"I'd like to feel a bit better/ I'd like to recover" Support Group Megathread

[ConfusedClouds]

Self-sabotage and 'asking' for help.

I struggle with words at the best of times but even more so in not knowing what I'm actually asking for other than feeling something 'isn't right'. Which is impossible for anyone to react to without further details. But if I try taking it down to using something objective (e.g. this week not sleeping very well) then its even harder to ask about because I know I haven't been 'trying' to sleep - I could have easily turned screens off and not sat drinking. So 2 things happen, I can't ask the question as I know the/an answer and also it allows me to be annoyed/spiral at myself for just not putting my best (any) effort in. I also hate being asked what people could do to support - I have no fucking clue, if I knew what I actually needed surely I would have asked/sourced it somehow....

Urgh.Argh.

 

[Life_and_Death]

I genuinely physically bumped into him once in London. St Pancras station - the arrivals from the Eurostar open into the middle of the main station. A train must have just arrived as it was super busy and I was just head down trying to get to my (domestic) train through the Eurostar crowds and walked into someone. Looked up and he is unmistakeable. Just kept going through.
Sorry, dunno what this even adds to this conversation.

i dont know what it doenst add to the conversation. we're just sharing thoughts/experiences and so did you

Also glad that @stillunemployed was around to respond.

same, i was happy to see the type of response it was.

I glad you felt comfortable enough to vent to us

venting/talking about my problems isnt much of a problem for me. what are you gonna do? prove youre an ass i shouldnt want to be around anyway? good job XD im happy i know the truth about you

We're better off with you here, but i understand. I get a similar feeling often. But then I think about all the people who depend on me, and I can't go anywhere just yet.

im not really that depended upon.. certainly not to the extent of anyone that has more people connections than me (which would be like 3). i have a friend that also has bpd so she kind of needs me considering we both said people dont relate the same as we do. and my bf that doesnt really have anyone else, he needs me the most but i keep trying to tell him that if he tries he doesnt need me... theres my brothers but i dont talk to the youngest (he probably doesnt even know me.....i left when he was still very young.) and my other brother i cant be there for him anywhere near the amount i would like to be.. and he probably has no idea everything ive already done for him (considering i watched my mother take credit for what i did right in front of me. my jaw just dropped*)

Spoiler: *

damn druggie, you didnt teach him. you were out smoking up!!! "can you watch your brother?" "can you watch your brother?" im not sure i remember her saying any other words (slight exaggeration)

i mean....yeah im needed.....but not really. not dependent upon. i dont have specific tasks that anyone else cant do....

.•° ✿ °•. °•. ✿ .•° .•° ✿ °•.
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@stillunemployed im sorry for not responding to you btw. im just feeling drained lately.

 

[stillunemployed]

@stillunemployed im sorry for not responding to you btw. im just feeling drained lately.

dont worry about it, youre under no obligation

I suppose for BPD it's really helpful to very clear rules, though i don't know.

I'm sorry your mom took credit for your efforts. My father frequently used me a prop for his own bullshit.

 

[Life_and_Death]

dont worry about it, youre under no obligation

I suppose for BPD it's really helpful to very clear rules, though i don't know.

I'm sorry your mom took credit for your efforts. My father frequently used me a prop for his own bullshit.

thank you
i havent thought about that for bpd, it doesnt seem like a bad thing to keep in mind ive mostly just been trying to listen ot my body. try not to stress over things, mentally rest when need be

i can sympathize with the dad thing too. hed steal gravel from a dirt road for the yard "can you watch look out for cars" (should have picked up on that one but he said he has permission...then why are we on the road and need lookout?) had me help him build a weed garden. took me next door after the neighbors moved to steal the shit they left behind explicitly saying "can you do this so my finger prints arent on it" i should have put my steel toed boots on and kicked him where it hurts for all his bs

 

[Adûnâi]

I've been feeling bad again. I'm a 27 year old prisoner in the Ukraine, life is boring & pointless, will never hold a female's hand.

There is a 35 yo girl who has agreed, but is super dull, will only come over in December, and is even more clueless than I am. I can't dom her, after all, it's super boring.

