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I wish I could get cancer, I know it's painful, but I just can't kill myself.
I'm assuming you've backed out of an attempt. I've done the same a few times recently, and have felt exactly what you're feeling now. I have one of the more peaceful methods too, but SI can be a bitch.
I haven't tried yet, I'm saving up money to order N, but every day I'm tormented by doubts, I'm more and more doubtful about everything, I'm not sure I can even order it, let alone have a drink
May I ask why you wish to CTB, and what doubts you're having?
I feel the same way. I have N but I wonder why I bought it in the first place. It felt i was sure that I wanted to exit but now I have more and more doubts everyday. I dont know to tell you to buy it or not but it is good to have it as a backup
To be honest, I feel better than yesterday, doubts don't stink me so much anymore, I'm glad that you have N, maybe you'll reach the point of despair and end everything, in any case I wish you peace
I have a very religious family and they do not know how to help me, all they offer me is to pray, in March of this year I realized that I could not adapt to society and all my plans for life collapsed since then I have an anxiety disorder and a depressive state.
I have these fears too. I know I come across on the group that no matter what I'll get the liquid down as I'm bed ridden in extreme physical torture almost 24/7 now for 9 months yet I know I'm risk averse, scared of failing, don't cope with certain tastes & smells due to my mild autism as it is. But I hope I can find a way out of this misery & ivhope you find a more peaceful exit soon too.
I feel the same way somedays. I usually think about my next attempt, and I get scared thinking that I might not actually go through with it due to fear/survival instinct. I wish it was much easier to ctb, but it really is difficult, & many of us struggle with finding the courage. Don't beat yourself up too much & I hope you can find the peace you're looking for :)
