Venting I'm on my last legs.

[http-410]

I don't know why I'm writing this. Apparently, I feel the urge to let the whole world know that I'm really fucked up.

I came so close a few hours ago. I don't know why I didn't just stand still and wait for the problem to resolve itself. For me personally, I have found that it only takes just one straw to break the camel's back. I don't know if I can plan long enough when it comes to the worst.

Every time it gets worse, I get closer to it. Mentally and physically. I have never been there so long and so close, and I was barely afraid. It was close enough to be crushed. How close exactly I was there and how long I stood around, I don't remember. My memory is a little holey, but I didn't touch the metal, even though my leg reached out for it. Today on the gravel, next time on the track.

It would be a reprehensible act. I am reprehensible, even though, naive as I was, I have always adhered to goodness, adhered to the law. Who would have thought that I would be where I am today. And no one except my therapist knows about it, and not all of it.

The best thing is still that it doesn't matter at all. One of 7.9 billion. A waste of space.

I loathe myself for still being here. It really is almost unbearable. I will try to call the helpline later, but it is probably pointless. I lost this battle a long time ago.

Even if I were to bring it up in "therapy". There is a risk of being admitted. Besides, even if I kill myself, it doesn't matter. So what's the point? Therapy should be over soon anyway. In the end, nobody cares, and I don't expect them to.

It doesn't matter.

 

[Crazy4u]

sorry to hear about your struggle. Let it all out if you want. We are listening

 

[down for the count]

Life can be pure torture when you don't think anyone cares about you. Give therapy a chance. You might be surprised.

 

[http-410]

sorry to hear about your struggle. Let it all out if you want. We are listening

Thanks. Honestly, there is not much to tell. I am utterly hopeless, therapy fails and everything only gets worse. Mentally I feel very bad and I feel like my head is about to burst. The suicidality is becoming more and more pronounced, very much more is not possible, I think. After years of therapy, I have no more strength for this crap. The helpline is busy and I'm having trouble restraining myself from going to the tracks a second time today. It will probably all come down to drugging myself to sleep. And then tomorrow this shit goes on just the same, because it just doesn't get any better. Everything is piling up and at some point I will burst.

I'm so sick of all this shit. Sorry for the profanities, but I don't know how else to put it.

Life can be pure torture when you don't think anyone cares about you. Give therapy a chance. You might be surprised.

Unfortunately, all previous therapies have failed so far, and during the last one I became suicidal.

 

[ket]

Unfortunately, all previous therapies have failed so far, and during the last one I became suicidal.

same, i always just felt like i left more aware of how fucked i am.

…don't tell anyone tho, i'm looking for a new one atm, i think i just like to hear myself complain.

 

[FuneralCry]

It really is painful when everything is hopeless. I understand it is hard to carry on when you are suffering so much. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.