Venting I’m a terrible person. & that’s the hill I’ll die on.

[Acopia]

I hate myself. I hate my brain. I'm not a good enough person. I have a love-hate relationship with my Autism but lately it's largely hate.
I get such intrusive thoughts in my head that tell me I'm going to do bad things to the people I love and the thoughts won't go away. They just get louder & louder until I can't ignore them - and I know they're all bullshit but they just won't stop. It's like hell living inside my head.
So I cut or I starve or I OD just to punish myself but what else can i do(?)
I have so many people around me but I really don't deserve them.
Suicide is literally the only way out of living like this. I'm too ashamed to tell people how I feel. MH services have consistently failed me. All the meds I take don't help.
What option do I have?
There's only one.

 

[orange]

We have a dude here who tried to kill his ex-wife and was getting support in the comments.

Idk what you've done, but it can't be that bad in comparison!

 

[whywere]

This is the first time that I have said this here: I have 24/7 chronic pain and with that aspect comes constant ctb thoughts. The strength of those thoughts run concurrently with the level of pain that I have at that current time.

With that said, it has always been a constant battle with ctb thoughts, sometimes very mild and other times the thoughts are all consuming in nature. It has been this way since April 2015 when I was in a very nasty car crash. I take Celexa and it somewhat helps.

With those aspects said, I send you huge hugs, because you are a very worthwhile soul and this site and all the very kind, caring and lovely souls here have helped me so very much.

We are all in this together, and I have at least somewhat of an idea of your situation, at least with the pervasive thoughts go, as I battle thoughts of ctb each and every day and I too have hell living in my head with the darn constant ctb thoughts.

You are a very valuable friend to me, as we are all one here.

Lots of sunny blue skies and caring and kindness to you, as you are a part of a family to me that I never had till this site came along.

Walter

 

[FuneralCry]

I am sorry for all the suffering you are going through, our own thoughts can torture us and I can imagine that it must be very awful dealing with so much self hatred. I understand that this life can be unbearable when everything seems hopeless. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[Acopia]

We have a dude here who tried to kill his ex-wife and was getting support in the comments.

Idk what you've done, but it can't be that bad in comparison!

Haha thanks Orange fortunately I have no intentions to kill my partner Yep, it could be worse!
Peace,
-A

This is the first time that I have said this here: I have 24/7 chronic pain and with that aspect comes constant ctb thoughts. The strength of those thoughts run concurrently with the level of pain that I have at that current time.

With that said, it has always been a constant battle with ctb thoughts, sometimes very mild and other times the thoughts are all consuming in nature. It has been this way since April 2015 when I was in a very nasty car crash. I take Celexa and it somewhat helps.

With those aspects said, I send you huge hugs, because you are a very worthwhile soul and this site and all the very kind, caring and lovely souls here have helped me so very much.

We are all in this together, and I have at least somewhat of an idea of your situation, at least with the pervasive thoughts go, as I battle thoughts of ctb each and every day and I too have hell living in my head with the darn constant ctb thoughts.

You are a very valuable friend to me, as we are all one here.

Lots of sunny blue skies and caring and kindness to you, as you are a part of a family to me that I never had till this site came along.

Walter

Thank you for your kind words, they mean a lot.
I pray for hope and healing for you, friend. -A.-

 

[Un-]

I think I can relate. It's weird because I haven't seen anyone else feel this way before. I usually feel heavily alienated, no matter where I go. I constantly have thoughts of homicide, and I think about torturing and killing the people that I like the most. It scares me at times because I know that one day I'll really do something horrible - I've already done something horrible in the past, and my apathy towards it just frightens me more. I'm uneducated in this, but I think I'm developing something schizophrenic, because I constantly have auditory hallucinations and I never feel safe alone. I struggle controlling myself when I'm alone, and things like my emotions, or suicidality take full control of me - I don't know how to describe it, because I don't understand it myself. Depression and anxiety make the entire matter even worse. I understand what you mean - that you feel the need to punish yourself. I cut and starve myself for that same reason. My entire body is fucked up now.. petite, and covered in scars.
In a sense, I'm glad that no one likes me, and that I don't have any connections - I'd just ruin everything.
I don't deserve anything.
I'm sorry for rambling on.. focusing on myself on your thread. If suicide is the last thing you're considering, I don't blame you. This isn't living, what we're doing.

 

[downndone2]

I did some terrible shit in 2019, I certainly feel your thoughts. I go to bed every night not wanting to wake up. Havent been able to find the courage to ctb