Venting i’m done with taking care of myself

[annoyed]

i don't see the point of doing anything for myself because self-care for me is to the point of feeling performative and not genuine. i've hurt myself so many times and don't clean properly, i don't express boundaries, it's hard to brush my teeth, clean my apartment. haven't got my haircut in almost a year. i could keep going on but this isn't an original experience so you probably get it. i'm honestly just living day by day and abusing my dopamine receptors, but the weird part is that it honestly feels good for my life to be driven into the ground like it's fate for me. it's helping with coming to terms of death and i don't feel scared anymore to die at my own hands, so these thoughts are motivating me to start saving for my escape plan again.

 

[stardewwindceres]

I relate to this so much.

 

[purpp37]

Brushing my teeth for the first time in a week and having a shower after a few days and using shampoo felt exhausting. I just need to shave next and I've been holding off on that for weeks, I don't have the motivation to do anything except blast my brain into oblivion and drink and pop pills until I pass out hoping this time it'll kill me but I never do

 

[woodlandcreature]

I haven't brushed my teeth in like a year (heavy smoker as well). I take showers like biweekly? I don't have the capacity to really keep track anymore. I try to wipe myself down so I don't smell like ass, but even that is exhausting. My hair is long and completely matted. I live surrounded by filth. I'm going to be dead soon, so why does it matter? I can be as disgusting as I want no one cares. No one notices (if they do like I said, they don't give a shit). Actively self-sabotaging always.
I agree, it does feel good in a way. Like I can breathe for the first time in a long time knowing I won't have to be in this world for much longer. I don't have to try so hard anymore. I tried so hard for my whole life, and now I can start to rest. Hopefully soon, I will be eternally at peace.