Help I'd rather not kill myself, but is there really a way out that isn't suicide?

[advanced-ideator]

I've been severely depressed and unable to concentrate on anything for about five and a half years now. Before that I was mild to moderately depressed for my whole life I think.

I feel very little emotion, and the only time it's strong is when I'm suicidal or feeling extra alone. In addition I feel very little empathy or understanding of other people, yet I crave social connection. I feel alone no matter what I've tried. If I ever felt empathy I think it left me before kindergarden. I usually end up saying something stupid or hurtful to people anyways and that makes them not want to talk to me.

I also don't enjoy doing things by myself.

I've tried a bunch of things: group cbt for anxiety/depression, meds and meds and meds, no meds, HRT (although my levels are not perfect still), exercise, good diet, as close as i can get to a good sleep schedule (i always wake up too early and have poor quality sleep), make friends, do stuff even if i don't want to, start a hobby, and probably more.

I haven't been able to tell my psychiatrist most of this because i get too scared to the point where i forget or am mentally incapable of sharing.

I think I have some type of dissociative disorder too, because my memory is utter dogshit. I sometimes forget the beginning of a sentence by the time i'm at the end. I will repeat the same thing multiple times to somebody without realising when they haven't expressed interest in it, sometimes more than 10 times. I will forget that somebody expressed disinterest in something or that something i did made them uncomfortable. I'll forget most of their interests, i can't remember when someone does express interest in a topic. Somebody will express interest in something and I won't realise until the next day, or they'll say something and I won't understand what they meant by it until a few days later and by then it's long past.

Where the fuck do I start? I can't even play video games in my past time because i forget the whole story leading up to where I left off.

 

[gooblet]

If you don't want to tell your psychiatrist then maybe talk to a friend. I'm planning on saving up a bunch of money and starting a new life. No goodbyes, just disappearing. I want to become a completely different person. I would also recommend talking to a hotline but don't give any personal information. Even if you've had a bad experience with them, try another. There should be someone willing to help. Ill also talk to you if you want.

 

[advanced-ideator]

If you don't want to tell your psychiatrist then maybe talk to a friend. I'm planning on saving up a bunch of money and starting a new life. No goodbyes, just disappearing. I want to become a completely different person. I would also recommend talking to a hotline but don't give any personal information. Even if you've had a bad experience with them, try another. There should be someone willing to help. Ill also talk to you if you want.

i'll try

 

[thereisnoneed]

Firstly, you get my condolences, it appears depression is effecting your life too much, even in so far as important things such as focus and memorization for school or work as well as your ability to form meaningful bonds with other, i do not know how to heal you, but please tell us if there's anything we can do to ease your suffering.

 

[advanced-ideator]

Firstly, you get my condolences, it appears depression is effecting your life too much, even in so far as important things such as focus and memorization for school or work as well as your ability to form meaningful bonds with other, i do not know how to heal you, but please tell us if there's anything we can do to ease your suffering.

i'm not aware of anything you can do to help

 

[Daenerys Targaryen]

I'm so sorry, honey. Depression is a big bitch. It messed with my brain too. Hugs

 

[whywere]

1st off you are too hard on yourself, please take a step back, deep breath and just clear your mind.

When I forget, which sometimes is a lot, I will write down reminders to help me.

No one is perfect, never, and NOT EVER BEING MEAN, being mean is NEVER in my DNA, and you strive in your deepest thoughts for perfection and/or keeping up with others. I also have been there doing the exact same things. For me it always led to disappointment or wondering either what was wrong with me or frustration to the max.

You are a wonderful and very beautiful person and take HUGE credit in that. Give yourself a break and relax and tell yourself that you are a fantastic addition to others' lives and especially for folks on here.

One aspect of being older for me is the understanding that I do NOT have to keep up with anyone, that my memory and other aspects of me may need me to help myself sometimes BUT that is what is called "the human condition", NOBODY is perfect, far from it, and we ALL have strengths and weakness, BUT there in again, "the human condition" is what helps, pulls all of us together AND helps one another out.

Always remind yourself that you ARE a wonderful, beautiful and very capable soul with so much to give not only yourself BUT so many others. You might not see and/or realize it, BUT you DO matter in a HUGE way and in the long run, where it counts, you provide so much, that in the long run matters and even now.

You ARE WONDERFUL and I am so glad to be able to have you as a good friend and YES, you DO matter A LOT.

Hugs, love, caring thoughts and have an awesome upcoming weekend!

Walter

 

[Jepu12]

Hello,

I think you may be more critical of yourself than you think. First of all, you say you're unable to concentrate on anything, but you were able to create a profile on here, write this post, and even choose a funny profile picture. While that might not seem like a lot, it is something. Many people wouldn't even be able to explain their situation in writing, so you should give yourself some props for that.

When it comes to your memory problems, you should a 100% share it with your doctor (doesn't need to be your psychiatrist – she would probably refer you to a neurologist sooner or later). You say you when you talk with your psychiatrist, you get too scared to the point you forget what you want to say. Can you explain why you get scared? Would it be possible for you to share these feeling with your psychiatrist? After all, they're there to help you, so they should try making the appointments a safer space where you feel like you can share anything. For now, write everything down. Literally take this post and show it to the psychiatrist. You need to overcome your fear of sharing all this with a health care professional as soon as you can, because without help your cognitive functions might deteriorate to the point you won't be able to tell anyone. This is were you start.

