Venting I’m losing it

[foggy]

I have been wanting to ctb for a decade now, though I've only actually attempted once (lithium overdose, didn't work obviously). I've had brief periods of happiness but it's not worth this pain. I'm in hell. I'm in dire straits financially, so much debt and unemployed due to illness. My family is falling apart around me. I don't even think any of them actually care about me, they just pretend to because they feel bad for me. My mom is/was emotionally abusive and i have PTSD from that and watching her continue to turn on my youngest sister is torture. I have an eating disorder from which I can never get a moments peace. I have crippling anxiety and depression and I'm never going to get better. There's no way out of this. There's no hope. My tipping point today was my beloved cat dying. I woke up to find him at the side of my bed. I just dropped to my knees and sobbed. I've been crying all day. I've been thinking about this for months, years. This is not a spur of the moment decision. My notes are already written up. But I think this is it. Either I don't wake up tomorrow or idk what. I can't fucking go on like this. I need out of this prison. I can't fucking cope. I have no way to cope. Nothing works. Nothing helps. Nothing will ever help. There's no getting better. I'm either going to ctb now or later and I'd prefer it be now. I have SN and all the necessary accompanying meds. I think I'm going to ctb tonight.

 

[virgilwalks]

So much pain in your post. Losing a beloved pet is heartbreaking. We are here for you.

 

[unnoticed]

losing my cats will be my final straw, i completely understand…the loss just feels so devastating. i am so very sorry for your loss and pain

 

[SexyIncél]

God I'm so sorry. You waited so long, that's impressive

I wish there were a way to get your youngest sister out of there; hopefully whatever you decide to do will have an effect on that

 

[fastFWD]

i'm so sorry to hear about your cat; that is just awful ;( i can relate to and have/am going through a lot of what you described in your post; my dog hasn't died yet but that would def be my tipping point. my mom was very mentally abusive to me and my siblings and now is doing it with my niece; it is awful. i hear you/feel you screaming from the inside out. it really is like being in a prison... i wish i could offer you some advice on how to break free but alas there is no escape when you are trapped within yourself :(

 

[theboy]

Oh, you've been through a lot of suffering. I wish you peace in your heart

 

[foggy]

So much pain in your post. Losing a beloved pet is heartbreaking. We are here for you.

I am in pieces. I knew he was going to go but I didn't realize how soon. Thank you.

losing my cats will be my final straw, i completely understand…the loss just feels so devastating. i am so very sorry for your loss and pain

It's absolutely devastating. The grief knows no bounds. Thank you.

God I'm so sorry. You waited so long, that's impressive

I wish there were a way to get your youngest sister out of there; hopefully whatever you decide to do will have an effect on that

Thank you. It has been a long time. Idk how I've held out this long. I have been trying to get my sister out for a while. She's currently at a program where she goes to school and is not in the house so she is safe. She can also take refuge with my dad. I think she'll be okay after I'm gone though leaving my siblings is going to be hard.

i'm so sorry to hear about your cat; that is just awful ;( i can relate to and have/am going through a lot of what you described in your post; my dog hasn't died yet but that would def be my tipping point. my mom was very mentally abusive to me and my siblings and now is doing it with my niece; it is awful. i hear you/feel you screaming from the inside out. it really is like being in a prison... i wish i could offer you some advice on how to break free but alas there is no escape when you are trapped within yourself :(

Thank you. I hope your dog lives a long life. Im sorry about your mom. It really is awful and it's devastating to watch them on their next victims. It truly is a prison. It's okay that you can't offer advice. I appreciate it though. <3

Oh, you've been through a lot of suffering. I wish you peace in your heart

I guess I have. I always feel like other people have it worse, yk? But idk. I guess I'm valid too. Thank you.

 

[theboy]

I guess I have. I always feel like other people have it worse, yk? But idk. I guess I'm valid too. Thank you.

Don't invalidate your emotions. We all suffer but in different ways and the pains of others are no more or less than yours.

 

[LeavingEarly]

I have been wanting to ctb for a decade now, though I've only actually attempted once (lithium overdose, didn't work obviously). I've had brief periods of happiness but it's not worth this pain. I'm in hell. I'm in dire straits financially, so much debt and unemployed due to illness. My family is falling apart around me. I don't even think any of them actually care about me, they just pretend to because they feel bad for me. My mom is/was emotionally abusive and i have PTSD from that and watching her continue to turn on my youngest sister is torture. I have an eating disorder from which I can never get a moments peace. I have crippling anxiety and depression and I'm never going to get better. There's no way out of this. There's no hope. My tipping point today was my beloved cat dying. I woke up to find him at the side of my bed. I just dropped to my knees and sobbed. I've been crying all day. I've been thinking about this for months, years. This is not a spur of the moment decision. My notes are already written up. But I think this is it. Either I don't wake up tomorrow or idk what. I can't fucking go on like this. I need out of this prison. I can't fucking cope. I have no way to cope. Nothing works. Nothing helps. Nothing will ever help. There's no getting better. I'm either going to ctb now or later and I'd prefer it be now. I have SN and all the necessary accompanying meds. I think I'm going to ctb tonight.

What is your method?

 

[FuneralCry]

Life really is too cruel and it's understandable wanting to escape from all that. It sounds like you have been through a lot and I know that it's dreadful when things just get worse. I wish you peace and freedom from suffering.