Venting if my family/parents didnt exist i would CTB in a heartbeat.

[smirks00ts]

My last attempt was in june. I was about to jump off the fifth story of my college building at an exit stairs that no one goes to. I ended up stopping bevause I kept imagining things.

Of course, people who were my friends and cut me off because of personal reasons I dont want to talk about would probably be happy and cheer about it, after all I am not a good person.

However I kept going back to my family especially my dad. He loves me so much, he tells me that every day. and even though I have been numb and empty and feeling nothing since may-april.

I really dont want him to get upset. I remember when my grandpa died, his father he cried so much even in the funeral. I felt nothing at the time. But I was sad of course.

Doesn't help that at some point, my brother found my suicide note and i panicked and deleted it. He yelled and cried at me, wanting me not to do it, and also that I was going to hell if I did it no matter what. ( I'm Muslim...thats also another reason why im afraid of CTB )

I really wish my family didn't exist. I want to die because its my only choice. I dont want to hurt my family or my parents. Its hard.

 

[tonicer]

That's the same reason i am waiting for my parents to die first. Both are very old and not very healthy. I can't cause them pain, they were always good to me. I will somehow power through these last 10 or 15 years. I made it to 43 already so i can wait, i hope.

Oh yeah BTW hell is only for murderers and rapists besides those two terrible inexcusable sins god loves you no matter what you do and knows why you commit suicide. I'm Christian BTW and truly believe that god doesn't hate you for suicide.

 

[smirks00ts]

That's the same reason i am waiting for my parents to die first. Both are very old and not very healthy. I can't cause them pain, they were always good to me. I will somehow power through these last 10 or 15 years. I made it to 43 already so i can wait, i hope.

Oh yeah BTW hell is only for murderers and rapists besides those two terrible inexcusable sins god loves you no matter what you do and knows why you commit suicide. I'm Christian BTW and truly believe that god doesn't hate you for suicide.

I couldn't sleep and went to shower because mom asked me to. but I appreciate your kind words.

Maybe ill do it if I ever move out too. I dont know. its 1am and i still feel awful. I apologize.