Venting I’m functioning for now

[nihilism44]

I am a functionally depressed person. I go to work, school, and I spend time with my s/o as much as I can. Nobody knows that I am constantly thinking about dying. Everything takes so much effort and I'm running out of energy. I don't even know how I am getting out of bed in the morning. It's getting so bad now that I'm beginning to self-sabotage (calling out of work often, recklessly spending, failing classes, cutting off all of my close friends and family) I guess with hopes that if it gets bad enough I will have the guts to go through with dying. Even with all of these drastic personality changes nobody has truly asked if I'm okay. I know I should reach out for help and try to better myself before I do anything.. but I don't think I want help. Nothing brings me joy anymore. I just want to go peacefully without anyone trying to intervene. The only thing keeping me here is that I'm worried about the few people that will be left devastated. They might even go with me shortly after and I can't handle the thought of that.

 

[Zinz]

I'm sorry it's going this way for you. I wish I could find the right words that would help. But I will say that you should do your best even if you don't see yourself going far, because while we're still here that's all we can really do- right? I understand self-sabotaging and it can be really hard to stop- but while we're still here we should do everything we can to at least try. I'm a hypocrite to tell you anything at all but it doesn't mean what I said is wrong. I hope you've calmed down and feel a bit better <3.

 

[WornOutLife]

Same here!
My family thinks I'm not suicidal anymore and my students would never imagine that I'm a bipolar depressed guy because I look "great" and "positive" in their eyes. I guess I just want to do my job properly because I really love my profession.

 

[FuneralCry]

I know how you feel, It is hard having to hide emotions and feel like you are forced to live life. It really is an awful feeling when you want to leave this world and yet it requires courage and has consequences on those left behind. I hope you find some relief from those thoughts and I wish you the best.