I'm in a pretty bad situation. The place I live is a health hazard, my bank account is negative, and I'm pretty much out of food. I'm pretty much at the dead end now.
There were a lot of things I wanted to be and do. Even if I decided to live I would never have any of those things. I'm severely mentally ill, I have multiple physical health conditions, and I have absolutely no one who cares about me in this world. No family, no friends, no one I could call in my time of need. I thought I had some people, someone, at one point... but people lie. Apparently my mental health issues, physical health issues, and financial problems are because I don't go to church and worship Jesus. Apparently those things are all choices. The world economy is going to shit, and I was already pretty much screwed before that. I can't function to the degree survival requires anymore. I need help, and I have no one that cares. I refuse to give up my freedoms to be put in a mental ward and end up homeless anyway after being humiliated and belittled in a little white room. I've tried to get professional help before, and those attempts didn't go well. I have no money to afford help anymore.
I just can't take the bullshit of the world and everyday life. I'm so fucking tired of getting hungry, getting thirsty, getting tired, needing to use the restroom, having allergies, having headaches, FUCKING EVERYTHING. I'm so sick of it all. I'm so tired of it all. Even if my life wasn't a fucking disaster coming to an end I hate being alive so much I can't even properly express it with words.
I'm fucking horrified of dying though. I'm pretty sure it will be an instant success when I shoot myself in the head, I've done my research, but I'm still scared at the thought of it not being instant, or failing, and even if it does succeed... I don't believe in an afterlife. Not by choice, I just don't believe because I'm not convinced. I think there's nothing after you die. Not even nothing, your consciousness just stops existing. Finally the pain will end, but so will everything else. My ability to perceive pain, my ability to perceive pain ending, my ability to perceive relief... just nothing. This fucking scares me for some reason. I just want the pain to stop, but life is nothing but pain and suffering even with some good things sprinkled throughout. It's been making me hesitate. I haven't eaten much in several days. No real food. Just a couple sugary snacks and crackers. I've been so fucking tired. Most of my ribs are showing. I've been sleeping like 16 hours at a time.
I'm really fucked up. I'm really all alone. I'm really going to fucking die soon. I'm really fucking scared.
I don't want to live a life with any more suffering than I have now, and those are the only options I have left asides from dying. I have violent freak outs, I'm severely mentally unwell. I'm going to lose my rights and become homeless, and that's the only life I'll ever get. I'm a fucking germaphobe. I can't fucking handle thinking about that future. I have dietary restrictions/issues that drive me crazy and constantly cause me problems. Nobody is willing to offer or provide the help I need, I don't expect anyone to, and I don't even fucking deserve a fraction of what would I need. I'm a worthless piece of shit that deserves to die, I want to die and leave this fucking hell, but I'm fucking scared. I'm really fucking scared. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm pretty sure I'm going to do it tonight. It's weird, I've been eating so little but rarely feeling any hunger. Everything feels so surreal. I wrote a few notes to leave behind about a few different things. How I felt, what made me angry, other things. I want all the art I've ever made to be destroyed, but I still posted some anonymously online to an account that's never been used or viewed by others. I don't think my last wishes are going to be respected. I don't think a single thing I put in my note will be respected. The people that will most likely end up dealing with the aftermath, I have pretty much no faith they will respect me. They're the same ones from the first paragraph. I don't have the stomach to destroy my own things. I can't bring myself to do it. I hope my wishes are respected, and that all of the blood helps guarantee that.
I don't even know why I'm making a post like this. I guess posting in a place like this will probably yield less appalling responses than elsewhere I've made posts before. I've known of this website but never used it. If anyone shares the belief that there's nothing after death, like I believe, feel free to respond in some way about that. What do you think about it, how do you cope with it, etc. I'm probably going to hesitate for as long as I can.
There were a lot of things I wanted to be and do. Even if I decided to live I would never have any of those things. I'm severely mentally ill, I have multiple physical health conditions, and I have absolutely no one who cares about me in this world. No family, no friends, no one I could call in my time of need. I thought I had some people, someone, at one point... but people lie. Apparently my mental health issues, physical health issues, and financial problems are because I don't go to church and worship Jesus. Apparently those things are all choices. The world economy is going to shit, and I was already pretty much screwed before that. I can't function to the degree survival requires anymore. I need help, and I have no one that cares. I refuse to give up my freedoms to be put in a mental ward and end up homeless anyway after being humiliated and belittled in a little white room. I've tried to get professional help before, and those attempts didn't go well. I have no money to afford help anymore.
I just can't take the bullshit of the world and everyday life. I'm so fucking tired of getting hungry, getting thirsty, getting tired, needing to use the restroom, having allergies, having headaches, FUCKING EVERYTHING. I'm so sick of it all. I'm so tired of it all. Even if my life wasn't a fucking disaster coming to an end I hate being alive so much I can't even properly express it with words.
I'm fucking horrified of dying though. I'm pretty sure it will be an instant success when I shoot myself in the head, I've done my research, but I'm still scared at the thought of it not being instant, or failing, and even if it does succeed... I don't believe in an afterlife. Not by choice, I just don't believe because I'm not convinced. I think there's nothing after you die. Not even nothing, your consciousness just stops existing. Finally the pain will end, but so will everything else. My ability to perceive pain, my ability to perceive pain ending, my ability to perceive relief... just nothing. This fucking scares me for some reason. I just want the pain to stop, but life is nothing but pain and suffering even with some good things sprinkled throughout. It's been making me hesitate. I haven't eaten much in several days. No real food. Just a couple sugary snacks and crackers. I've been so fucking tired. Most of my ribs are showing. I've been sleeping like 16 hours at a time.
I'm really fucked up. I'm really all alone. I'm really going to fucking die soon. I'm really fucking scared.
I don't want to live a life with any more suffering than I have now, and those are the only options I have left asides from dying. I have violent freak outs, I'm severely mentally unwell. I'm going to lose my rights and become homeless, and that's the only life I'll ever get. I'm a fucking germaphobe. I can't fucking handle thinking about that future. I have dietary restrictions/issues that drive me crazy and constantly cause me problems. Nobody is willing to offer or provide the help I need, I don't expect anyone to, and I don't even fucking deserve a fraction of what would I need. I'm a worthless piece of shit that deserves to die, I want to die and leave this fucking hell, but I'm fucking scared. I'm really fucking scared. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm pretty sure I'm going to do it tonight. It's weird, I've been eating so little but rarely feeling any hunger. Everything feels so surreal. I wrote a few notes to leave behind about a few different things. How I felt, what made me angry, other things. I want all the art I've ever made to be destroyed, but I still posted some anonymously online to an account that's never been used or viewed by others. I don't think my last wishes are going to be respected. I don't think a single thing I put in my note will be respected. The people that will most likely end up dealing with the aftermath, I have pretty much no faith they will respect me. They're the same ones from the first paragraph. I don't have the stomach to destroy my own things. I can't bring myself to do it. I hope my wishes are respected, and that all of the blood helps guarantee that.
I don't even know why I'm making a post like this. I guess posting in a place like this will probably yield less appalling responses than elsewhere I've made posts before. I've known of this website but never used it. If anyone shares the belief that there's nothing after death, like I believe, feel free to respond in some way about that. What do you think about it, how do you cope with it, etc. I'm probably going to hesitate for as long as I can.
