I'm already not existing

[hopelessgirl]

I'm so close to doing it. I feel like i'm already no one. I dont exist. I dont do anything. I just stare at the wall and sleep. Ive been suicidal since 2016. I feel like it's getting close. I dont feel like i deserve to live in this state of non existence. My psychiatrist says i have to create meaning myself. But i dont feel like i have the strength to turn this ship around. It's been going towards death for so many years.

 

[Amarnd]

You are existing, this is existence, not the best experience

 

[FishRain3469]

Same for me. I've really been trying to take everything 1 day at a time, 1 step at a time... but it's becoming increasingly harder and harder as the days go by.

I feel like I am no longer living or surviving, Just merely existing. Thoughts and prayers to you Always, in whatever may happen.

 

[Hollowman]

Creating meaning for some of us is impossible.

 

[curiouscvnt]

I say as a disclaimer: If you have your own definition or interpretation of what that actually entails / means for you, and you go for it and work with it, more power to ya.

But i dont feel like i have the strength to turn this ship around. It's been going towards death for so many years.

What do you feel you might have strength for?

i cringe inwardly at the suggestion to 'create meaning.' In fact i've got something of a litmus test for therapists or kindof any other person i might talk to about suicide: if they are unwilling or unable to acknowledge that the notion of 'meaning' or 'purpose in life' is super vague and abstract and unverifiable and essentially none of us know anything about it really, then talking with them most likely will not give either of us connection or understanding. The process of understanding and connecting with another person starts only with sharing something -- meeting on shared ground, in this case in the context of emotional / metnal perspective. Discerning when someone is unwilling to share or concede has saved me some time and energy.

As for myself, fuck 'creating meaning'-- sounds wishy-washy and i feel much more intentional thinking about and feeling in the present, which i suppose might be part of some 'creating meaning,' only that there is no point (at least not absolutely-- if i ask 'Why?' enough times successively, i'll always end up at a total unknown). Once while running i asked my friend "What's the point?" partly rhetorically and without missing a beat, he answered: "there is no point" and he is one of the most driven, compassionate, non-judgmental people i have had the pleasure of knowing. Nihilism need not be devoid of feeling or of the recognition of experience.