Venting im jealous of my mentally declining ex

[favouriteworstolive]

i'm so fucking angry right now. i feel numb so much. everyday i feel such nothingness (aside from random bursts of anger, like now.) and i dont want to do anything and i want to kill my self but suicide isn't an option right now. i'm so angry. i'm so angry because basically my ex is doing bad mentally and sharing art of it to our mutual friends and offering to make comics of this character he made which is the personification of his mental state, which evidently, he's doing horrible. he hasn't explicitly said that, but it's obvious form where i'm standing. he makes so much vent animatics and art that's personal to him and so freely shares it with people.

he is allowed to do that obviously, he's a person with emotions. but when i see him do that—create shit so personal, freely share it with our friend group—it makes me angry. and more specifically, so envious.

i feel such bitterness that he can just. do that. i don't because if i did id feel attention seeking (here is different because its to a bunch of strangers and not people i see everyday) and anyway i'm not as emotional as he is so i wouldn't see a point in doing it bc there's nothing special about my self harm and baggage. i don't fucking feel most of the time, there's not much to be made about that let alone to share , even if it's shared as a metaphor. but anyway i just get irked and annoyed because of it.

i think i'm jealous of that because i have the numbness but i'm still so fucking normal that i don't feel valid at all, even my self harm which i do everyday doesn't feel valid at all. i want to get worse but i genuinely cannot because i have no fucking emotional ties to anything and nothing will make me feel anything. it's not fucking fair. and it's especially annoying because i am someone who doesn't act out, so even then, i'm afraid of stepping out of the space i'm in and fully rebelling as a way of "getting worse".

i know it seems selfish to want this—to want to be worse and want my mental health to decline—but being someone who constantly questions the validity of their mental issues and pains because they're constantly unfeeling, being in consistent sadness and sorrow genuinely sounds so amazing. it would make everything feel so fucking real. i'm so tired of being awake and existing in my own head and body because there's nothing to it but a constant monotonous life and emotional system.

i want to get worse and i don't know how. i just want to feel anger more, sadness more, guilt more. i just want to get worse, and i which me and him could swap just for a second to feel that way.

 

[ElfQueens]

Suffering isn't a competition, you can both be doing badly, and you can't directly compare who of you is truly doing worse. Also uhh, if you're not feeling things, that may be a response of your brain to uh, things actually being quite bad, but due to energy conservation and habituation and such, you can't constantly just experience sadness, eventually things just go numb. If your ex is showing evidence of doing badly at some points, I guess that implies he still has some good moments that he can contrast his suffering to. I hope both of you will get better, either way - Lira

 

[favouriteworstolive]

Suffering isn't a competition, you can both be doing badly, and you can't directly compare who of you is truly doing worse. Also uhh, if you're not feeling things, that may be a response of your brain to uh, things actually being quite bad, but due to energy conservation and habituation and such, you can't constantly just experience sadness, eventually things just go numb. If your ex is showing evidence of doing badly at some points, I guess that implies he still has some good moments that he can contrast his suffering to. I hope both of you will get better, either way - Lira

mmm that makes sense, yeah. it js sucks because even if not feeling indicates things are super bad, it doesn't feel real to my brain. thank you for your reply though, i appreciate it. <3