Venting I'm a total mess

[rip_van_winkle]

Why doesn't anything get better?

Everyone keeps ignoring me, like I never mattered to them. I wish I was stronger, nonchalant and aloof. I feel lower than a dog because I'm a slave to my feelings. Back then at least I believed true love existed, now I'm appalled by the idea of sex itself, totally incapable of love. I hate myself and everyone around me. I'm just too jaded to have a normal, functioning life. I have to emotionally withdraw, keep secrets, keep lying or hurting people in order to coexist. I feel like a total sham. I question my abilities, capacities... even my transition. Don't have a place that I can call home because of it. Who am I anymore?

I'm lonely, loveless, spineless. I don't even fear death, never held living so high. I hate this suffocating feeling. I hate being neurodivergent. I hate having anxiety. I wish I got SN when I had the damn chance. Now I can't and I regret it.

Titlecard, yeah. Total mess :P Apologize to anyone who had to read this garbled mumbling.

 

[iw2begone]

The more I learn about people the more I find out no one has any clue about anything. Really.

 

[rip_van_winkle]

The more I learn about people the more I find out no one has any clue about anything. Really.

Yeah it's all just big cope and cognitive dissonance

 

[projeccao]

Titlecard, yeah. Total mess :P Apologize to anyone who had to read this garbled mumbling.

First of all, you don't have to apologize for speaking your mind out, here in this place. That's what it's made for and your welcome.

I thank you for sharing a bit of your story.

Everyone keeps ignoring me, like I never mattered to them. I wish I was stronger, nonchalant and aloof.

Maybe you should consider the importance of the people that you talk to. You didn't give a lot a details, is it people from work? Are those people « friends » to you ? What people are talking about ?

Back then at least I believed true love existed, now I'm appalled by the idea of sex itself, totally incapable of love.

I feel you. This is number one bullshit. Back in the days I was such a lover and a loving person, and now when I meet girls, date, it's all about sex. Like it's the ultime goal wtf ?
I don't get it BUT I think we've been programmed. Like MK Ultra but a more powerful version of MK ultra. The one that comes within the food and the TV you know ?

What ever. The more I post on this forum, the more people will think I'm the ultimate conspiracy lmao

I'm just too jaded to have a normal, functioning life. I have to emotionally withdraw, keep secrets, keep lying or hurting people in order to coexist. I feel like a total sham. I question my abilities, capacities... even my transition. Don't have a place that I can call home because of it. Who am I anymore?

You should tell us more so we understand.

Basically what I understand is that you don't fit into society.
And you should be proud about it. That makes you more intelligent than the majority of people.

The question is HOW TO FIT IN IT.

Think about it. You sound young. Maybe I'm wrong.

I hate having anxiety. I wish I got SN when I had the damn chance. Now I can't and I regret it.

About the anxiety, the first thing you gotta is to make yourself confident. Easy to say. And easy to do. Yes. I'm not shitting you. Make things that you like and even more the one that you don't like. You'll build up confidence.
And those things are easier achieved while having some kind of « I don't give a fuck » MEDICINE. So first talk about to your doctor and see how it goes. If your 21+ why not try weed.
And foremost, believe in yourself.

Much love and take care of youself. I mean it.

 

[rip_van_winkle]

Maybe you should consider the importance of the people that you talk to. You didn't give a lot a details, is it people from work? Are those people « friends » to you ? What people are talking about ?

"friends" and "family" mostly. I only matter when I'm useful at that moment. That's it. As for my family, we're only "good" when I am whatever they want me to be. No love like family love, truly.

You should tell us more so we understand.

Basically what I understand is that you don't fit into society.
And you should be proud about it. That makes you more intelligent than the majority of people.

The question is HOW TO FIT IN IT.

Think about it. You sound young. Maybe I'm wrong.

Nay, don't think I'll ever fit tbh. It's either I put on a façade and larp non stop or I live life solo, questionably proud but meek and maybe pathetic from the inside.

About the anxiety, the first thing you gotta is to make yourself confident. Easy to say. And easy to do. Yes. I'm not shitting you. Make things that you like and even more the one that you don't like. You'll build up confidence.
And those things are easier achieved while having some kind of « I don't give a fuck » MEDICINE. So first talk about to your doctor and see how it goes. If your 21+ why not try weed.
And foremost, believe in yourself.

Only thing that quenches it is drugs and I have an unbelievably low tolerance so it's easy for me to go over the top. Tried ctb with alcohol but failed miserably, predictably.

 

[projeccao]

Only thing that quenches it is drugs and I have an unbelievably low tolerance so it's easy for me to go over the top. Tried ctb with alcohol but failed miserably, predictably.

, post: 3564760, member: 125493"]
friends" and "family" mostly. I only matter when I'm useful at that moment. That's it. As for my family, we're only "good" when I am whatever they want me to be. No love like family love, truly.
[/QUOTE]

friends" and "family" mostly. I only matter when I'm useful at that moment. That's it. As for my family, we're only "good" when I am whatever they want me to be. No love like family love, truly.

That's wassup. Basics motherfuxkers.

I've got the same kind of human in my life.

Make sure you go far away from them. If you can.
If not.. I don't know. Do you what you gotta do.

Nay, don't think I'll ever fit tbh. It's either I put on a façade and larp non stop or I live life solo, questionably proud but meek and maybe pathetic from the inside.

Bro I understand. Do what you have to. Fuck society.
Be proud of yourself since you ve come this far.

 

[rip_van_winkle]

Bro I understand. Do what you have to. Fuck society.
Be proud of yourself since you ve come this far.

I feel anything but proud...