I have two really meaningful online friendships, one of whom is partially financially dependent on me. Both of them suffer from depression too, and grief will just worsen their pain. I have two plushies (scooby and cinnamoroll) who mean so much to me, I don't even know what will happen to them. I also have extended family who would have to travel really far for the funeral.

I've made plans and promises with friends, coworkers, and family that I know I'll never keep. I read through suicide bereavement posts, and I understand that I'm causing immense trauma they can never fully heal from.

All that makes me feel so miserable. It's not like any of this is a surprise, where I didn't know how much I meant to them until after I did it. And yet I'm still doing it anyways.

I know that reading this, the obvious and logical solution is to just not ctb. Experiencing this much guilt for an action and still doing it anyways seems counterintuitive. And I agree with that in theory, but I just can't keep going. I'm so tired from life.

It's not like I'm doing it impulsively, I've had it planned for a couple months now (have a date picked out in May). I'll be back home, so my family won't have to go through the pain of packing up and moving all my belongings. I'll have graduated but not yet started my job, so my peers and coworkers won't have to be directly impacted. It's the best I can do, but I know it won't fix the pain I'm causing.

I don't know if any of this was cohesive or made any sense. It's just really been weighing on me and there's no one I can vent about it to irl.

 

[cxndypop]

I've had a few experiences with breaking down because of that trope as well, and I really feel with your apparent contradictions. Living is supposedly the "right" thing to do when I have so many people that like me for some stupid reason, but goddamn is it hard just to get through another day, and I just want to be selfish for once in my life.

It's also really nice to hear someone talk about their feelings towards their inanimate objects as well. I have a few plushies (a black dog, old white rabbit, and a multitude of My Melody, Pompompurin, Hello Kitty, Kirby, and Miku) as well as a old baby blanket that I love to death and have helped me calm down a lot over the years. I worry over what's going to happen to them after I die, to the point where I am planning to write a section in my note of how I want to distribute them to make sure they end up in loving homes. I feel really stupid for putting so much effort into this, so I'm kinda glad in a weird way someone else express the same worry.
I really wish your Cinnamoroll and Scooby will be happy and safe wherever they end up. <33

 

[inverse-weibull]

I've had a few experiences with breaking down because of that trope as well, and I really feel with your apparent contradictions. Living is supposedly the "right" thing to do when I have so many people that like me for some stupid reason, but goddamn is it hard just to get through another day, and I just want to be selfish for once in my life.

It's also really nice to hear someone talk about their feelings towards their inanimate objects as well. I have a few plushies (a black dog, old white rabbit, and a multitude of My Melody, Pompompurin, Hello Kitty, Kirby, and Miku) as well as a old baby blanket that I love to death and have helped me calm down a lot over the years. I worry over what's going to happen to them after I die, to the point where I am planning to write a section in my note of how I want to distribute them to make sure they end up in loving homes. I feel really stupid for putting so much effort into this, so I'm kinda glad in a weird way someone else express the same worry.
I really wish your Cinnamoroll and Scooby will be happy and safe wherever they end up. <33

I relate a lot to what you said, I think that's a really great way of explaining it. Also it's nice to meet a fellow sanrio fan! I'm glad you get it with the plushies, it feels super silly sometimes but they've comforted me through so much both now and in the past. I think I'll also include a section in my note to make sure they stay cared for. I hope your plushies and blanket will stay well loved. Wishing the best for you as well <3