I've had suicidal thoughts feelings and intent on and off since high school. I'm 24 now and I mean, for a minute things were great, after I finally escaped my mother and moved to a better city. I was excited to finally be free from that stuff and have the opportunity to chase my ambitious goals and dreams. Half selfish for mild fame and friends and maybe inspiring others/making people laugh or learn— maybe do things to help other communities. I thought about someday— if I could, maybe going back to college for a psych degree, wanted to maybe discover some stuff about specific neurological development and causes, maybe write a book— run some experiments, have my contributions mentioned in a book somewhere if I'm lucky.
But I think I'm too messed up to function to do anything, any of that at all. I used to have a "I'll always get back up, even if all the odds are stacked against me" attitude, but I've been learning more and more it's just not realistic. I can hardly work a bare minimum job where I basically sit around each day— I tried to quit last week but my manager offered to just put me on 1 day for each payroll and I said "okay." I haven't been able to bathe or eat— all that.
Years ago I tried to come to terms with the fact that I Am Too Unwell to function in this world. I didn't want to die, but I felt it would be easier for everyone else and most of all myself, though I ended up (in retrospect knowing what I do now) splitting off because I couldn't handle it. Now I'm back here again, even worse than I was then— even after moving away from an abusive parent and toxic ex, I still can't function. In fact— I function even worse.
So I just don't want to keep fighting this. I'm tired of everyone telling me it gets better— how??? It "got better" for me, and I got worse anyways. I was given more safety and free time and safe peers— and I still can't do the things I always dreamed of. Therapy does nothing, I doubt meds will change the way I think.
But I am afraid of death. That's what always kept me from ctb. I'd gone out to jump in front of traffic when I was about 14, but an ex friends parent found me before I did. I think I'm a bit less afraid now than I was most my life— awhile back I had some sort of strange psychotic episode where I felt like I was being told by an entity (I am not religious and never have been) that there could be an afterlife that is waiting for me. It felt nice but I definitely felt crazy.
Now I just wish I could be given more comfort in what might or might not be in death. Sometimes the idea of "nothing" scares the hell out of me— sometimes it sounds peaceful. The idea of an afterlife sounds nice.
Having "so much potential" allegedly feels so exhausting, especially when you kind of feel like you really… don't.
You grow up with neglectful and abusive parents a little too hard and then one day you realize that— since they didn't raise you to function even as a small kid, you definitely can't function as an adult.
I don't want to keep living if I can't accomplish what I always dreamed of, and I don't think I will. I just wish I wasn't so scared of death. I like to imagine the daydreaming/fantasies in my head will hold me when I die. That sounds wonderful. Being in real life makes me feel pathetic and helpless— dreaming of worlds that aren't this one is really tender, I did it ever since I can remember.
And is it cruel to say at this point in time I'm not really worried about how I'll leave my partner and friends? It will hurt them but I know most of them will be okay, and eventually heal.
This also feels complicated because I recently got diagnosed and learned that I'm a system due to my childhood neglect and abuse. I think most my parts are comfortable with ctb, but at least a part or two is deeply afraid of dying/leaving behind grief. But it's still the same regardless— as a single person or a system: conflicting thoughts and feelings.
I learned that term tonight (as of writing this) too, and it's kind of nice… "Catching the bus". It's calming to think of it as catching the bus somewhere nicer.
But I think I'm too messed up to function to do anything, any of that at all. I used to have a "I'll always get back up, even if all the odds are stacked against me" attitude, but I've been learning more and more it's just not realistic. I can hardly work a bare minimum job where I basically sit around each day— I tried to quit last week but my manager offered to just put me on 1 day for each payroll and I said "okay." I haven't been able to bathe or eat— all that.
Years ago I tried to come to terms with the fact that I Am Too Unwell to function in this world. I didn't want to die, but I felt it would be easier for everyone else and most of all myself, though I ended up (in retrospect knowing what I do now) splitting off because I couldn't handle it. Now I'm back here again, even worse than I was then— even after moving away from an abusive parent and toxic ex, I still can't function. In fact— I function even worse.
So I just don't want to keep fighting this. I'm tired of everyone telling me it gets better— how??? It "got better" for me, and I got worse anyways. I was given more safety and free time and safe peers— and I still can't do the things I always dreamed of. Therapy does nothing, I doubt meds will change the way I think.
But I am afraid of death. That's what always kept me from ctb. I'd gone out to jump in front of traffic when I was about 14, but an ex friends parent found me before I did. I think I'm a bit less afraid now than I was most my life— awhile back I had some sort of strange psychotic episode where I felt like I was being told by an entity (I am not religious and never have been) that there could be an afterlife that is waiting for me. It felt nice but I definitely felt crazy.
Now I just wish I could be given more comfort in what might or might not be in death. Sometimes the idea of "nothing" scares the hell out of me— sometimes it sounds peaceful. The idea of an afterlife sounds nice.
Having "so much potential" allegedly feels so exhausting, especially when you kind of feel like you really… don't.
You grow up with neglectful and abusive parents a little too hard and then one day you realize that— since they didn't raise you to function even as a small kid, you definitely can't function as an adult.
I don't want to keep living if I can't accomplish what I always dreamed of, and I don't think I will. I just wish I wasn't so scared of death. I like to imagine the daydreaming/fantasies in my head will hold me when I die. That sounds wonderful. Being in real life makes me feel pathetic and helpless— dreaming of worlds that aren't this one is really tender, I did it ever since I can remember.
And is it cruel to say at this point in time I'm not really worried about how I'll leave my partner and friends? It will hurt them but I know most of them will be okay, and eventually heal.
This also feels complicated because I recently got diagnosed and learned that I'm a system due to my childhood neglect and abuse. I think most my parts are comfortable with ctb, but at least a part or two is deeply afraid of dying/leaving behind grief. But it's still the same regardless— as a single person or a system: conflicting thoughts and feelings.
I learned that term tonight (as of writing this) too, and it's kind of nice… "Catching the bus". It's calming to think of it as catching the bus somewhere nicer.
