I’m not ready

[ambivalent.]

But I think I'm gonna do it anyway. I want to rest. I want to stop agonizing. I want to stop trying. I don't want to watch the life I worked hard to build fall apart.

I am thinking maybe next week, but maybe I will wait around til after my birthday next month, so I can have a party and see a lot of the people I love and will miss.

I don't know if I want someone to stop me or I just want the people I love let me float away.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are suffering. I also want to rest, I have had enough of being alive. I know that it can be hard to carry on when you are so tired of everything. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.

 

[Britvik]

Ceasing to exist will be an option for as long as it isn't.
No rush.

 

[SunnyPotato]

I hope you find the rest you are looking for. If you may want someone to stop you, I hope you can gain more clarity on that before you do something that can't be undone. It might be nice to see your loved ones for your birthday, who knows what that may bring. In any case, there's no rush. The options will be there tomorrow, next week, next month.... I do hope you find peace but I hope you are as sure as possible before you move forward with plans, and I am sorry that you're enduring this pain in the meantime.

 

[deathbydragon]

If you're not ready and not commited, but still force yourself to go ahead, there's a higher chance to fuck up whatever method you've decided on...

 

[downndone2]

If you're not ready then why not wait. Why are you thinking your world is going to fall apart? I would recommend having that birthday party for sure

 

[Foresight]

I think you should have that party and go from there.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

I'm not ready means not now.

Please don't rush this. It is one decision that cannot be undone.

Why are you so sure that your life will fall apart?

We are good listeners here and there is no rush. Please talk to us.

 

[ArcherFiles44]

I think you should have that party and go from there.

I like the party idea it shows you still have connection to this life

 

[ambivalent.]

My depression and anxiety are so overwhelming. Life is overwhelming. I told a counselor it's like I'm working a room of assembly lines that are turned up too fast. And money- we never have quite enough, and I'm not good at managing it. Plus, it intersects with my anxiety and shame… And suicidal thoughts are stuck, technicolor, neon, overpowering in my brain. I have a lot good in my life, but my own mind and body, and this system of capitalistic individualism, betray me.

Also, I have five kids, toddlerhood through teenage years. I adore them and they need me. In my right mind, I recognize I owe it to them to do anything to stick around longer.

But I don't think I can do it. Not without more help.

I tried to talk to my husband about therapy together and about shifting his schedule to come home at suppertime instead of bed- that him being home for bedtime could help my nervous system not go so haywire every night. That was an awful convo. We didn't connect or understand each other. He refuses and acts like I'm unreasonable or ungrateful. I felt even more hopeless after that.

In my head, I settle on going ahead and taking sodium nitrite, maybe on Friday. And then I look at my kids and think "how the fuck can I do that?" And then I feel that sense of despair and like my brain is on fire and think "I can't wait a minute longer than that. I'm going to do it soon, why not just get it tf over with so I can rest."

If you're not ready and not commited, but still force yourself to go ahead, there's a higher chance to fuck up whatever method you've decided on...

This is true- I could totally see myself taking the SN and then panicking and calling an ambulance, making life even harder.

I'm not ready means not now.

Please don't rush this. It is one decision that cannot be undone.

Why are you so sure that your life will fall apart?

We are good listeners here and there is no rush. Please talk to us.

Thank you for this invitation to share more. I'm not ready but I'm also not feeling able to *not* take action. It's such a fucking compulsion.

 

[FindingPeace8]

Im really sorry and can feel your anxiety and desperation through your post. 5 kids is a lot to handle. Do you have any other family to help you with the kids? If you could get a break every once in a while would it help you feel like you could stick around for their sakes? I'm not trying to sound mean or invalidating, just honestly young kids are absolutely a great reason to not CTB. Maybe it's worth it to stick around and see them grow up. Have you tried medication and therapy yet?

 

[xo777]

If you aren't ready then you can stay a bit longer and think it through a little more. You don't have to stay forever of course and I know you are under a lot of stress right now. Just don't do it if you aren't fully ready yet.

 

[Red Scare]

Also, I have five kids, toddlerhood through teenage years. I adore them and they need me. In my right mind, I recognize I owe it to them to do anything to stick around longer.

And then I look at my kids and think "how the fuck can I do that?"

Looks like you already know why you should stay. Being a parent means incredible sacrifice. They don't ask to be born. They don't ask for anything that happens, and you will be traumatizing them for the rest of their lives. You owe it to them to at least raise them all to adulthood. A parent puts their kids wellbeing before their own, that's the job of a parent.

You said you talked to your husband. Did you explain to him clearly that you are struggling with mental health issues and that you feel so stressed that you actually want to kill yourself, and that this isn't a tenable situation for your kids? You both need to think of your kids. They need you more than you know.

There are several of us who are here because we lost someone to suicide. A mother, a spouse, a sibling... these are the most heart wrenching posts to read. I would hate to see your husband or kid here in a couple months posting on this forum.