What a joke. I'm not using SN just now, so this is indeed a case of moaning for attention, I have no shame.

No WW3 yet, no AGI yet. I've been trying Janitor AI, it's blown me away with how much better it has become... But still ultimately boring. And the weather has been growing hot, that's honestly the best reason for suicide, ngl (no AC).

 

[stillunemployed]

good morning

 

[stillunemployed]

I've been feeling bad again. I'm a 27 year old prisoner in the Ukraine, life is boring & pointless, will never hold a female's hand.

There is a 35 yo girl who has agreed, but is super dull, will only come over in December, and is even more clueless than I am. I can't dom her, after all, it's super boring.

What a joke. I'm not using SN just now, so this is indeed a case of moaning for attention, I have no shame.

No WW3 yet, no AGI yet. I've been trying Janitor AI, it's blown me away with how much better it has become... But still ultimately boring. And the weather has been growing hot, that's honestly the best reason for suicide, ngl (no AC).

AGI is a scam. Its a short stock scheme.

And so is WW3. Dont count on either.

 

[stillunemployed]

good morning. it's a sunday

 

[Tesha]

'Happy' Sunday to all.

So, quick update. After asking for help I've been on the NHS bed list for a couple of weeks now, getting progressively worse.. well yesterday morning a mental health act assessment team showed up at my door - an AMHP, two psychiatrists, and an ambulance plus crew.

My community team know my house is my safe space, so I was more than pissed off at this unexpected turn of events. Fortunately I've got a decent security system, so I could see and hear what was going on outside. I didn't answer the door.

About 30 minutes later the team moved away from the house and congregated around the ambulance, presumably to discuss the next course of action. They didn't need to wait long, because I took the opportunity to leave my house, jump in my car and drive off. I was kind enough to slow down as I passed the AMHP and mouth 'good morning' as I drove off. There was a gaggle of confused looks in my rear view mirror as I vanished into the distance.

I got a safe decent distance away before calling the crisis team to ask wtf was going on. After much 'quiet' shouting from my end, them realising that all they needed to do was tell me a bed was available and I would've gone in… I am now an informal patient in a mental health hospital. I'm hoping it doesn't escalate to a section, but for now I've given myself the space to try and work out exactly what I want. My kids need me to do this.

 

[HighFlight]

@Tesha, Wishing you all the best as you start your next phase. Sorry that it got off to such a crazy start. Please keep us updated on your progress as you're able.

 

[stillunemployed]

good morning

 

[Life_and_Death]

(venting)
"id prefer if youre not on that site"
you have a dating app (vs a chatting site) and when i mentioned you getting rid of it it was "when you run out of space" meanwhile i deleted my account (something ive never clicked)
why am i listening to you, and why did that response seem appropriate to you?

 

[stillunemployed]

'Happy' Sunday to all.

So, quick update. After asking for help I've been on the NHS bed list for a couple of weeks now, getting progressively worse.. well yesterday morning a mental health act assessment team showed up at my door - an AMHP, two psychiatrists, and an ambulance plus crew.

My community team know my house is my safe space, so I was more than pissed off at this unexpected turn of events. Fortunately I've got a decent security system, so I could see and hear what was going on outside. I didn't answer the door.

About 30 minutes later the team moved away from the house and congregated around the ambulance, presumably to discuss the next course of action. They didn't need to wait long, because I took the opportunity to leave my house, jump in my car and drive off. I was kind enough to slow down as I passed the AMHP and mouth 'good morning' as I drove off. There was a gaggle of confused looks in my rear view mirror as I vanished into the distance.

I got a safe decent distance away before calling the crisis team to ask wtf was going on. After much 'quiet' shouting from my end, them realising that all they needed to do was tell me a bed was available and I would've gone in… I am now an informal patient in a mental health hospital. I'm hoping it doesn't escalate to a section, but for now I've given myself the space to try and work out exactly what I want. My kids need me to do this.

thank you for using my trademarked catchphrase. I get royalties. dont worry

(venting)
"id prefer if youre not on that site"
you have a dating app (vs a chatting site) and when i mentioned you getting rid of it it was "when you run out of space" meanwhile i deleted my account (something ive never clicked)
why am i listening to you, and why did that response seem appropriate to you?

tell them i said "Good Morning"

 

[Life_and_Death]

tell them i said "Good Morning"

??

