I’m ctb within the next week.

[shootingsweetrolls]

College student here. My SN will arrive very soon. I plan to get a nice hotel room, enjoy the environment, then take some SN and go to sleep forever. I'll keep posting updates.

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

 

[Chockles]

I hope you find the peace you are looking for. II too plan to ctb in next couple weeks with N.

 

[Ednospatient]

My SN has an estimated delivery date of november 16th, and I'll use it within 6 months.

 

[shootingsweetrolls]

I've been stood up and ghosted so many times, the pain is excruciating. It's happened at least a couple hundred times. And because I'm gay, I really can only meet guys online. I'm just so depressed and lost and lonely. Just earlier on today I got ready only for the guy to cancel last minute. The same thing happened yesterday and the day before and the day before. It's almost a daily occurrence now. I'm just left really numb.

While all of my peers are in or have already been in long-term relationships, I feel like I'm just so behind. I hate college. All anyone does is drink and party and smoke weed. I'm just going to end things.

 

[down for the count]

I've been stood up and ghosted so many times, the pain is excruciating. It's happened at least a couple hundred times. And because I'm gay, I really can only meet guys online. I'm just so depressed and lost and lonely. Just earlier on today I got ready only for the guy to cancel last minute. The same thing happened yesterday and the day before and the day before. It's almost a daily occurrence now. I'm just left really numb.

While all of my peers are in or have already been in long-term relationships, I feel like I'm just so behind. I hate college. All anyone does is drink and party and smoke weed. I'm just going to end things.

Do you live in a dorm? You might want to find out if there is a substance free floor available.

 

[shootingsweetrolls]

Do you live in a dorm? You might want to find out if there is a substance free floor available.

I actually don't live in a dorm. I live off-campus. I guess what I'm getting at here is that all any of my peers do for fun after class or on the weekends is drink, smoke weed, and party. I'm not into any of that stuff, so it's just very isolating. I feel so lost. It's like high school, but even worse.

 

[My_name_is_Luka]

I've been stood up and ghosted so many times, the pain is excruciating. It's happened at least a couple hundred times. And because I'm gay, I really can only meet guys online. I'm just so depressed and lost and lonely. Just earlier on today I got ready only for the guy to cancel last minute. The same thing happened yesterday and the day before and the day before. It's almost a daily occurrence now. I'm just left really numb.

While all of my peers are in or have already been in long-term relationships, I feel like I'm just so behind. I hate college. All anyone does is drink and party and smoke weed. I'm just going to end things.

you shouldn't care about the incoherent behaviors of gay men. Most of them are like that and not because of you. You don't even know the reason why they behave like that and sometimes when you understand it, you realize that it was so stupid to feel depressed because of some shitheads.
you probably live in the wrong place for being gay, but you are also too young for it. It takes a lot of maturity to deal with them.
The healthiest way is to meet other men in associations that are dedicated to gays (sport associations, cultural associations, etc..). You're less vulnerable and less exposed to many dangers.

 

[MeltedJello]

I'm sorry you have to experience this pain. I do hope you find the peace you're looking for with whatever you decide to do. And thank you for sharing your thoughts here :)

 

[shootingsweetrolls]

It sucks because if I had money, or if I came from wealth, I could move to a totally different part of the US and start over at a new job or a new school. I'm literally just so stuck. My parents call me a burden every single day, and I am. I'm over 18 and just hate life.

 

[Akerblad]

College student here. My SN will arrive very soon. I plan to get a nice hotel room, enjoy the environment, then take some SN and go to sleep forever. I'll keep posting updates.

good luck dude

 

[shootingsweetrolls]

I have a criminal record (petty crime) that I'm on probation for. I did it because I didn't care about myself and to feel something. Recently, I was sitting outside on a nice warm day in the early afternoon. I live in a nice, middle-class suburb. All of a sudden, a police van stopped in front of me and two cops came out and asked, "Do you live around here?" I was just so confused and annoyed that I walked away without answering. I've lived in my town for well over a decade, I grew up here, and this has never happened.

Just recently I committed another petty crime. The way the cops handled me was disgusting. I'm just really lost and don't care anymore. No one asked, "Why?" No one ever says or does anything until it's too late. And that's a big reason why I'm ctb. Life isn't at all how I'd hoped it'd be. I thought I'd be dorming at a nice college somewhere, studying, having fun on the weekends with friends and a nice boyfriend. I wish I was never born.

