Honestly it feels pretty good, not giving a shit. I've been so poor for so long, with no hope of that ever changing. I've always had a problem with impulsive spending (thanks bipolar), but it's never felt *good*. There was always guilt and doubt marring my enjoyment. Now I just don't care. I can't take it with me. I'm not spending all of my money because really there's not that much stuff I can think of to buy that is worth it for only a few days. Mostly food and media. Whatever's left I'll leave to my friend.
I bought so much nice soda, full sugar not diet, and it feels good knowing I never will run out or need to buy any more. I'm eating my favorite foods, as much as I want. I'm trying to find all the shows and movies I wanted to see and just buying or renting or paying for whatever subscription service they're on. I can't focus very well, so it's hard to make it through them, but I'm not feeling bad about just moving on to the next thing if something doesn't hold my attention well. I'm not forcing myself for no good reason.
The only thing is a really wish I could share this with my friends and have them accept this. I hate that if they knew they would react badly and be upset. I hate that I can't really share this with anyone. I want to have a lovely last few days with my friends, but life right now means I can't even see them, even though if they knew I was going to be gone they would probably want to see me. It would be so nice to get some hugs and be told "we get it, and we respect your choice, and we love you."
But at least it means I don't have to see anyone sad. I do wish I could do this without hurting anyone. But it took me my entire life to get to a point where I could do things for myself and not just for other people. I finally realized that I'm the only one who will be my advocate, truly. And while selfishness has been the worst sin to me most of my life, making me collapse into self hatred when I found it in myself, I've come to value acting in one's own self interest.
I feel more at peace than I have possibly ever before. This time I know what I'm doing. I did my research and I won't fail. Just a few more days.
I bought so much nice soda, full sugar not diet, and it feels good knowing I never will run out or need to buy any more. I'm eating my favorite foods, as much as I want. I'm trying to find all the shows and movies I wanted to see and just buying or renting or paying for whatever subscription service they're on. I can't focus very well, so it's hard to make it through them, but I'm not feeling bad about just moving on to the next thing if something doesn't hold my attention well. I'm not forcing myself for no good reason.
The only thing is a really wish I could share this with my friends and have them accept this. I hate that if they knew they would react badly and be upset. I hate that I can't really share this with anyone. I want to have a lovely last few days with my friends, but life right now means I can't even see them, even though if they knew I was going to be gone they would probably want to see me. It would be so nice to get some hugs and be told "we get it, and we respect your choice, and we love you."
But at least it means I don't have to see anyone sad. I do wish I could do this without hurting anyone. But it took me my entire life to get to a point where I could do things for myself and not just for other people. I finally realized that I'm the only one who will be my advocate, truly. And while selfishness has been the worst sin to me most of my life, making me collapse into self hatred when I found it in myself, I've come to value acting in one's own self interest.
I feel more at peace than I have possibly ever before. This time I know what I'm doing. I did my research and I won't fail. Just a few more days.
