Help I'm a mother. How could I do this?

[felloffmydinosaur]

This is my first post. I have been drinking, which is uncommon for me. So I hope I make sense. I started self harming in 3rd grade. I feel like I fell out of the womb depressed. Fast forward, I'm in my 30's, I have 3 children. With my husband for 18 years this year. My last just turned 3. My PPD was horrendous. He was born at 25 weeks and almost died several times, then my BIL died 6 days after his birth, then my oldest friend since preschool from suicide 2 days later. *my brain fucking broke*

My life is not that bad. My son is a medical baby, we have 30 appointments a month sometimes. It's crazy. But he's doing much better in most ways, but I'm the only one really that knows how to work his G tube and doctors and what not.

But, I want to die. So bad. I survived a hanging attempt that no one knew about. I fell out of the U shaped cord and was collapsed and disoriented for a while. I wish I didn't make it. I want to buy a gun that won't obliterate anything except my brain but I don't know which one to get.

I feel so selfish. Like, how can I still be so suicidal despite having kids? I'm medicated, even on lithium, and have weekly therapy. But I'm so fucked up. I hate myself. What kind of mother breastfeeds while looking at pictures of shotgun heads to try to talk herself out of it. (I had just been shooting one and pointed it at my face just to see if I could reach.) We were camping and my husband really hurt me right after that. So when I breastfed, all I could think was I wish I had really done it. But it was my nephews gun and he was right by me and I had custody of him and couldn't traumatize him like that. All I can do is overthink how I will logistically fuck up everyone's lives when I die, but I also feel like they're better off.

What the hell do I do from here? I'm so tired. I don't want to continue. I'm desperate.

 

[celestialstarzz]

I don't understand at all what this situation must be like for you, but I hope you feel pride with how well you've taken care of your kids. Being a mother is rough (i know, my mom and I joke about the handful of a teenager i was). I don't want to try and change your mind or anything, but I think if you decide to go, you can leave knowing everything will be handled in some way. I know there are many people who talk about ctb in a hotel or place where they can control who is and isn't going to see them after. Whatever you choose, I just want you to know that the fact that you raised and are currently raising 3 kids is fucking hard, and i can guarantee you're doing an amazing job, even with your struggles. I'm not too sure if this all makes sense, I'm high right now so sorry

 

[felloffmydinosaur]

I don't understand at all what this situation must be like for you, but I hope you feel pride with how well you've taken care of your kids. Being a mother is rough (i know, my mom and I joke about the handful of a teenager i was). I don't want to try and change your mind or anything, but I think if you decide to go, you can leave knowing everything will be handled in some way. I know there are many people who talk about ctb in a hotel or place where they can control who is and isn't going to see them after. Whatever you choose, I just want you to know that the fact that you raised and are currently raising 3 kids is fucking hard, and i can guarantee you're doing an amazing job, even with your struggles. I'm not too sure if this all makes sense, I'm high right now so sorry

Honestly, high people are sometimes the best people to talk to about this stuff. People tell me I'm doing great with my kids. Doctors, therapists, teachers... but I still feel like an utter failure. My husband has an addictive personality and has only been clean since September on drugs and January and one relapse in March from alcohol. I don't trust that he'll stay clean which is probably one of my biggest hurdles. I have been staying alive for other people so long but I sometimes wonder if that will has run out. Thank you so much for responding

 

[ObsidianEnigma]

You have an immensely tough life. Taking care of kids is difficult, and taking care of kids with medical conditions is unbelievably more so.
The situations you have faced could have broken anybody.

You don't need to blame yourself for wanting to get out. Many people in your situation would feel the same, but you don't hear their stories because society discourages talking about it for some reason.

I don't think you are weak or selfish. Selfish might be the people who leave their kids behind for a brief romance or who spend all their money on their own pleasure instead of providing a better education, healthcare, or start in life for them.

But not you. You are already spending all your time with your kids; you are giving them everything you possibly can, to the breaking point.

