Venting I’m living a nightmare

[willitpass]

I had a therapy session with my dad today. It quickly turned into me saying how I don't feel like I'm getting any better, feeling like I don't even want to get any better, and being terrified that my future will turn into my dad getting a conservatorship over me and institutionalizing me for the rest of my life. His response is that if it comes down to it, he will do it. The rest of the session was my dad and therapist telling me how it's my choice if I want to work in treatment to get better and go home or my dad get a conservatorship and I lose everything. I would yell at them that I fucking know that it's my choice, I'm not fucking stupid, but I'm so fucking exhausted. I've been fighting this my whole life and I'm tired, I don't have it in me anymore.

My dad eventually said "well if you aren't going to try then we'll stop wasting everyone's time and I'll go to court and start looking for somewhere to send you". I just sobbed. He asked me "if you were a parent in this situation, what would you do?". I didn't answer, but I wanted to just say "I can't imagine letting my child die, but if they were suffering that much for so long I could not fathom locking them up just to suffer for the rest of their life". I did tell him at what point are you keeping someone alive to just keep them alive?

The session ended with my dad and therapist saying that they see progress in me even if I don't. I am so fucking sick of people telling me that. They aren't living in my head to realize the hell Im living in.

This is a nightmare situation. There genuinely is no choice anymore but to fake getting better. How I'll achieve that I have no fucking clue. I am so fucking exhausted. The thought of having to fake recovery again sounds impossible. But I will just have to keep in mind what is at stake. All I need is to get well enough that they believe I will not kill myself, and then I can discharge and CTB on the way to the airport.

 

[ma0]

My dad eventually said "well if you aren't going to try then we'll stop wasting everyone's time and I'll go to court and start looking for somewhere to send you".

What a stupid thing to say. Nevermind how obviously he's blaming the victim, but what the fuck does he even mean by "trying to get better?" What defines trying? You can't just tell someone to "try" to recover and not tell them what that entails.

 

[loneloser]

Wow your dad is a piece of work, to say the least. I'm really horrible at giving 'advice' and I don't know if you want to hear this, but one word I have for you is: Run.
Anywhere you can go to escape your dad is where I suggest, different states, cities, etc, whatever.

 

[willitpass]

What a stupid thing to say. Nevermind how obviously he's blaming the victim, but what the fuck does he even mean by "trying to get better?" What defines trying? You can't just tell someone to "try" to recover and not tell them what that entails.

Wow your dad is a piece of work, to say the least. I'm really horrible at giving 'advice' and I don't know if you want to hear this, but one word I have for you is: Run.
Anywhere you can go to escape your dad is where I suggest, different states, cities, etc, whatever.

While I understand how you could make these conclusions out of context, my dad had actually been my strongest support through my life. He has been with me through everything and is an amazing person. This response is coming from fear. The situation he is in is a horrible one to be in where he knows the odds of losing his daughter are extremely high. I can only imagine how terrifying that feels. Fear brings out the worst in people.

 

[Brokensaddle]

Have you tried meds to numb your feelings? There were days i couldn't get out of bed without taking Benzos. It didn't fix me but it give me the strength to get up in the morning when i mentally was too overwhelmed

 

[Dingo67]

I'm so sorry to hear how you are treated. That's horrible how your own father treats you. I've always believed that if you love something, set it free. Clearly they don't. Praying things get better for you.

 

[loneloser]

While I understand how you could make these conclusions out of context, my dad had actually been my strongest support through my life. He has been with me through everything and is an amazing person. This response is coming from fear. The situation he is in is a horrible one to be in where he knows the odds of losing his daughter are extremely high. I can only imagine how terrifying that feels. Fear brings out the worst in people.

Oh, I see. Sorry for assuming such.
I hope you find the peace you're looking for which ever you choose.

 

[willitpass]

Today my doctor told me if I don't get better I will end up in a group home. And then they proceeded to give me even more bad news about my treatment immediately after. I'm in hell right now.

I've started planting the seeds of feigning recovery. I dropped my rating scales but the slightest bit today and will gradually drop them over the next couple of weeks. I did a bunch of homework despite having no desire to do so and not really seeing any benefit in it. I'm going to get out of here. I will not let my life turn into being institutionalized. I broke down a bit to the doctor and therapist today, but that's okay because they would be more suspicious if I made some miraculous turn around overnight. Over the next few days I will say that the threat of being institutionalized was a wake up call for me and made me realize I want to recover. I will play the game and hopefully be discharged before March. I will get an Uber to a gas station from here rather than to the airport, I will get a can of gasoline and a lighter, find a relatively safe place, and CTB. I will never make it home.

