Venting If I die I'll at least succeed at one thing in life

[Spicy Tteokbokki]

At least when I go out I'll be able to celebrate finally doing one thing right.
Just suddenly comparing myself again, feeling mega suicidal, because istg most of my friends are successful. Not just normal and living life, but like amazing at art, entrepreneurship, music, careers, super smart in general and whatever the fuck else and then there's me, well fuck.
Even if they're unfortunate in life as me they still succeed in darker ways somehow.
Then there's me, I survived a lifetime of abuse? Woo I guess. T_T

Maybe I should just stop learning multiple things at once and only focus on one thing again like I did in the past.
Trying to be good at 5 things at the same time, when even individually they take years and years to get good at is stupid anyway, at least in our current society where you might as well off yourself if you aren't top 0.1% in whatever the fuck you're doing. /rant

 

[DivineSpark]

I compare myself to my former friends.....they are living successful lives...career, family, children....meanwhile I am mentally ill loser.

 

[Spicy Tteokbokki]

I compare myself to my former friends.....they are living successful lives...career, family, children....meanwhile I am mentally ill loser.

Yep, pretty much.. It's as if life is some cruel joke where I get matched with all these bright shining stars and then there's me.
Now if that rubbed off on me, sure, whatever, but it never did really.. Or at best they'd copy all the good things I did and then propel themselves 10000% forward and fly away and starting being healthy, go to school, get that work and whatever, fuck.

 

[leloyon]

I compare myself to my former friends.....they are living successful lives...career, family, children....meanwhile I am mentally ill loser.

Same. I'm only young and yet all my old friends are in college, they have friends, relationships, hobbies that they engage in. It just feels like I fell behind everyone else and I can't get up, can't catch up...

 

[Spicy Tteokbokki]

Same. I'm only young and yet all my old friends are in college, they have friends, relationships, hobbies that they engage in. It just feels like I fell behind everyone else and I can't get up, can't catch up...

Exactly. I keep trying but what's the point. I'll never catch up to them, ever. That ship has sailed long ago.

 

[Hotsackage]

I compare myself to my former friends.....they are living successful lives...career, family, children....meanwhile I am mentally ill loser.

O I am to

 

[derekWest]

let's try to fuck up all this comparisons ! happyness is so personal !
we are in a competitive and normative world that describe success as a only possible way
i think it can be pertain to be egocentric : what can you do YOU to be happy (and don't be affected by these so normative and sterile ONE way to success)

 

[abcdefghijk]

Comparing yourself to other people is really draining and I totally understand how you feel. It really is the thief of joy. I know that saying "oh but nobody is perfect, stop comparing yourself!" does not help at all, I've been there. But please try to focus on yourself instead, do things that you like or enjoy. It might help take your mind off of thoughts like that, even if for a little while! And I admire you for your story. It really isn't easy to endure that.

 

[Spicy Tteokbokki]

let's try to fuck up all this comparisons ! happyness is so personal !
we are in a competitive and normative world that describe success as a only possible way
i think it can be pertain to be egocentric : what can you do YOU to be happy (and don't be affected by these so normative and sterile ONE way to success)

It's hard because if you don't succeed in the way society tells you to, you're fucked.
I've done many good things in life for a lot of people. Maybe in old tribe-days that'd be celebrated and I'd feel happy about myself, but in this society?
Might as well be fucking worthless.
Got people to work, go to school, save some from pain and stopped their suicide by finding better alternatives? Rescued animals, helped elders, was there in time of loneliness for some people, helped community in various small ways..?
"Well, fuck all of that. If you cannot market it and slap it on TikTok/YouTube or CV? Well, it doesn't fucking matter, you're still a worthless piece of fucking shit who might as well off yourself, but also suicide is bad so please don't. You're a lazy fuck who doesn't deserve shit."
At least that's how it feels like to me. Fuck, I have it confirmed it is like that many times.
The welfare system, when looking at me without knowing me personally assumed I just did shit-all my entire life beyond what's on paper, when in reality I've been pushing myself non-fucking-stop most of my life just to not off myself and not accomplish somethings, but it doesn't matter. T_T

 

[allmyfault]

I deeply sympathize. Everyone my age is working hard on their lives, and I'm a long way behind. When I realize this, I get suicidal thoughts. By the way, are you Korean? Your nickname is in Korean.

 

[DivineSpark]

I guess, it could be worse. I have my own apartment, I have money for food, meds, hobbies and such.

 

[Spicy Tteokbokki]

I deeply sympathize. Everyone my age is working hard on their lives, and I'm a long way behind. When I realize this, I get suicidal thoughts. By the way, are you Korean? Your nickname is in Korean.

Idk wtf i am. Mom/we immigrated here to Denmark when i was a baby but I am not Danish and never will be, yet I don't belong to my own country either, so I just float in whatever the fuck I am.
Apparently I go through minority stress my psychologist told me the other day.
Might be why I felt most at home in UK/USA where there was more of a melting pot of various cultures, and the only places in my life where people thought I was native to those places, ironically.

 

[divinemistress36]

They might be successful right now but doesnt mean they always will be. Now that Im in my late 30s Im seeing friends going through divorces, loosing their jobs, getting health issues. Shit just hasnt hit the fan for some people yet is all

 

[Catchingdabus27]

Lately the comparisons have been so bad and subconscious. Its like automatically where my thoughts go. I hate it. It's like 100% making life worse yet im not even sure how to stop. Not even sure why it started.

Jus kno it makes the dislike I have for myself so much stronger.

 

[Spicy Tteokbokki]

Still feeling really shaken up but after laying in bed with my two plushies tightly hugged for an hour, the hair dryer blowing on me and really just letting all the negative thoughts go through me I managed to get over the peak of my feelings so I don't feel like self harming anymore and made myself some extremely delicious scrambled eggs as well. ;n;

I'll see if I can remember to bring this up with my psychologist.. Sigh.

 

[Kimlett]

I'm glad you're feeling better, really.

I'd like to share with you guys a video that comforts me when I compare myself with my friends and I feel worthless. I hope it's helpful.

 

[22yearsbroken]

I have this thought alot ive failed in life so many tines .. relations .. family.. love . And .....I FAILED... the biggest job and honur you could ever have ... i failed as as a father .. she doesnt know who i im i pop into to the place she works on the odd time here and there .. she has kniw idea..

 

[grapevoid]

tbh .. though it's painful and has caused you suffering.. surviving a life time of abuse and still being able to socialize at all or have the mental capacity to notice how you differ from others is quite amazing. You will always be worse or better than someone else. Comparing is a losing game. It's like your abuser saying "well, at least I didn't kill you! Could be worse!" Sounds ridiculous, doesn't it?

Side note, look at you overcoming your urge to self harm. Sounds successful to me. I hope your day gets better.

Also, I might agree, maybe pulling back and focusing on one thing at a time can help you feel more successful and reach more meaningful milestones for yourself.

 

[JamesMoonDerWater]

Comparing yourself really is the bane of us all. I too do that a lot, but once a friend said to me something that stuck forever:

"If you take all the kernels from the same cob, put them in the same pot, on the same burner, at the same temperature, they will all pop at different times."

 

[Spicy Tteokbokki]

I'm glad you're feeling better, really.

I'd like to share with you guys a video that comforts me when I compare myself with my friends and I feel worthless. I hope it's helpful.

Thank you so much.