Sakura.
NienawidzÄ™ siebie.
- May 1, 2024
- 253
These are my last hours in the big city. In the past, I thought I'd want to make the most of them, but for the reasons I've often cited, I can't even go out into the streets of my city. I'm completely alone in my room, unable to do anything like play a game, watch a movie, or read a book because of my mental state. The only thing, really the only thing I can do, is write thread after thread on the forum.
These are my last hours. Even though I'm currently off stimulants like coffee, I still can't fall asleep. But at some point, I will. I'll wake up on my last morning in this city. It will be quite hectic. I'll have very little time to take care of all the moving-out arrangements, but I'll have to make it. Before 12 noon, I'll leave my student residence for the last time, leaving it forever after four years. Then I will take a bus, a train, a bus again, and around 3 p.m. I will arrive at my small home village, cut off from the world, where I will spend the rest of my life forever.
These are my last hours living in a big city. I'll no longer have to watch that, for some reason, shopping malls, cafes, and other cool places employ only the most beautiful girls, the go-getters, the confident ones, and definitely not autistic. That, for some reason, an autistic, repulsive-looking guy won't be hired there—or anywhere else, because every time I tried to find a job during my vacation, no one would hire me, and all I could do was go to the truly worst workplace in the entire country, one that preys on people like me and completely exploits them.
I'll no longer have to watch that, for some reason, these cool places like cafes also employ the most beautiful girls and other cool people. That there's no room for someone like me there. That I can't "live for myself," "live independently of others," and just go to a cafe alone as this ugly autistic guy and buy myself a coffee, because that's not the point at all. That all those cool places, all those cool things you can buy, are also inaccessible to me. Because when you live such a terrible life, there's nothing you can even buy or be happy about. For example, all these wonderful people put so much thought into what clothes they buy and how great they look in them. I've been trying to change my perception of myself over the past few years, and I've improved in that regard, too, but it didn't matter, because no matter what I bought or wore, I would still look awful, and I would still be that autistic person.
I won't have to look at all those modern schools anymore. I won't have to look at others attending the best, most modern schools possible, offering them endless opportunities, while I went to the worst possible school in a place cut off from the world, where opportunities were nonexistent. Not to mention the fact that I couldn't take advantage of them anyway, because I would still be that retarded, ugly autistic kid.
I won't have to look at all those happy students for whom studying and living in the big city is an incredible adventure, where they meet so many wonderful people and where they can take advantage of all the incredible opportunities the city offers. For me, it's the complete opposite.
I won't have to look at all those beautiful, wonderful people on the streets or in other public places, adored by everyone, whom everyone wants to be friends with and spend time with, while I'm the complete opposite. I won't have to watch all those people living life to the fullest, having fun, participating in various activities, dressing up in evening clothes on Friday and Saturday evenings and going to the market to have fun with their friends, when I'm the complete opposite. I won't be able to watch all those groups of friends anymore, when for almost 25 years of my life I haven't had a single friend. I won't even be able to watch people texting each other on instant messenger, when for 25 years of my life I've never even received a single message from anyone in real life (and it's almost the same with people online). I won't be able to watch people smoking anymore, when in my social situation I couldn't even begin to smoke.
Tomorrow it will all be over.
My life, all my theoretical possibilities, will end. And there will be nothing left.
These are my last hours. Even though I'm currently off stimulants like coffee, I still can't fall asleep. But at some point, I will. I'll wake up on my last morning in this city. It will be quite hectic. I'll have very little time to take care of all the moving-out arrangements, but I'll have to make it. Before 12 noon, I'll leave my student residence for the last time, leaving it forever after four years. Then I will take a bus, a train, a bus again, and around 3 p.m. I will arrive at my small home village, cut off from the world, where I will spend the rest of my life forever.
These are my last hours living in a big city. I'll no longer have to watch that, for some reason, shopping malls, cafes, and other cool places employ only the most beautiful girls, the go-getters, the confident ones, and definitely not autistic. That, for some reason, an autistic, repulsive-looking guy won't be hired there—or anywhere else, because every time I tried to find a job during my vacation, no one would hire me, and all I could do was go to the truly worst workplace in the entire country, one that preys on people like me and completely exploits them.
I'll no longer have to watch that, for some reason, these cool places like cafes also employ the most beautiful girls and other cool people. That there's no room for someone like me there. That I can't "live for myself," "live independently of others," and just go to a cafe alone as this ugly autistic guy and buy myself a coffee, because that's not the point at all. That all those cool places, all those cool things you can buy, are also inaccessible to me. Because when you live such a terrible life, there's nothing you can even buy or be happy about. For example, all these wonderful people put so much thought into what clothes they buy and how great they look in them. I've been trying to change my perception of myself over the past few years, and I've improved in that regard, too, but it didn't matter, because no matter what I bought or wore, I would still look awful, and I would still be that autistic person.
I won't have to look at all those modern schools anymore. I won't have to look at others attending the best, most modern schools possible, offering them endless opportunities, while I went to the worst possible school in a place cut off from the world, where opportunities were nonexistent. Not to mention the fact that I couldn't take advantage of them anyway, because I would still be that retarded, ugly autistic kid.
I won't have to look at all those happy students for whom studying and living in the big city is an incredible adventure, where they meet so many wonderful people and where they can take advantage of all the incredible opportunities the city offers. For me, it's the complete opposite.
I won't have to look at all those beautiful, wonderful people on the streets or in other public places, adored by everyone, whom everyone wants to be friends with and spend time with, while I'm the complete opposite. I won't have to watch all those people living life to the fullest, having fun, participating in various activities, dressing up in evening clothes on Friday and Saturday evenings and going to the market to have fun with their friends, when I'm the complete opposite. I won't be able to watch all those groups of friends anymore, when for almost 25 years of my life I haven't had a single friend. I won't even be able to watch people texting each other on instant messenger, when for 25 years of my life I've never even received a single message from anyone in real life (and it's almost the same with people online). I won't be able to watch people smoking anymore, when in my social situation I couldn't even begin to smoke.
Tomorrow it will all be over.
My life, all my theoretical possibilities, will end. And there will be nothing left.