 

[Adûnâi]

AGI is a scam. Its a short stock scheme.

AI is a real thing, I have been using it, and it's only been getting better and cheaper. But then again, I will be the first to admit (and go^^) if AGI doesn't materialise in the next 1-3 years.

After asking for help I've been on the NHS bed list for a couple of weeks now, getting progressively worse.. well yesterday morning a mental health act assessment team showed up at my door - an AMHP, two psychiatrists, and an ambulance plus crew.

I could never understand the wellness checks in the West. Don't people in the West have a gun? And in my case, what if I haven't been shaving for months? How can such intrusions of privacy ever be tolerated?

(In Japan, old people's deaths are indicated by smell, so that's the other side of the coin, to be fair.)

As to my case - I've gotten somewhat better, got a few mildly curious letters on Slowly.

 

[lita-lassi]

from experience with multiple asshole narcissistic liars, theyre going to keep lying about why they have a dating app. knowing youre uncomfortable with it, theres no excuse. its just lies.

AGI is a scam. Its a short stock scheme.

And so is WW3. Dont count on either.

hell yeah thank you for being sensible

im avoiding my primary bed at my brothers to stay with my dad or boyfriend for a while. brother and sister in law are mad at me due to extremely ridiculous circumstances, in my view at least. im sure theyre justified to them, but they wont communicate (story of my whole fucking familys modus operandi) and all i feel is like an unwanted burden by everyone and everything

separate problem, i had 3 extremely trauma-triggering issues come up within minutes of each other and i got yelled at for having emotions about it. i didnt scream or yell or make baseless accusations or even freak out. i asked reasonable questions and cried from feeling overwhelmed and had awful accusations hurled at me. no wonder all i want to do is shut down and watch bullshit on youtube or tv

hope everyone had a much better weekend than i did

 

[stillunemployed]

good morning

AI is a real thing, I have been using it, and it's only been getting better and cheaper. But then again, I will be the first to admit (and go^^) if AGI doesn't materialise in the next 1-3 years.

What you and me and everyone else has been using are statistical models, machine learning, which take information gathered from large databases and previous inputs to form a response. These things are made very cheaply, because there is no point of profit into making the good or useful. People will use them regardless.

That's why they're absolutely amazing at gathering data about their users. And that data is sold to the highest bidder.
Companies like OpenAI are overvalued and could trigger a crash in the near future, and some are already counting on it.

Honestly, Adunai, and I am NOT making fun of you,

but if you are so worried about the SBU knowing about you and your beliefs and habits, they probably already know, and they get mountains of data from whichever AI site you're using.

 

[HighFlight]

@stillunemployed, Good Morning!

The joy is you and @Adûnâi are both correct, as far as you each go.... AI is a very overused and all encompassing phrase these days, and really means simply providing systems with the ability to make decisions for humans. This could be a very simple yes/no decision, or a complex how to respond in this given conversation.

It's definitely not a scam (although scammers are using it), but it's a long way from Artificial General Intelligence (AGI), which would effectively give the system a conscience. The current chat bots use large language models (LLMs) to determine how to respond to certain questions. These are trained on billions of pieces of information. But as stillunemplyeed said, this is all done through advanced mathematics and statistics on steroids.

And the general warning about sites collecting information is very accurate. Almost every site collects some level of user data, and most are willing to share for a fee. Between that and advertising (also put together withbyour data), this is how much of the internet in the US is funded.

I've got to meet with a UK firm later this month about using LLMs and other types of AI to provide realist video simulations. That should be interesting...

On a more personal note, yesterday was a terrible day. My son had a panic attack on his first day of work and wasn't able to leave the house. Early 20s, and can't start a job. He's been offered several, but the day of the first shift, he collapses into an anxiety ball and we can't get him to do anything. I have clearly failed in preparing him for today's workplace. But I will keep trying until my last breath.

