Venting I'm always tired, even too tired to ctb...

[tuto170]

I suffer from schizophrenia ant take a lot of medication, I tend to sleep for sometimes 17 hours. I also am working part-time and it leaves me even more exhausted. I have chosen to ctb by train and closest railway road is 2km away. I often try to walk there and often turn back after 1km to go back home to lay in bed or sleep. I dont do much of socializing, i just chainsmoke a lot and maybe play game of league. I am afraid that after my mom dies I will become homeless or just be put in a care home. I feel useless being that lazy and drowsy all the time. Before the illness I was one of the best employees in few companies, great bodybuilder and always energetic. The life I am having is pathetic, I just barely exist, I got fat, Haven't touched a girl in years and I got hospitalized 5 times in one year. SO basically I lived 5 months this year like in a prison. I am afraid of hospitals and I hate them, because everything is done by the clock - you cant go outside, limited smoke breaks, awful food, medication is given by handfuls, everyone is asking for spare cigarettes or food, no private time. I also tend to lose any friends I make due to my illness - psychosis. I become so delusional that i weird them out or scare them, I also become really paranoid that I want to run away and hide or some cases call upon my mom police and tell lies to get her arrested. SO anyway I am tired constantly, I am so pissed off that it stops me from suicide. If I wasnt so lazy and tired I would have done it by now. Sometimes I think about paying a hobo 100 EUR just to chop my head off in some forest.

 

[RC90]

I'm also to lazy to do anything. Just to leave the house I have to push myself. Even take a shower has become a burden. I don't smoke but I'm constantly vaping till I fall asleep. Don't be so hard on yourself. I also worked for a major company and lost it all. My bank account has zero money on it. If it wasn't for my parents I would prob be dead now.

 

[Dead beat dad]

Brother I feel this. Chronic tiredness has utterly blighted my life and contributes significantly to my desire to ctb.
I'm not sure I have an answer to your conundrum friend, but from one Internet stranger to another I sincerely hope you can find some light and peace and should you need to vent your spleen, we're here for you.

Love and respect brother.
DBD