(I think your therapist provides you with more nuanced advice, but you would likely be told to be more 'selfish'. The usual advice is something like: ask for help with the kids (from your parents, husband, or a babysitter) so you can clear your head sometimes.)

Just know that what you feel is felt by many people; it is an expected human reaction to suffering.

 

[TBONTB]

Sending love for your tough, tough situation and praise for everything you are doing for your kids. You matter to them. You matter.

Glad you have meds and therapy. If there is anyway to get more mental health support, you deserve it.

Take care of yourself.

 

[claracatchingthebus]

YYo

This is my first post. I have been drinking, which is uncommon for me. So I hope I make sense. I started self harming in 3rd grade. I feel like I fell out of the womb depressed. Fast forward, I'm in my 30's, I have 3 children. With my husband for 18 years this year. My last just turned 3. My PPD was horrendous. He was born at 25 weeks and almost died several times, then my BIL died 6 days after his birth, then my oldest friend since preschool from suicide 2 days later. *my brain fucking broke*

My life is not that bad. My son is a medical baby, we have 30 appointments a month sometimes. It's crazy. But he's doing much better in most ways, but I'm the only one really that knows how to work his G tube and doctors and what not.

But, I want to die. So bad. I survived a hanging attempt that no one knew about. I fell out of the U shaped cord and was collapsed and disoriented for a while. I wish I didn't make it. I want to buy a gun that won't obliterate anything except my brain but I don't know which one to get.

I feel so selfish. Like, how can I still be so suicidal despite having kids? I'm medicated, even on lithium, and have weekly therapy. But I'm so fucked up. I hate myself. What kind of mother breastfeeds while looking at pictures of shotgun heads to try to talk herself out of it. (I had just been shooting one and pointed it at my face just to see if I could reach.) We were camping and my husband really hurt me right after that. So when I breastfed, all I could think was I wish I had really done it. But it was my nephews gun and he was right by me and I had custody of him and couldn't traumatize him like that. All I can do is overthink how I will logistically fuck up everyone's lives when I die, but I also feel like they're better off.

What the hell do I do from here? I'm so tired. I don't want to continue. I'm desperate.

"We were camping and my husband really hurt me right after that." Your husband hurt you after?

 

[felloffmydinosaur]

YYo

"We were camping and my husband really hurt me right after that." Your husband hurt you after?

He does not know about the gun thing. He just knows me and my nephew went shooting. So he wasn't mad or anything. But right after I went shooting, I was in the travel trailer and obviously not in the mood to have sex. But he didn't give me the choice and was very rough about it and caused a lot of pain to me and I was crying. After that I had to go put my son to bed and all I could think was "god I should have just done it, what even is my life?" over and over again. This was while I was looking at the gory photos of suicide. I regretted not just shooting myself, even though it wasn't planned.

Sending love for your tough, tough situation and praise for everything you are doing for your kids. You matter to them. You matter.

Glad you have meds and therapy. If there is anyway to get more mental health support, you deserve it.

Take care of yourself.

Thank you. I've been doing everything they've been saying would help. TMS, Ketamine, all the therapy suggestions like mindfulness and grounding. It feels like nothing is working and I'm always in a roller coaster that has a lot more downs than ups. I want to give it my best shot, my kids deserve that. But I'm just so tired

 

[Seaghost]

But he didn't give me the choice and was very rough about it and caused a lot of pain to me and I was crying.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry fuckin sorry :/!!!

 

[felloffmydinosaur]

(I think your therapist provides you with more nuanced advice, but you would likely be told to be more 'selfish'. The usual advice is something like: ask for help with the kids (from your parents, husband, or a babysitter) so you can clear your head sometimes.)

Yes, I'm always told to ask for help. My mom watches my son for an hour a week while I go to therapy. That's about it for help. I am able to take a shower sometimes though . My husband works and I stay at home. That's how he helps mostly is with money. I would like a break, but it's not a big deal really that I don't get one. When I'm by myself, my mind gets scary. I don't trust myself when I don't have the distractions.