This is what has to be done.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Today my doctor told me if I don't get better I will end up in a group home. And then they proceeded to give me even more bad news about my treatment immediately after. I'm in hell right now.

I've started planting the seeds of feigning recovery. I dropped my rating scales but the slightest bit today and will gradually drop them over the next couple of weeks. I did a bunch of homework despite having no desire to do so and not really seeing any benefit in it. I'm going to get out of here. I will not let my life turn into being institutionalized. I broke down a bit to the doctor and therapist today, but that's okay because they would be more suspicious if I made some miraculous turn around overnight. Over the next few days I will say that the threat of being institutionalized was a wake up call for me and made me realize I want to recover. I will play the game and hopefully be discharged before March. I will get an Uber to a gas station from here rather than to the airport, I will get a can of gasoline and a lighter, find a relatively safe place, and CTB. I will never make it home.

This is what has to be done.

At least get back into a situation where you have freedom to plan and act without having to account to these people.

I feel awful for you. I know you are in hell. And I feel terrified of ending back in the clutches of the mental health system should I fail an attempt. Of being subjected to the same disempowering things or worse.

It's infuriating that they think this kind of coercion is conducive to recovery, as if you can will it to to be so.

 

[sorrynormal]

I don't feel like I'm getting any better, feelin

No one exists or was raised in a vacuum. We all have a collection of experience, relationships, families. The mental health system's job is to ignore all of the context and strip it all down to a problem with YOU. And yes the only way you get out of an institution is to tell the treatment team that the medication is wonderful and really works well, and oh wow I'm so much better.

It's not about justice, truth, or really healing (i hate that word) from whatever ales you. It's about appearances and making everyone else feel like they are 'helping' when they really aren't. The more you try to interject any truth, the more you will be punished (from personal experience). The only way you can 'win' is to get the hell out of the system; it's setup to please the person or institution in the power position.

 

[divinemistress36]

@willitpass please dont burn yourself such an awful way to go. Is trying SN again not an option?

 

[willitpass]

@willitpass please dont burn yourself such an awful way to go. Is trying SN again not an option?

My mind is fully set on burning. I have failed too many peaceful methods. I cannot fail again. This is the most foolproof method without having access to a gun.

 

[divinemistress36]

My mind is fully set on burning. I have failed too many peaceful methods. I cannot fail again. This is the most foolproof method without having access to a gun.

Not even jumping?

 

[willitpass]

Not even jumping?

As strange as it sounds, I cannot imagine mustering the courage to jump. I have thought over my plan time and time again and have full confidence in burning.

 

[Dai]

As strange as it sounds, I cannot imagine mustering the courage to jump. I have thought over my plan time and time again and have full confidence in burning.

Would you consider huffing duster to pass out in some water or in cold temperatures for hypothermia? Alcohol+sedatives could work too.

Arkansas Woman Drowns after Huffing Duster - DrugAbuse.com

Duster, also known as canned or compressed air, is used to clean pieces of electronic equipment or other sensitive devices. Unfortunately, duster is also a product commonly abused. Known as “huffing,” users inhale the chemical-laden compressed air as a way to get a quick high. Duster Claims...

drugabuse.com

It always looks like insta regret when people set fire to themselves. I've also seen a video of ISIS setting a guy on fire. The most traumatic video I've ever seen.

 

[willitpass]

Would you consider huffing duster to pass out in some water or in cold temperatures for hypothermia? Alcohol+sedatives could work too.

Arkansas Woman Drowns after Huffing Duster - DrugAbuse.com

Duster, also known as canned or compressed air, is used to clean pieces of electronic equipment or other sensitive devices. Unfortunately, duster is also a product commonly abused. Known as “huffing,” users inhale the chemical-laden compressed air as a way to get a quick high. Duster Claims...

drugabuse.com

It always looks like insta regret when people set fire to themselves. I've also seen a video of ISIS setting a guy on fire with his skin melting off and he was still sort of alive.

