I wish I could want to live

[dlmjade]

I struggle with the thought of suicide daily. My mom and my sister did it. I have BPD and SO much truama. I fee llike all I have done my entire life is chase having a safe home where I am loved. I can never seem to find that though and I am tired. I feel like I am broken, toxic, stupid, and bad. I don't want to be this way and I want to want to live. I know needing and wanting love from others is out of my control and I should love myself but I don't, I hate me. I feel alone and clinging to a reason to stay

 

[LoveYoux]

Prying question but are you on any medications? Psychotropic I mean x

 

[dlmjade]

No, I got off of Pristiq last month because it made me feel way more depressed after I took it.

 

[LoveYoux]

We're talking in two threads that's a pain but, anyway, yes anti-depressants can in some cases increase the sensations of depression and suicidal thoughts before beginning to counteract them, it does also have an effect on the body, you're halfway to a Dr though I'm sure you're more than aware of all this.
Stick with it, recovery is a slow slow process, give yourself time and give the medicine a chance, it's a slow process. And if you can, give yourself a break

 

[dlmjade]

Oh yes, I know, I stuck witht hat medicine for months but it only got worse so now I am off of it. I had my worth in my school (4.0 GPA in my masters program). but now thats iver and im not on meds so thats what a lot of this about. I had planned to replace those things with exercise, hydration, guided meditations, and workbooks for ptsd and bpd