(English is not my native language. I might sound unclear.)
I did a potentially legal mistake at work. I struggle with OCD and the thoughts have been relentlessly invasive and gone as far as they could possibly go. Before that happened I wasn't doing well either. It's all been going on for about one month already. I'm bipolar and got OCD like mentioned before, currently unmedicated, and that was the final straw.
Yesterday I spiraled. Handwrote the suicide letter I had typed on my phone and my account passwords, cut off half of my hair, took benzos with alcohol, woke up loopy, made a thread about lithium because it was all I had that could possibly cause actual harm, others advised me to not do it as it's a shit method. Thank you for warning me.
Before I came in here I was intending on taking it. Got my dog out my room, locked the door and windows, and started the research (my thread, pubmed articles) intending on consuming the pills. My brother started knocking on the door. I didn't know he was home. He was telling me to open it, this went on for about half an hour, I kept telling him no. My dog got agitated and started scratching the door to get in and that got me to open it because I felt bad for her. My dog is 15 years old. Very attached to me. I felt like I couldn't let her be so confused. I open it, my brother gets in, confiscates all the medication I had spread on my bed as I was accessing my options. Mother comes home about an hour later.
Basically. A lot of "where did I go wrong" and "what would others say if my daughter died by suicide" and "you are making me sick too", "you're selfish" "do you see what you have done?" etc. I told them straight up I don't want to live anymore. I don't even want help anymore. They threatened to call emergency services and I told them that if they did that I'd run away and never come back (cheap threat). This drama went on for a long time.
I self harmed at night and fell asleep. It's morning now. Key to my door got taken. Meds too. Phone almost. Haven't talked to online friends in about a week and getting dms of concern. I can't reply. I feel so bad. Not even a single word. Facing them is too scary. I can't do anything. I haven't eaten a meal or taken a shower in four days. I just want to die. I really really really want to die. I'm a terrible person to everyone and it's just getting worse. If it continues like this there won't even be anything good to remember me by. I don't want help anymore, I just want to go. Every method seems so scary. Meds, yall said it, what I have won't work. The least scary to me is jumping but there's no building tall enough for it. I tested hanging, it was too scary. Everything is too scary. I hate myself for being terrible to everyone and not even being able to finish it, prolonging things and causing distress. It's father's day today, mom said "this is the gift you give him," in an ironic manner. I'm a terrible daughter, sister and friend. And I don't want help anymore. I don't want anything anymore. I just want to die after a clean goodbye.
I did a potentially legal mistake at work. I struggle with OCD and the thoughts have been relentlessly invasive and gone as far as they could possibly go. Before that happened I wasn't doing well either. It's all been going on for about one month already. I'm bipolar and got OCD like mentioned before, currently unmedicated, and that was the final straw.
Yesterday I spiraled. Handwrote the suicide letter I had typed on my phone and my account passwords, cut off half of my hair, took benzos with alcohol, woke up loopy, made a thread about lithium because it was all I had that could possibly cause actual harm, others advised me to not do it as it's a shit method. Thank you for warning me.
Before I came in here I was intending on taking it. Got my dog out my room, locked the door and windows, and started the research (my thread, pubmed articles) intending on consuming the pills. My brother started knocking on the door. I didn't know he was home. He was telling me to open it, this went on for about half an hour, I kept telling him no. My dog got agitated and started scratching the door to get in and that got me to open it because I felt bad for her. My dog is 15 years old. Very attached to me. I felt like I couldn't let her be so confused. I open it, my brother gets in, confiscates all the medication I had spread on my bed as I was accessing my options. Mother comes home about an hour later.
Basically. A lot of "where did I go wrong" and "what would others say if my daughter died by suicide" and "you are making me sick too", "you're selfish" "do you see what you have done?" etc. I told them straight up I don't want to live anymore. I don't even want help anymore. They threatened to call emergency services and I told them that if they did that I'd run away and never come back (cheap threat). This drama went on for a long time.
I self harmed at night and fell asleep. It's morning now. Key to my door got taken. Meds too. Phone almost. Haven't talked to online friends in about a week and getting dms of concern. I can't reply. I feel so bad. Not even a single word. Facing them is too scary. I can't do anything. I haven't eaten a meal or taken a shower in four days. I just want to die. I really really really want to die. I'm a terrible person to everyone and it's just getting worse. If it continues like this there won't even be anything good to remember me by. I don't want help anymore, I just want to go. Every method seems so scary. Meds, yall said it, what I have won't work. The least scary to me is jumping but there's no building tall enough for it. I tested hanging, it was too scary. Everything is too scary. I hate myself for being terrible to everyone and not even being able to finish it, prolonging things and causing distress. It's father's day today, mom said "this is the gift you give him," in an ironic manner. I'm a terrible daughter, sister and friend. And I don't want help anymore. I don't want anything anymore. I just want to die after a clean goodbye.
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