@lita-lassi, I'm sorry to hear you had a tough weekend and hope that this week will be better.

@UsagiDrop, I wish you all the best and hope you are surviving.

And I wish you all the same. May you find some peace and maybe even some happiness in this world.

 

[arnxxx]

Good Morning everyone.
I feel bad like every morning now for almost a year. Started reading the fourth self help book in the hopes it contains something that will help with my depression. Mom gets those books from the library and it gives me something to do in the train to my rTMS sessions that don't work so far. Every day is a struggle.
Suicidal thoughts cloud my mind. I don't want to die. I want to live without pain.

 

[stillunemployed]

Good morning

 

[HighFlight]

Good Morning, @stillunemployed.

 

[stillunemployed]

I went to my therapist today.
It was okay, but it's a shit rainy day today.

Had to take a bus and public transport is chaos by default, so that did not improve my mood.

 

[stillunemployed]

good morning

 

[HighFlight]

good morning

You do realize that every time you say good morning, I'm climbing into bed to go to sleep. But that's OK....

Good Morning to you!!

 

[soulkitty]

Is it okay if I join this thread? I've just been really trying to recover but having a very hard time, so I thought maybe joining here could help

 

[stillunemployed]

You do realize that every time you say good morning, I'm climbing into bed to go to sleep. But that's OK....

Good Morning to you!!

good night then, sleep well

 

[HighFlight]

Welcome @soulkitty! You are more than welcome to join us. This thread is open to all. Please feel free to jump into the conversation whenever you feel comfortable.

 

[soulkitty]

Thank you so much!! I've had a very hard day today and feeling hopeless but I'm going to try to clean and decorate a bit because that usually helps a little. Trying to keep in mind people who have been nice to me on here & recovery discord because it really helps me get through the day, and surviving each day is the most I can hope for right now

Goodnight & good morning @HighFlight and @stillunemployed I hope you guys have a very good day/night

 

[arnxxx]

Welcome @soulkitty please feel welcomed

I need to rant.

Since tapering down lorazepam stuff have gotten worse. I can't do my work properly when feeling like this. I just want to cry.

Mom will be here any minute for bicycle ride but I just can't... Feel anywhere near normal. Maybe a mental hospital (or whatever its called in English) will be better. Psychiatist said maybe a rehab clinic is needed.

Still feel like being punished for some reason. Why do I deserve to feel like this. I just want to cease to exist rather than living like this longer. But I don't want to ctb. I want to feel better goddamnit. Why does it have to be this way??

 

[ConfusedClouds]

Not sure how this will come across. Possibly a bit entitled/arrogant, but I guess worst case it can be ignored.

Reached that time of year/tourist/summer season where I have gone into a semi-panic autopilot and ended up getting myself now 2 (part time/fixed term) jobs within a week. For me this is a good thing as will give me purpose and keep me occupied from thinking and or harm. Both are on-feet active/'doing' minimum wage/zero responsibility jobs that I can totally autopilot my way through.

I enjoy filling my diary tetris-style with stuff like this. Even if most folk say its ridiculous and not sustainable and why would I even do this, especially with 'shit' bottom level type jobs. (When I have a degree and tons of experience in all sorts of jobs). But it keeps me busy. And is fixed term, so burn myself out until the autumn. Nothing better to do, and in fact makes me actually able to see more than a day or 2 in advance.

But its also semi unnerving/disconcerting. I know I'll smash it out and keep busy and 'enjoy' the purpose and busy-ness like I have done in so many 'seasons' before but also conscious that I really really don't wanna crash - really wouldn't cope if it happens this season. Realistically it has only actually happened from permanent type jobs/scenarios where I guess there was no ending I could see. Hopefully I won't as its only for a few months/light at end of the tunnel - keep going until then. But then I get confused with emotions/thoughts being so over the place recently (but my brain wipes itself so I don't remember what/why/how) and know zoning it all out with work and being busy is probably not great. But surely its better 'self-medication' than alcohol or diet or exercise or impulsive escapes or sh etc etc that I constantly bounce between.....

I guess what I'm thinking/saying is yay this is suddenly all positive, but watch this space - potential very dramatic implosion possible.