Arvinneedstodie
Existing is not living
- Sep 17, 2018
- 203
Another year and I'm still here...
I lay in bed all day yesterday, but then I spontaneously decided to get up and go to time square and see if I can get a glimpse of the NYE ball drop. I wanted to punish myself and face up to my loneliness and agoraphobia, to be amongst the crowd and to remind myself why I shouldn't have stayed. I got no where near time square where I got stuck in a huge crowd of party goers screaming and cars honking. Everything felt so surreal, like how different our individual experiences and realities in life can be. Smiles, friends, lovers, families, parties, and UberBlack SUVs full of beautiful people. My god what are those things? There I was all alone trying so hard to keep it all together, trying so hard to be the good little lonely ghost that I am, but I just couldn't help it. I felt like I was the only one there who's clothes did not fit him, who's breath is always short and labored, who's muscle is always tensed, who's repulsed by his own reflections, and who's fking mind would not stop arguing with himself. I am so uncomfortable under my own skin. As I kept moving forward, the cops kept looking at me suspiciously, the only eyes that ever noticed me. I couldn't hide from their eyes, I was too obvious, I did not belong there.
I guess I got exactly what I was looking for.
Happy 2022 to anyone who reads this, I am thankful for you guys and SS.
I lay in bed all day yesterday, but then I spontaneously decided to get up and go to time square and see if I can get a glimpse of the NYE ball drop. I wanted to punish myself and face up to my loneliness and agoraphobia, to be amongst the crowd and to remind myself why I shouldn't have stayed. I got no where near time square where I got stuck in a huge crowd of party goers screaming and cars honking. Everything felt so surreal, like how different our individual experiences and realities in life can be. Smiles, friends, lovers, families, parties, and UberBlack SUVs full of beautiful people. My god what are those things? There I was all alone trying so hard to keep it all together, trying so hard to be the good little lonely ghost that I am, but I just couldn't help it. I felt like I was the only one there who's clothes did not fit him, who's breath is always short and labored, who's muscle is always tensed, who's repulsed by his own reflections, and who's fking mind would not stop arguing with himself. I am so uncomfortable under my own skin. As I kept moving forward, the cops kept looking at me suspiciously, the only eyes that ever noticed me. I couldn't hide from their eyes, I was too obvious, I did not belong there.
I guess I got exactly what I was looking for.
Happy 2022 to anyone who reads this, I am thankful for you guys and SS.
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