When I was by myself, that's when I'd do the self harming. I've been trying to avoid that. My therapist asked about it and then told my doctor to look at it if I would let her and I eventually did and she sent me to the hospital. I got 6 internal stitches and 19 staples. It was not a fun experience and I don't want to cut if that's what's going to happen. But without it, my suicidal thoughts are out of control when I'm alone.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry fuckin sorry :/!!!

Thank you. In hindsight, it's not really a big deal but at the time I was just sick of it and everything else. My mind made it a bigger deal than it was

 

[claracatchingthebus]

Rape abuse and incest network chat counselors:

Terms of Service - Online Hotline

Rape counselors are there to chat

Just be aware they can probably figure out who you are based on IP address, so don't mention suicide unless you want forced hospitalization or use Tor Browser

The Tor Project | Privacy & Freedom Online

Defend yourself against tracking and surveillance. Circumvent censorship.

www.torproject.org

 

[felloffmydinosaur]

Rape abuse and incest network chat counselors:

Terms of Service - Online Hotline

Rape counselors are there to chat

Just be aware they can probably figure out who you are based on IP address, so don't mention suicide unless you want forced hospitalization or use Tor Browser

The Tor Project | Privacy & Freedom Online

Defend yourself against tracking and surveillance. Circumvent censorship.

www.torproject.org

I'm not sure what I would need them for, but thank you for the information. Also thanks for the private browser

 

[claracatchingthebus]

I'm not sure what I would need them for, but thank you for the information. Also thanks for the private browser

You said your husband didn't give you the choice to have sex. That's rape. It's marital rape, but still rape.

It could help to chat with a counselor about.your feelings. They are people who are trained to help.

If you chatted with them via Tor Browser your privacy should be protected.

 

[felloffmydinosaur]

You said your husband didn't give you the choice to have sex. That's rape. It's marital rape, but still rape.

It could help to chat with a counselor about.your feelings. They are people who are trained to help.

If you chatted with them via Tor Browser your privacy should be protected.

Ouch. No one has ever called it that. It's pretty normal for my life, I have never had autonomy really, not since I was 12. So it's whatever, for the most part I'm used to it. Sometimes it's upsetting if it's particularly painful though.
I have a therapist that I see once a week, and I've told him about it. He doesn't seem to really say much about it though. I basically ask him to try to help me not be triggered as bad. But my brain still overreacts because we haven't really worked on it yet.

I will look into using Tor, thank you.

 

[celestialstarzz]

Honestly, high people are sometimes the best people to talk to about this stuff. People tell me I'm doing great with my kids. Doctors, therapists, teachers... but I still feel like an utter failure. My husband has an addictive personality and has only been clean since September on drugs and January and one relapse in March from alcohol. I don't trust that he'll stay clean which is probably one of my biggest hurdles. I have been staying alive for other people so long but I sometimes wonder if that will has run out. Thank you so much for responding

Of course ! It sounds like you've gone through a lot. I hope whatever decisions you decide to make is whatever makes you happiest

 

[felloffmydinosaur]

Of course ! It sounds like you've gone through a lot. I hope whatever decisions you decide to make is whatever makes you happiest

Thank you. It's so rough when everyone is so anti-suicide that I'm just the asshole. No one cares what would make me happy. I know my kids happiness is the most important thing, but I also am not sure that I'm the mom that would make them happy.

 

[celestialstarzz]

Thank you. It's so rough when everyone is so anti-suicide that I'm just the asshole. No one cares what would make me happy. I know my kids happiness is the most important thing, but I also am not sure that I'm the mom that would make them happy.

I get it. My dad found out I was suicidal and just threatened to kill himself instead. I'm sure you're doing amazing, even if you have kids who were absolutely crazy for 3 years of their life (i know, I was that kid to my mom, she's truly amazing to be able to handle 13-16 y/o me)