Venting I'm horrible/or maybe subconsciously honest

[Life_and_Death]

Dream/nightmare?

I was in a car and we came to a stop. I didn't have my seatbelt on and went through the window (I think this part is just a fear I have however I added it because it's important) I got up and went to get back in the car and my ex was on the cement island hitch hiking. I ran over and gave him a hug. "I'm sorry I treated you like shit. You didn't deserve it" that was all it was suppose to be. However then he and I ended up hanging out. I later went back home to my husband and let it slip that I had been hanging out with my ex. "I knew it!" he was furious. It started an argument where I ended up walking out and wanting a divorce. My ex was living right beside us apparently (not real info he's not even in this province anymore) so I ran into him again. Considering what had just happened I hung out with him again. My husband came chasing after us we some how got into a police chase. Idk... It gets messed but aside from going to get high with my ex and us going to see one of his friends before my husband chases us that basically sums it up.

I do feel like I treated him like shit. He didn't deserve that. And as far as the husband part... I know what I am.... Maybe a divorce is best???

Yay more self hatred and contemplation before the day even starts.


Add: even if I were to message him to say sorry he probably wouldn't want to hear it considering I cheated on him. Of course one of them was his friend, but how much of a friend could he have been to threaten to rape his friends gf. My ex doesn't know about that though. The last thing I said to my ex was basically fuck off and all he was doing was checking on me I guess.... I'm sorry A, even though you'll probably never read this.

 

[Bat 17]

What do you mean "I know what I am" ?

....Do you want to divorce your husband ?

 

[Life_and_Death]

What do you mean "I know what I am" ?

id rather not go into it.....im a lot of things and not all good

Do you want to divorce your husband ?

no i love my husband but theres just so many things that make me feel like i should that i cant disagree with

 

[Bat 17]

id rather not go into it.....im a lot of things and not all good

Well that's true of almost all of us but certainly not trying to pry

no i love my husband but theres just so many things that make me feel like i should that i cant disagree with

I suppose that could be mental disorder talking (you mentioned you had bpd) and making you feel this way, rather than real factors ?

It's good that you know you love your husband

 

[Life_and_Death]

I suppose that could be mental disorder talking (you mentioned you had bpd) and making you feel this way, rather than real factors ?

my husband annoys me, i love more then just him and each day i get to feel worse and worse because im sitting here watching him care about me and try to deal with my disorders while im just causing him more problems

 

[WornOutLife]

My drunk self is too honest and ruined a lot of friendships I used to have.
And scared some people too haha @BluesRunTheGame