Venting I'm a huge fuck up

[vrotka]

I have ruined so many opportunities in my life. I'm extremely depressed, horribly inpet socially so I'm guessing autistic and I don't see future for myself. I have hit a very low point this month and now I'm only waiting to gather all things I need to CTB, I should be all ready to go within 1-2 weeks time I think.
Yet the horrible guilt about leaving behind my parents and friends is making me hold back a lot. And it came suddenly out of nowhere, because so far I was managing to silence this guilt. My mum wasn't the best, but I still feel so fucking horrible for considering suicide. I can't cope anymore with the constant noise in my brain telling me I'm worthless.

I'm so lost, I just want to go and embrace the void. I don't want to be alive because there is nothing for me.

 

[DeadButDreaming]

How old are you?

 

[vrotka]

How old are you?

23

 

[DeadButDreaming]

I don't want to be one of those do-gooders, but there is still hope at your age if you play your cards right.

 

[WornOutLife]

It's normal to have lots of doubts and sadness because of leaving those who love you behind.

Just don't do anything impulsively if you're not 100% sure to go for it. You're still young. My life became decent at 25.

Wish you the best and hope you can get some peace somehow.

 

[Superdeterminist]

I don't want to be one of those do-gooders, but there is still hope at your age if you play your cards right.

What's the cut-off age when hope is lost?

 

[UseItOrLoseIt]

I don't want to be one of those do-gooders, but there is still hope at your age if you play your cards right.

My life became decent at 25.

On that note. At 22 I wanted to ctb. At 23 I got married. Just sayin'. For once, life has surprised me in a good way. Didn't last for very long. Played my cards just awfully. But I got some good memories. Not to be one of the do-gooders but: it actually happened.

 

[DeadButDreaming]

What's the cut-off age when hope is lost?

That depends on multiple factors and differs from person to person. I'm turning 40 in a couple of months. For some reason I see the oldest bearable age for me being 47, the same age Tony Soprano was when he died.

 

[vrotka]

Almost 24 hours later I think I arrive at the conclusion that it's not my time. Yet. It's rough, I still feel lost, but it's not enough to let go.

Thanks for the support everyone.