Lastly, about your problem with empathy: Even though you might not feel it, you are able to recognize you sometimes say things that are "stupid or hurtful", and you seem to kind of care that you've annoyed or made people uncomfortable in the past, even if it's because it prevented you from getting something you want (human connestion). It's a good start. Empathy is not a prerequisite for human connection, and being (or seeming) understanding is something you can learn. You don't need to physically feel empathy in order to care about others, even if it feels like you're just pretending. So what? All relationships come from the ~selfish desire~ to not be alone. That's how our brains work. So fake it 'till you make it.

If you're worried about constantly making faux pas, you can just say it upfront: "Hi, just a heads up, I'm not the best at expressing my thoughts clearly, so sometimes I might say stupid things without meaning them – sorry for that, it's not personal. Also, feel free to let me know if I start repeating myself, my memory's kinda weird."

Also, you haven't mentioned trying individual therapy. I think that could be more helpful than group therapy, because it would be focused on just you, and your therapist could teach you how to function with bad memory and also how to socialize better. Maybe even delve into why you are like this, and why you don't seem to be improving despite putting a lot of work in.

Good luck!

 

[Tired_of_myself]

If you don't want to tell your psychiatrist then maybe talk to a friend. I'm planning on saving up a bunch of money and starting a new life. No goodbyes, just disappearing. I want to become a completely different person. I would also recommend talking to a hotline but don't give any personal information. Even if you've had a bad experience with them, try another. There should be someone willing to help. Ill also talk to you if you want.

This is my dream, to just disappear and start a new life.

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

This is my dream, to just disappear and start a new life.

Same. Move overseas and have no one be able to find me, and use up all my money and end things. I am no longer able to work so planning the end makes sense.

 

[HumanBBQ]

Maybe I'm too braindead right now to think of something genuinely useful to say... Just wanted to add that I'm trying to think of something like this too because I have (kind of) the opposite problem... I feel emotions so heavily that it hurts (even when it's something "good"), so I feel desperate for something to end it, but not ctb, you know? (tried, failed miserably and now I just want to rot in bed/chair)

I'd be happy to chat with you though. Maybe we can find something you can do to ease the feeling -or lack thereof- and play shit online. At least that's what it helps me the most. I usually just play videogames that don't require my brain actually remembering much, like stuff with complex storymode or something.

 

[J&L383]

If you don't want to tell your psychiatrist then maybe talk to a friend. I'm planning on saving up a bunch of money and starting a new life. No goodbyes, just disappearing. I want to become a completely different person.

Ooh, I like this. A disappearing new person. But I realize unless there is a way to get reprogrammed and get a new cognitive operating system I'm still going to be the same ol' same ol'. ECT sort of. Or, in the old days, lobotomy - scramble the brain. . But I'm not down for either of those. I don't currently believe in it but if there's a "life after death" then let it be a 2.0.

 

[bankai]

Yeah, same here. I actually don't socialize much in real life. But I'm trying to socialize here at least

 

[Rynalia]

I feel very little emotion, and the only time it's strong is when I'm suicidal or feeling extra alone. In addition I feel very little empathy or understanding of other people, yet I crave social connection. I feel alone no matter what I've tried.

I feel this, and it feels so isolating. Could be in a room with plenty of other people yet they're all on a different wavelength. Extremely dampened emotions sometimes end up being offensive to other people and then suddenly I'm a heartless bastard.

I haven't been able to tell my psychiatrist most of this because i get too scared to the point where i forget or am mentally incapable of sharing.

I'm the type that goes non-verbal (under extreme amounts of stress) right before the dissociation gets cranked to max and I'm outta there so I can kind of relate.

Best advice I can give here is to have something physical where you can have all the information at the ready, if you really want to share or convey it to a MH professional but aren't able to because body and mind not cooperating.

I think I have some type of dissociative disorder too, because my memory is utter dogshit. I sometimes forget the beginning of a sentence by the time i'm at the end. I will repeat the same thing multiple times to somebody without realising when they haven't expressed interest in it, sometimes more than 10 times. I will forget that somebody expressed disinterest in something or that something i did made them uncomfortable. I'll forget most of their interests, i can't remember when someone does express interest in a topic. Somebody will express interest in something and I won't realise until the next day, or they'll say something and I won't understand what they meant by it until a few days later and by then it's long past.

Where the fuck do I start? I can't even play video games in my past time because i forget the whole story leading up to where I left off.

Not a licensed mental health professional so can't really say whether you got something or not.

I highly recommend somehow conveying this to someone though even if it is just through writing. It's not a sustainable lifestyle at all, and quality of life will only get worse as time goes on.

Especially if you don't want to give up just yet, the important thing is to get out there and don't be afraid to shop around for help.

I think you articulated some of your major pain points pretty well, so that is what you need to lay on your MH professionals up front. If they don't fit, dip and find a new one. No point in rotting away waiting for them to catch up.

 

[m4rius]

Target the root cause. Research meds and continue trial and error. There are communities that trial nootropics and various other substances, and many have found help for their depression and anxiety where traditional meds haven't worked.

 

[whywere]

Target the root cause. Research meds and continue trial and error. There are communities that trial nootropics and various other substances, and many have found help for their depression and anxiety where traditional meds haven't worked.

You are so wonderful!

Walter

 

[leloyon]

To be honest, I'm the same way. There's just objectively no way out of the hole I'm in. I'm banking on reincarnation.