Venting I'm exhausted and hsve no energy or strength left

[VolatilePotato]

I'm just...tired. I have so much I've tried to do and just couldnt escape the past. It is exhausting living with a heavy conscience that grows heavier still with even most recent actions. I should be restricting myself better, but because I don't feel connected to this world and am so exhausted physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, I justify it. "I'll be gone soon I hope, so why not try or say things I need to?". I'm not here anymore. Im slipping away into the shame and the messes I've made. I let this diagnosis (BPD) consume me and become me and the effects I've had on others because I couldn't control myself or my emotions are vast, abusive and downright unforgivable. I think I've tried to convince myself I'm not horrible for years, when I am. And now I have, and I'm devastated. I proverbially drained my own blood and energy like a vampire. And I just...i don't want to do it anymore. There is no hope. There is no love or positivity any longer. I'm out of spoons, I'm out of tethering energy. And I'm ok with that. I've said it before. No one will believe me until it becomes truth. And it's not for me. None of this was. When I CTB sometime soon, i will be at peace knowing people won't have to worry anymore. That I wont be out here hurting others. A permanent solution to a PERMANENT problem. And that's ok. We all aren't meant to live. And I'm one of those.

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I am so sorry for your pain.

 

[Black kettle]

I can relate- perhaps for different reasons but often ruminate over things I've said or done and cringe in disbelief or disgust
Yet I can't change what I've done or said
If I spent my whole life wondering why I'm here- that's seems like a cue that things are right and I should probably purchase the ticket before shot goes anymore sideways

 

[jitendrabagaria786@]

I'm just...tired. I have so much I've tried to do and just couldnt escape the past. It is exhausting living with a heavy conscience that grows heavier still with even most recent actions. I should be restricting myself better, but because I don't feel connected to this world and am so exhausted physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, I justify it. "I'll be gone soon I hope, so why not try or say things I need to?". I'm not here anymore. Im slipping away into the shame and the messes I've made. I let this diagnosis (BPD) consume me and become me and the effects I've had on others because I couldn't control myself or my emotions are vast, abusive and downright unforgivable. I think I've tried to convince myself I'm not horrible for years, when I am. And now I have, and I'm devastated. I proverbially drained my own blood and energy like a vampire. And I just...i don't want to do it anymore. There is no hope. There is no love or positivity any longer. I'm out of spoons, I'm out of tethering energy. And I'm ok with that. I've said it before. No one will believe me until it becomes truth. And it's not for me. None of this was. When I CTB sometime soon, i will be at peace knowing people won't have to worry anymore. That I wont be out here hurting others. A permanent solution to a PERMANENT problem. And that's ok. We all aren't meant to live. And I'm one of those.

Same condition here

 

[FuneralCry]

This is an old thread. From what I have read the OP is gone now. Rest in peace. At least they are now free from their unbearable suffering.