I wish I could be fully contempt with death

[bl33ding_heart]

I'm not 100% ok with dying. Because somewhere within my heart I feel like there is a small possibility that I could harness my bpd and learn to live with it. But that doesn't erase my chronic suicide ideation. Living with this condition, and living as an outcasted person in society is both very painful and exhausting. I'm very tired, and seriously don't have the will to keep going. But it's difficult finding the willpower to fully let go. My bpd will make me cling on to many things, like people or specific things like music/pieces of fiction I really like. And the hope for a better life is one of those things I suppose. A trait all of us borderlines simultaneously have is desperately clinging on to something or someone with all of our will until we physically can't anymore. It's as if we are vampires searching for hearts to drain all of the blood from. Until there is none left, and we desperately seek out a new heart. For such a torturous and hopeless disorder, giving up is so unnecessarily difficult. I really wish I could just lose all hope already. I wish I had someone to tell me that this mental demon known as bpd will always haunt me no matter what.

 

[Aknu132]

I'm not 100% ok with dying. Because somewhere within my heart I feel like there is a small possibility that I could harness my bpd and learn to live with it. But that doesn't erase my chronic suicide ideation. Living with this condition, and living as an outcasted person in society is both very painful and exhausting. I'm very tired, and seriously don't have the will to keep going. But it's difficult finding the willpower to fully let go. My bpd will make me cling on to many things, like people or specific things like music/pieces of fiction I really like. And the hope for a better life is one of those things I suppose. A trait all of us borderlines simultaneously have is desperately clinging on to something or someone with all of our will until we physically can't anymore. It's as if we are vampires searching for hearts to drain all of the blood from. Until there is none left, and we desperately seek out a new heart. For such a torturous and hopeless disorder, giving up is so unnecessarily difficult. I really wish I could just lose all hope already. I wish I had someone to tell me that this mental demon known as bpd will always haunt me no matter what.

I'm so sorry for your condition. Hope you find peace