MrBlue
Arcanist
- Jul 1, 2020
- 416
I'm completely trapped into my miserable life and I have no idea how to keep going or finally end it. I still don't have any relaible methods to ctb properly yet, and the uncertainity of it is causing me to think about killing myself almost constantly. It's like I'm caught in a wave getting dragged along whether I want to or not. Especially since I started work in Feb, I'm constantly reminded just how much of a subhuman I am and the distance between me and actual people. I will never be able to relate or be accepted by anyone, especially my peers. I'll never have friends or be loved, and I'm tired of having to 'live' like this. despite only working a normal work schedule besides the occasional weekend, I feel completely unable to catch a breath from it or my suicidal thoughts.
Recently my workplace all went to the pub to celebrate them opening again. Company policy means they had to ask me, and the visible utter relief they had when I declined (because I didn't want to ruin the night for everyone) stung like a bitch despite being completely expected. It's also entirely justified. I'm consistently fucking up my job and irritating more and more people as the weeks go on. The only reason I didn't jump out the lab window today was because I was worried it wasn't quite high enough to effectively kill me, and I didn't want to cause trouble for people having to clean me up. It is right next to a morgue though which would be convienent lol.
I'm constantly tired and empty and I don't know how much longer my usual copes of excessively daydreaming and then (very ashamedly) masterbating to try to get a hint of dopamine and at least some sleep will work. I'm worried I'm gonna end up attempting to ctb compulsively or slowly dissociate more and more until what little slick of shit I call my personality is hollowed out and I become a walking vegetable.
Recently my workplace all went to the pub to celebrate them opening again. Company policy means they had to ask me, and the visible utter relief they had when I declined (because I didn't want to ruin the night for everyone) stung like a bitch despite being completely expected. It's also entirely justified. I'm consistently fucking up my job and irritating more and more people as the weeks go on. The only reason I didn't jump out the lab window today was because I was worried it wasn't quite high enough to effectively kill me, and I didn't want to cause trouble for people having to clean me up. It is right next to a morgue though which would be convienent lol.
I'm constantly tired and empty and I don't know how much longer my usual copes of excessively daydreaming and then (very ashamedly) masterbating to try to get a hint of dopamine and at least some sleep will work. I'm worried I'm gonna end up attempting to ctb compulsively or slowly dissociate more and more until what little slick of shit I call my personality is hollowed out and I become a walking vegetable.
