Venting i wish she knew how much she meant to me

[zhaim]

i've suffered from porn addiction for pretty much as long as i can remember. but after recently losing the person who meant the whole world to me because of it, i've quit porn and masturbation altogether. I'm only about a week or two into it, so I haven't made that much progress, but recently I found that I hadn't really had the urge to masturbate or even look at porn. I think about her and think about how disgusted she would be with me. and i think "what's even the point. it won't help me, so i shouldn't do it." even though it's only been a short amount of time, I'm still a little bit proud of how far I've come, since I used to be completely unable to stop my urges. But I've currently got a lot of work on my plate, and while doing some of it earlier, I felt a lot of stress and the urges to start masturbating began flooding my mind. I even looked up some porn and was on the verge of starting a goon session to ease my mind, but while going through my computer and messages, I found a picture of me and her together and the for the most part, the urge went away. I guess I wouldn't say I relapsed (?), but I was pretty damn close. I just miss her so much, and I wish she knew that I'm truly to trying to change. But I understand that in order to grow I can't do it just for her to see me grow and that I've gotta let go. I feel so much shame and guilt that I didn't change while I was with her or even before that, but all I can do now is work on myself and get rid of the disgusting, porn-addiction ingrained into my brain. Even though I have to accept that I'll never be a part of her life again, I'll continue being grateful that she was ever a part of mine.

 

[timf]

There are many different types of self-stimulation, most of which can become addictive. One of the elements of 12 step programs is a group to which one can feel accountable. If she is interested, you might let her know your milestones like 1 month clean, six months clean, etc. You may not regain a relationship, but you might gain a friend you could offer encouragement.

 

[zhaim]

There are many different types of self-stimulation, most of which can become addictive. One of the elements of 12 step programs is a group to which one can feel accountable. If she is interested, you might let her know your milestones like 1 month clean, six months clean, etc. You may not regain a relationship, but you might gain a friend you could offer encouragement.

Thank you for the advice. Although, I kinda forgot to mention that she told me to never contact her again after our last conversation, and I need to respect that.
I do have a friend who has given me some advice and has been helping me with it, though, and I'd be welcome to meet any other people who are going through something similar and trying to grow.