Help I’m extremely angry! Am I the asshole?

[Jumpingisnotacrime]

Hi guys! I'm 21F. I have no one else to talk too :/ I've been struggling with mental health for really long now. My boyfriend of two years, decided to break up with me because he just didn't care and cared more about his work. When he broke up with me, he asked two of my friends to check up on me. But turns out that they don't care and they got fed up with me constantly wanting to talk to them and now I don't have anyone or no friends. I was also diagnosed with BPD. I don't have a job and not in school. It's boring, but I love being home. Anyways I've been very suicidal lately and considering of doing it. It's just not right that my ex friends and ex bf don't care. So l've decided, and if they don't care that I will make them feel guilty for what they have done. I wanna rest. And maybe this will teach them a lesson that their words do hurt! One of the friends told me that killing yourself extremely selfish but if I die from natural causes or an illness, then that's when it's OK. Idk but I feel like the reason why suicide will just always be a thing is people simply need to realize that it's not always about them.
Hopefully me doing this will make them realize to actually set time aside for other people in their lives because you never know what people are going through. I don't really know exactly how I'll be doing this, but it just makes me extremely angry! Am I selfish for doing this? Am I selfish for wanting to show these horrible people what they've done! I posted this on Reddit and I did not like the responses that I got they said that I should keep living and just forget about them… they made the comparison of someone who is ill and lives with chronic illness, but that's such a horrible way to live life at that point why would you want to live? Anyways, I need some tips on how I can get my point across to them. I don't want to shoot and I've heard OD can be not that successful and I also am afraid of vomiting. Any advice? Thankssss

 

[Greyhawk]

Suicide is definitely not selfish and you have every right to be angry. But assholes never change their behavior no matter what consequences their actions have. Tons of kids commit suicide every year due to being bullied and nothing really changes. Schools are still filled with teachers who don't give a fuck and kids who are just sadistic. Every time someone kills themselves, people pretend to be sad for a day or two, they will talk about suicide awareness etc. and then forget about it.

And yes, OD is generally considered a non-method because it has a pretty low chance of actually killing you and might cause permanent damage (depends what you use).

 

[Abandoned Phantom]

Suicide as a way to get back at these people doesn't seem like the best way to get back at them, in my opinion. At the very least, you would never get to see if it actually hurt them. Seems a bit extreme as a form of revenge, and if they actually don't care, then they won't hurt very much. They won't learn their lesson, so to speak. I'm so sorry you had "Friends" like these. You are definitely entitled to the anger you feel!
I hate that people call suicide a selfish act. Practically everything people do is in some way selfish.

 

[IncrediblePal]

I don't really think that'll really teach them any lesson. Sure they may feel bad/guilty for a week or two but at the end they will just forget about you and move on. So if you want to commit suicide for the sole reason of 'teaching them a lesson', it is a bad idea.

 

[KlixxFoxe]

I don't have a job and not in school.

I understand your feelings, but you don't fully realise how lucky you are. Having a job (or at least average job without high salary) is a huge disadvantage if it's not necessary for your survival

Idk but I feel like the reason why suicide will just always be a thing is people simply need to realize that it's not always about them.

That never worked and will never work. People will never change, especially the death of a person then don't care of. This is a really bad reason to commit suicide

 

[happy1234]

to exact a more satisfying and excruciating revenge would require for you to continue living. just kidding.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm not meaning to criticize you here. We can't really help what we need. I got to a point in life where I realised I was too needy. Especially towards a best friend and, she was beginning to have other priorities in her life. It would be nice if we were all there for each other. If we could rely on people to stay the same throughout our relationships with them.

Ultimately though- all our lives are constantly changing. Our needs and the pressures put on us are changing. Sometimes, we have so much shit going on for ourselves, that we can't be the friend we maybe promised to be to someone. It's unpleasant and upsetting but, I'm not sure that it's exactly unfair.