It will hurt unimaginably, which will likely lead to regret in the moment, but I will become unconscious within 5 minutes due to inhalation of smoke. I will be in agony for those minutes, and then will never feel anything again. Even if I did survive initially after passing out and was rushed to the hospital, large surface area burns combined with smoke inhalation have very low survival outcomes even with the most high quality medical care.

 

[8leveloquenfrn4evr8]

holy fuckin crap that sounds truly hellish... I hope you can get free and find peace, whichever way you choose.

 

[bananaolympus]

As strange as it sounds, I cannot imagine mustering the courage to jump. I have thought over my plan time and time again and have full confidence in burning.

I know many have fear of heights i did jump busted my jaw and legs but it did not hurt adrenaline is so powerful, but i don't know if i can say the same to burning, if i had to choose between burning or jumping id jump again

 

[8leveloquenfrn4evr8]

Don't all the nerve endings get destroyed w/i a few minutes so that you no longer feel pain even if you are still dying?

 

[Dai]

It will hurt unimaginably, which will likely lead to regret in the moment, but I will become unconscious within 5 minutes due to inhalation of smoke. I will be in agony for those minutes, and then will never feel anything again. Even if I did survive initially after passing out and was rushed to the hospital, large surface area burns combined with smoke inhalation have very low survival outcomes even with the most high quality medical care.

https://watchpeopledie.tv/h/isis/post/52934/jordanian-pilot-burned-alive-by-isis

 

[Whale_bones]

[.]

I appreciate you may have positive intentions, but I don't think posting a direct link to a video you described in your last comment as "the most traumatic video I've ever seen" is helpful to anyone. Let's keep the focus on OP.

 

[willitpass]

https://watchpeopledie.tv/h/isis/post/52934/jordanian-pilot-burned-alive-by-isis

I appreciate you may have positive intentions, but I don't think posting a direct link to a video you described in your last comment as "the most traumatic video I've ever seen" is helpful to anyone. Let's keep the focus on OP.

I've already watched videos of people burning to death, including the soldier who set himself on fire on DC. I know how fucking horrifying it is. I am not going into this blind or ignorant. I have the healthcare background to know the physiology of what will happen as well as the mental capacity to know the emotional implications of it. Sending me links of gore to try and shock me out of this isn't productive.

I am well aware of how shocking my method is, but no one can talk me out of it. I know what will happen. I know it will be the most pain a human can experience. I know the hell Im in for if I survive. I know how insane this sounds. But my mind is set on it.

 

[Dai]

Sending me links of gore to try and shock me out of this isn't productive.

I tried, I guess. Hopefully it all works out for you in the end.

 

[Whale_bones]

I am not going into this blind or ignorant. I have the healthcare background to know the physiology of what will happen as well as the mental capacity to know the emotional implications of it. Sending me links of gore to try and shock me out of this isn't productive.

I 100% recognize that, and my comment was keeping in mind both yourself (since direct links to gore divert from you talking about your own experiences) and the many people that read your threads, who aren't helped by suddenly coming upon a direct link like that (it's not uncommon for people to have an impulse to click on them, then regret watching and experience a worse mental state because of it). I wasn't trying to assume anything about you personally, and I apologize if it came off like that.

 

[SchrodingerIsDed]

I've already watched videos of people burning to death, including the soldier who set himself on fire on DC. I know how fucking horrifying it is. I am not going into this blind or ignorant. I have the healthcare background to know the physiology of what will happen as well as the mental capacity to know the emotional implications of it. Sending me links of gore to try and shock me out of this isn't productive.

I am well aware of how shocking my method is, but no one can talk me out of it. I know what will happen. I know it will be the most pain a human can experience. I know the hell Im in for if I survive. I know how insane this sounds. But my mind is set on it.

Do you mind if I ask exactly what is the specific kind of Hell you experience that has led you down this path? tbh if I had what you had, friends, family, a dad who clearly cares a lot, a kitty cat, I probably wouldn't even need to ctb. All I want is to live a normal healthy annoying life. So I'm curious what you experience internally that makes that external stuff worthless.

 

[willitpass]

Do you mind if I ask exactly what is the specific kind of Hell you experience that has led you down this path? tbh if I had what you had, friends, family, a dad who clearly cares a lot, a kitty cat, I probably wouldn't even need to ctb. All I want is to live a normal healthy annoying life. So I'm curious what you experience internally that makes that external stuff worthless.

