Venting I'm a hypocrite.

[catscradle]

I'm 25 and have wanted to and tried to ctb for most of my life. My girlfriend is 30 and has wanted to and tried to ctb for a long time- hell our first date was initially postponed because she had to go to inpatient. and I'm a fucking hypocrite because I don't want her ctb. I can justify it to myself all I want- *it's just temporary for her, she's so smart and valuable and people love her*- but I know its the same shit people say to me and I know that's all false. and I'm vocally pro-choice, which to me includes the choice of death. but I can't shake the urge to keep her around.

i can't be the only one who's dealt with this. how do you reconcile the urge to die with the want for someone else to stay alive?

 

[Deleted member 17949]

tbh, I'm exactly the same. I hate seeing people here want to kill themselves, especially when I have become friends with them, because they seem like nice people and I want them to stay around. I push these thoughts aside though. I will respect whatever decisions people make and won't interfere.

 

[harkovv]

I feel the same! My best friend is very suicidal and Im supporting her, I don't really want her to leave.
Maybe that's very selfish but she doesn't know that Im going to ctb very soon, but im here now, giving her my attention 24/7 and support.. I can't stand this thought that she will be gone when I am still here..

 

[BridgeJumper]

FUCKING SAME
When my best friend of 8 years who I shared my every worry with, who was there with me when I jumped, ctb'ed my world got crushed. I was so devastated I needed to be hospitalized because I stopped eating and sleeping, further attempted suicide 8 times in one day, slipped into complete psychosis, basically went insane from heartache and stayed in a mental ward for almost 4 months.
I know its bullshit. I cant stand being alive. But I want so badly to could have kept him alive, or prevented him from going through with it, even though its against my views.... It just hurts so much, even now as I type this. At least once a week I mention to somebody that he killed himself and I cant get over it

 

[catscradle]

FUCKING SAME
When my best friend of 8 years who I shared my every worry with, who was there with me when I jumped, ctb'ed my world got crushed. I was so devastated I needed to be hospitalized because I stopped eating and sleeping, further attempted suicide 8 times in one day, slipped into complete psychosis, basically went insane from heartache and stayed in a mental ward for almost 4 months.
I know its bullshit. I cant stand being alive. But I want so badly to could have kept him alive, or prevented him from going through with it, even though its against my views.... It just hurts so much, even now as I type this. At least once a week I mention to somebody that he killed himself and I cant get over it

I'm sorry about your friend. I worry about this happening to her or one of my other friend.

 

[ebt88]

I'm curious have you ever talked about both wanting to ctb? Might be easier to do it together