parabellum_
it never gets better
- Apr 25, 2026
- 4
There is nothing for me to live for in life. It's miserable and shitty. One second I feel decent and then suddenly I'm so miserable again. It's so exhausting. Everyone definitely hates me and it's my fault for being so unlikeable. I hate everyone in my life, I hate my family the most. I hate how inconsiderate they are, I hate how they make fun of me, I hate how they act like they care but they don't, I hate how they view me as so inferior, I hate how nobody cares. But at the same time, I would rather have it so nobody cares about me. I'm immature and avoidant of everyone. This is all my fault. I'm just suffering the consequences of being born like this. I can't find a reason why I should keep going. I want to ctb so badly. I have been fantasizing about ctb everyday since I fell into this pit a long time ago. The thoughts never disturb me but it is SO distracting and I can't seem to focus on anything when it's always on my mind. I would have done it a long time ago if it wasn't for having no effective methods to do it. I would hang myself but there are literally no places to do it where nobody will find me for at least 5 hours. I hate my life so much. I just can't stop thinking about dying. I have been having dreams about doing it and waking up from that is just so painful. I try my best to act like I'm really fine but it's so draining. I'm so tired of this all. Tired of pretending and hiding the scars. I don't want any help either. It just needs to end asap. Life is just a cruel joke. It's a nightmare to be alive. I can't do this. I just wasn't cut out to be alive in this world. I wish I wasn't born like this. I genuinely don't care about what would be affected by my death. I don't care about my family or my friends. I wouldn't be alive to care about it all anyways and I just don't care about anybody enough to feel bad about dying. If anything, the only person I would feel bad about doing this is myself because it really could have been better. I'm sorry to myself for being so incompetent and pathetic. It kinda baffles me how people want you to stay alive because they are going to be upset about you being gone. Life was never beautiful. Life is the only medium we were able to experience this world in and we are all pretending that it's wonderful when it really isn't. It would be cruel to keep me alive in my misery.
