I was supposed to be dead today

[doesntmatter_94]

I had everything planned. It took me a month to finalize things, clean and pack, write the letters. I got my SN and booked a hotel room. Everything was ready. I was ready.

I got to the hotel, took a shower, sat on my bed. Didn't feel anything. I wasn't scared or sad, or excited. There was nothing. I have BPD and I have been feeling empty for quite some time. At 6pm I drank SN, I didn't hesitate at all. I read on this forum how people sometimes wait for hours, trying to make up their minds. I didn't feel that at all, which was surprising. I guess I was really ready to do it. My heart started to beat fast right away and had a small headache, but it wasn't uncomfortable or anything like that. The taste wasn't bad either. After 10 mins or so my vision got a bit blurry. I thought, it's finally happening. I've been waiting for it for so long. BUT THEN, I realized that, when I walked to the room, I locked the door from the inside and was like, oh shit, they won't be able to come in in the morning. I got out of bed and unlocked the door. BIG mistake. The moment I did that I collapsed. I heard someone walking through the corridor so I panicked that they heard me. I thought, fuck, I can't afford a trip to the ER. I either need to be dead or abort the mission. Unfortunately, I chose the second option as I was scared that someone would shop up at my door any minute. I chugged a bunch of water and threw everything up.

Obviously, no one came to my room and I am still alive. It's really disappointing, but at the same time, now I know better and I know what to expect. It's not as scary as I thought it would be. Next time I'll succeed.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand why you would be disappointed, but of course no matter what the option to ctb is always there. I wish you the best, I hope you find peace when the time is right for you to leave.

 

[Elri]

How could you get to get the water but not just go back to your room?

 

[doesntmatter_94]

How could you get to get the water but not just go back to your room?

I had a water bottle within my reach. It's not like I had to go somewhere to buy it or go to a different room.

 

[just_wanna_die]

The door being locked from the inside doesn't matter. The manager and/or maids would be able to get in when they come along the following morning to see why you haven't checked out of the room yet.

 

[doesntmatter_94]

The door being locked from the inside doesn't matter. The manager and/or maids would be able to get in when they come along the following morning to see why you haven't checked out of the room yet.

Yes, of course I know that now. But when you're in the moment, you don't think rationally.

 

[just_wanna_die]

Yes, of course I know that now. But when you're in the moment, you don't think rationally.

I know, but if there is a next time for you, that is one thing you don't need to think or worry about.

 

[soundsinteresting]

Sending love.

 

[liberty_222]

I had everything planned. It took me a month to finalize things, clean and pack, write the letters. I got my SN and booked a hotel room. Everything was ready. I was ready.

I got to the hotel, took a shower, sat on my bed. Didn't feel anything. I wasn't scared or sad, or excited. There was nothing. I have BPD and I have been feeling empty for quite some time. At 6pm I drank SN, I didn't hesitate at all. I read on this forum how people sometimes wait for hours, trying to make up their minds. I didn't feel that at all, which was surprising. I guess I was really ready to do it. My heart started to beat fast right away and had a small headache, but it wasn't uncomfortable or anything like that. The taste wasn't bad either. After 10 mins or so my vision got a bit blurry. I thought, it's finally happening. I've been waiting for it for so long. BUT THEN, I realized that, when I walked to the room, I locked the door from the inside and was like, oh shit, they won't be able to come in in the morning. I got out of bed and unlocked the door. BIG mistake. The moment I did that I collapsed. I heard someone walking through the corridor so I panicked that they heard me. I thought, fuck, I can't afford a trip to the ER. I either need to be dead or abort the mission. Unfortunately, I chose the second option as I was scared that someone would shop up at my door any minute. I chugged a bunch of water and threw everything up.

Obviously, no one came to my room and I am still alive. It's really disappointing, but at the same time, now I know better and I know what to expect. It's not as scary as I thought it would be. Next time I'll succeed.

Oh man i have BPD too. I'm sorry for what you're going through.

 

[Death is beautiful]

Oh man i have BPD too. I'm sorry for what you're going through.

hello, did your sn come?

 

[blueclover_.]

Death is understandably the biggest fear to a mammal's brain. A lot of people would've done the same in that situation. Don't worry, take your time and see how it goes. You have a right to exit at the time of your own choosing. It's your body, your choice. I hope you find peace whether by recovery or death.

 

[liberty_222]

hello, did your sn come?

It did. Just around half an hour ago. But no, i don't think i will be updating on this forum when I ctb. I talked to someone who convinced me otherwise.

 

[needed_]

It did. Just around half an hour ago. But no, i don't think i will be updating on this forum when I ctb. I talked to someone who convinced me otherwise.

yes that's entirely up to you, no pressure <3