An externally good life is no barrier against relentless mental illness. It doesn't discriminate. I was abused horribly by my mother growing up, combined with genetic predisposition for depression, combined with years of trauma from the mental health system that was supposed to help me. My depression has done nothing but get worse and worse to the point that I despise myself. I loathe every aspect of myself. I am in mental agony every day. I have exhausted almost all treatment options. Having good things in your life doesn't spare you the depths of depression. Trust me, it isn't lost on me how good my life is. The guilt of still wanting to die despite how many amazing things I have to live for eats me alive every day. It's what kept me alive for years, but you can only stay alive for other people for so long.

 

[Nothing Left]

People that don't understand us love to have unrealistic expectations of us.

You can't force yourself to suddenly love life and faking "getting better" (whatever that even means) is going to make it worse.

Like on what planet would lording over you with a conservatorship or locking you away in a parasite-filled psyche ward be a benefit to you?

Do you go to school or have a job? If not, your best bet is to try to get out on your own to have some measure of freedom over your life (or death).

 

[SchrodingerIsDed]

An externally good life is no barrier against relentless mental illness. It doesn't discriminate. I was abused horribly by my mother growing up, combined with genetic predisposition for depression, combined with years of trauma from the mental health system that was supposed to help me. My depression has done nothing but get worse and worse to the point that I despise myself. I loathe every aspect of myself. I am in mental agony every day. I have exhausted almost all treatment options. Having good things in your life doesn't spare you the depths of depression. Trust me, it isn't lost on me how good my life is. The guilt of still wanting to die despite how many amazing things I have to live for eats me alive every day. It's what kept me alive for years, but you can only stay alive for other people for so long.

Fair enough. I haven't had to experience depression in a long time. No one has supported me for a long time. Only enemies who've tried to destroy me. So I developed fear instead of depression. I guess I forgot how it feels, so it's harder to understand now.

I have two options you may not have tried, if you're interested I can DM them to you. One is not easy to do, the other requires a bit of cash and legality is not certain. But they have both been highly effective for me in the past.

People that don't understand us love to have unrealistic expectations of us.

You can't force yourself to suddenly love life and faking "getting better" (whatever that even means) is going to make it worse.

Like on what planet would lording over you with a conservatorship or locking you away in a parasite-filled psyche ward be a benefit to you?

Do you go to school or have a job? If not, your best bet is to try to get out on your own to have some measure of freedom over your life (or death).

I don't have unrealistic expectations. I had MDD - Recurrent - Severe as a teenager. I have my own issues that are as bad or worse, rn; that's why I'm here.

I'm not judging. Just trying to understand.

Idk. But it's a hard problem for anyone to solve. Parents get scared and sad, too. And when they don't know what else to do, they do desperate things, just like us. They just don't want you to die. They want you to be safe and happy. The good ones. And it hurts them too when you're not.

You can't force yourself to love life, but you can force yourself to treat mind and body as good as you can. When I started working out and eating right, a lot of depression issues went away completely. Even just going for a walk and getting some sun can do wonders for mood.

 

[willitpass]

You can't force yourself to love life, but you can force yourself to treat mind and body as good as you can. When I started working out and eating right, a lot of depression issues went away completely. Even just going for a walk and getting some sun can do wonders for mood.

I understand your sentiment but I would be cautious of how you word this. I have been eating extremely healthy since in treatment, working out 3 times a week, going on walks outside daily. It works for some people but it's not as simple as eating right and working out for many people and this can come off as very dismissive.

 

[SchrodingerIsDed]

I understand your sentiment but I would be cautious of how you word this. I have been eating extremely healthy since in treatment, working out 3 times a week, going on walks outside daily. It works for some people but it's not as simple as eating right and working out for many people and this can come off as very dismissive.

I'm glad you've been physically healthy.

There was nothing wrong with my wording. And that portion of my comment was not addressed to you; it was addressed to 33-verebrae.

I would appreciate you not criticizing my word choices. It's a fact that exercise and nutrition can help assist mental health. Stating that is not dismissive in the least. Criticizing someone's word choice can come off extremely rude and antagonistic. I would appreciate you not doing that to me, and please read under the correct quotes. Thank you.

I am curious though. How are you on the internet at a Residential treatment facility? Much less a suicide forum?