 

[TriggerHappy]

Hiya :: just know (even though I'm ages older than u r) I know where you're coming from :: like mine; yr issues with crime & isolation are a tricky mix to make sense of...
Taking responsibility without hating the powers that be is not easy. Nor is being gay and in jail /reformatory - you break the law you are expected to pay.. irrespective of preference..
& having a criminal past in queer circles, I may as well as have had leprosy! Their illusion of perfection is exhausting, and fake.
I used my body/strength /sexuality to my advantage. It ruined relationships for me.
I struggle with addictive behavior, sport helps keep me fit and feeling like somethings worthwhile... 90% of us are in awful difficult situations (beyond our control) that suck.
(are you ok with what you've done - 12 step recovery groups help with isolation & shame) they usually have a gay meeting and don't judge, nomatter what you've done.
there will always be sum1 with a darker story than yours, you will find support - use it, don't fall in love with it tho!
Expectations will always leave you dissapointed and empty.. they're as dangerous as men in tight jeans.
im hanging out on a suicide forum so I'm never gonna tell you to take my advice, or tell you you're right or wrong - but maybe I can just share my point of view :: do it cos sumthing inside u wants to, more than because you're in a shite situation. Everything changes... know that.
No one will be more critical of yourself than you will :: it serves no purpose.
Try. Be kind to yourself...
☆ You are not alone.

 

[down for the count]

College student here.

You might have thought about this already but since you are in college you might be eligible for free counseling.

 

[shootingsweetrolls]

My SN arrived. I'm simultaneously over the moon and terrified at the prospect of ceasing to exist.

 

[NyanPotato]

My SN arrived. I'm simultaneously over the moon and terrified at the prospect of ceasing to exist.

are u from the UK? just wondering what country u are from so I can find out where to buy SN

 

[Someone123]

My SN arrived. I'm simultaneously over the moon and terrified at the prospect of ceasing to exist.

I don't believe that ceasing to exist will happen, I believe that you will be in another place- you may want to review videos on ndes- near death experiences. Of course everyone has their own beliefs, which I respect.

 

[shootingsweetrolls]

Update: I've decided to wait to ctb. I actually shoplifted from a store, was caught, and then arrested. The good news is that I recently got a large sum of money so I'll just travel a bit and shop like there's no tomorrow (wink wink). Also, I enrolled in my next college semester. I feel like my life is in such a shambles because I never thought I'd make it past 18 tbh. And now that I have, I'm freaked out at the prospect of being forced to do something with my life. I think I'll be gone by the beginning of next year.

I'm really hoping to find a partner to leave with.

 

[Eddypaddy]

Im from germany. I would take the SN with you

 

[shootingsweetrolls]

I'm still alive, but I very much want to die. I need a partner though for comfort. My life is a literal cesspool.

 

[shootingsweetrolls]

Update: I just had another guy ghost me/stand me up today. I ate some ice cream, but my deep sadness is still here. I can barely bring myself to write properly anymore. I'm back in college now, online, but I'm honestly hating every second of it.

 

[BeautifulMosaics]

My SN arrived. I'm simultaneously over the moon and terrified at the prospect of ceasing to exist.

I know exactly how you feel. I felt this for the first time today also. I just ordered the last med I need. It's very real now.

In regards to guys ghosting you. Have you tried a website like OK cupid? You can write more details in your bio so people are more invested in eachother and less likely to stand eachother up (if that's what you're looking for).

 

[shootingsweetrolls]

I was stood up again today. I also recently found out SN isn't as good as I thought; it's not totally painless and doesn't leave you looking asleep. So I've been looking for other painless methods.

 

[Eddypaddy]

I was stood up again today. I also recently found out SN isn't as good as I thought; it's not totally painless and doesn't leave you looking asleep. So I've been looking for other painless methods.

N is the only other option. Every other option has a risk of braindamage.

 

[blueclover_.]

I was stood up again today. I also recently found out SN isn't as good as I thought; it's not totally painless and doesn't leave you looking asleep. So I've been looking for other painless methods.

Yeah you'd be blue-blooded, literally.

 

[shootingsweetrolls]

I have the opportunity to get housing, I'm in college, and I have a well-paying side job. But I just question what the point of all this hustle is if we're all going to die anyway. But I also know I'd literally kill my parents by ctb. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm only living for the sake of others. I've also been trying to get some N.