I’m not well, but I am ‘recovering’.

[brittlemoth]

I still don't like my life, I still suffer from overwhelming stress due to my mental condition. I still contemplate it on a regular basis. I'm not in a good housing situation and I don't ever really feel safe. I feel like everything is about to fall apart and I can't tell if I want it to happen or not because I don't know if/how it will manifest. Anxiety is pretty constant as well as many other symptoms cropping up.

At the same time, I am pursuing many of my personal goals. I am off my drug of choice for probably a month now. I am finding ways to cope with my situations and conditions outside of conventional structures. I am stretching on a regular basis and going outside more. I am developing an understanding of trauma and how it manifests.

I still don't like my life. I still don't really like myself all that much. I still don't want to be here on a very regular basis. I still feel my life to be an endless onslaught of suffering in which I live in some sort of vast complex prison/control mechanism. If anything, being alive makes me sick.

I see myself recovering in a lot of ways. So I wanted to share that. Recovering doesn't always mean feeling better. It does make it easier to cope and pursue my goals sometimes, though.

 

[Haematemesis]

it is not a monotonous process and you'll have ups and downs (mostly downs)
I hope you keep trying to get better and eventually look back and say "I'm glad i tried and it paid off well"