I was deeply upset when it dawned on me I could no longer rely on my friend. I made the decision to try to be more independent at that point. I suppose between that and a bunch of subsequent things, I came to the conclusion that friendships can't really be relied upon fully. Only enjoyed for as long as they last.

As for whether they've done anything wrong. I don't know really. Were you there for them a lot? That can definitely hurt- when we make the time to be there for others but they don't return the favour. Ultimately though- asides from our parents- who at least, should be committed to us and I guess marriage- you make serious promises then. Do we owe each other things?

It would be nice if people did things simply because they cared of course. It's certainly a way to express care. But, people will for instance- claim they love animals, despise cruelty and yet, continue to eat them. I think there are levels of care ultimately. People can care emotionally but maybe not enough to change their life to accomodate. It becomes especially difficult if we are struggling ourselves but, also having to 'carry' friends. It's sad but, not everyone can cope with it.

I don't know your friends obviously or, your ex. I don't know how much they have or haven't done. They may well feel guilty if you did suicide. Alternatively- they may simply say to themselves that they did what they could but, no one could/ should be expected to do more. I suspect the other thing is- having a mental illness diagnosis makes it easy to simply blame it on that.

Obviously though, not knowing the situation- I don't know. Maybe you are expecting a reasonable amount and, just being let down. Regardless though, I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

[monetpompo]

But assholes never change their behavior no matter what consequences their actions have. Tons of kids commit suicide every year due to being bullied and nothing really changes. Schools are still filled with teachers who don't give a fuck and kids who are just sadistic. Every time someone kills themselves, people pretend to be sad for a day or two, they will talk about suicide awareness etc. and then forget about it.

Suicide as a way to get back at these people doesn't seem like the best way to get back at them, in my opinion. At the very least, you would never get to see if it actually hurt them. Seems a bit extreme as a form of revenge, and if they actually don't care, then they won't hurt very much. They won't learn their lesson, so to speak.

I don't really think that'll really teach them any lesson.

mirroring what the other comments are saying, i think that you have to commit suicide for yourself instead of for others. you stop existing in the living world once you're dead, so you'll never be able to see people's reactions to your death if it was an act of revenge. although the way your ex boyfriend and your ex friends treated you is terrible and you deserve to feel upset about it, they'll still have no real reason to change their opinion of you, since you aren't alive to change your mind. i don't see your death as selfish, but you shouldn't do it so that people realize they mistreated you. when i was in a crisis state, i wanted to kill myself because of how often i was fighting with my mom, and i wanted to feel despair and anger towards me for having no control over my death. but these days i want to die because i just don't want to live anymore, even if i still hate my mom. i think that you should take some time to think about this.

 

[Leonard_Bangley39]

i think the best way to get revenge would be to ctb in front of them, or somewhere they can watch.

 

[Jumpingisnotacrime]

i think the best way to get revenge would be to ctb in front of them, or somewhere they can watch.

Fax but how am I gonna send a video when I'm dead? I'm not gonna live stream it because I don't want my video ending up in gore website because those people quite literally just make fun of victims which is horrible and I can't do it in front of them because they all live in different states because of their job.

 

[Leonard_Bangley39]

Fax but how am I gonna send a video when I'm dead? I'm not gonna live stream it because I don't want my video ending up in gore website because those people quite literally just make fun of victims which is horrible and I can't do it in front of them because they all live in different states because of their job.

you could FaceTime them, or if they all have discord you could do it in a vc

 

[Jumpingisnotacrime]

I understand your feelings, but you don't fully realise how lucky you are. Having a job (or at least average job without high salary) is a huge disadvantage if it's not necessary for your survival

That never worked and will never work. People will never change, especially the death of a person then don't care of. This is a really bad reason to commit suicide

Well, to be fair I'm already suicidal. But what they did just added on to all of it

you could FaceTime them, or if they all have discord you could do it in a vc

Those mfs blocked me god if there was an only way it can like auto send or some shit